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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Seeing it Gods Way

I made a post titled feeling like peter and this title explains why. Peter reacted when Jesus told him about the crucifixion. His immediate response was Lord may it never be!!!! Jesus rebuked him and uttered the *get thee behind me satan* words to peter. In putting the crux of my fear issues on here and trying to just lay it all out the glaring point that struck me was i was loking at death from a human point of view, and a very flawed one at that. Pain is truly not a big deal to God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in the fact that they accept it and take it on full throttle. They have experienced the absolute worst pain imaginable and remain 100% God.

Death happens. it can happen a wide variety of ways and no amount of denial,mental gymnastics,or any thing else can change it. God is always there, no matter how absent he may seem. Our feelings do not control or determine His location. God is always present regardless of what our feelings may be doing. I dont know why my dad got skin cancer, why it affected him for several years requiring him to lose a lung as well as other surgeries. I dont know why it looked like he would be cancer-free and then a few months before that was supposed to happen more cancer was discovered that soon would kill him at age 30. I dont know any answers to those questions but i do know God has the answers, He may never choose to reveal them and there may not be a direct causeand effect answer involved. The little kid in me kept a fear inside of death as a means to deal with it. Maybe by fearing it would serve as a way to keep it away to make a deal with it i fear you you leave me alone. i know how totally ridiculous this sounds but im talking nonrational here.

God is good God is love. Even with all the bad that happens due to the fall. Jesus took it all upon Himself and showed how real and genuine His love is by dying for us all to save us from our iwn sin and our rejection of God. My holdinmg on to my own feelings about death and pain have been like a barrier to God giving me the direction and empowerment that can only come from Him. I think my holding on to the fear has been a way to just try and keep life floating and moving along with no bumps. The fear is all pervasive and stays always active yet is very difficult to pin down.it is like I use it as way to hide from or avoid making myself vulnerable from giving myself to action where risk is involved. i can say im in the n/a category of alot of things because i have this fear and we all know anyone who has this fear is not able to raally take on things that require certain responsibilities

I dont know. I know i want to stand front and center and say yes and love and obey Jesus and let let the Holy Spirit lead. I also know that part of me which resists or wants my own way is still seeking some way to sabotage me. As larry from last exit to oblivion said its a constant tug of war sometimes God wins other times self wins. God wants us more and more to move in the direction of Him winning. Moses tried to duck what God called him to do saying he was unworthy,unable and other excuses. I need to give my excuses to Him, he knows them all completely, and seek to act by letting Him take me where my comfort zones are gone and where trusting Him is my only lifeline. The ultimate fear is that God isnt who He claims He is or that He isnt really there. I have seen and experiences too much of His character at work in life and peoples lives including my own to acept either of there options. I want to turn amd accept His call and do it with Him leading me accoeding to His timetable. God personally involved in my life caring about me loving me wanting me to be with Him and be used by Him why is that such tough stuff to realize and *get* at my deepest core??? I have alot of understanding as to just why that is but alot of questioins and puzzlements stil as well. Help me to begin more and more seeking to walk with You in the way You seek. help me to love and let You teach me and direct me to love. Thank You for the blogosphere and for many people who are on the journey to love You more as well. Help me to go to You step by step a lil more everyday. Blend my head knowledge with my heart love language so i can completely follow You!!!


At 4:51 PM, Blogger Larry said...

All I can say is "Keep going. You're making great time."

The walk may seem backward and forward and sideways, but perfectly linear paths exist only in textbooks and dreams. Real-world Christianity is holding God's hand while accepting being lost.

It's more encouraging than it sounds. We're all lost but don't think so. Step one in learning to live with Jesus is finding out just how lost we are. It's hard because it's a surprise to us. It's no surprise to God. So, hold onto him amid the waves and wind.

At 7:14 PM, Blogger Shelly said...

Thanks for your this post...it resonated A LOT with me....blessings to you

At 12:30 AM, Blogger Shaz said...

This is so real for me today.
God Bless You , I really needed to be uplifted today and The lords words and your interprations are enough to warm my heart.


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