Abrahams Secret

Abraham is one of my favorite characters in the Bible, for alot of reasons. He did so many things at such an advanced age and even had the kahunas to laugh at Gods telling him he and sarah would have a son. Abraham was far from perfect, far from sinless. He offered his wife as his sister to Pharaoh in order to save his own skin. He was a crafty businessman and a few other things. The one amazing thing he had, and that i am referring to in saying he had a *secret* is that he KNEW God!!!! He knew God in a personal way that gave him the freedom to do just about anything possible in life including offer up his own son as a sacrfice.

The story of abraham and isaac is one of the most compelling in all of Scripture. What must have been running through his mnd,his heart, the jumble of emotions as he led his son up that mpuntainside???? What is God doing???? How can God demand such a thing???/ Why and how could God ask this of anyone let alone someone as close to Him as abraham had been??? Were those the thoughts racing across his brain??? How was he able to pull himself together and not have a total emotional breakdown???

I think because of his imtimate closeness to God, his knowledge of who God was, what His character was and how he loved Him, as well as knowing how much he was loved by God that he believed somehow God would spare his son before the sacrifice happened. When the angel appeared i can almost see him letting out a huge whoop and mouthing the words *its about time* or something like that. Maybe i am way offbase and abraham had no clue God would spare isaac, but i tend to think he did.

I want to be like abraham. I saod that I agree with my former professor the more i know the more i realize i dont know. Larry over at *last exit to oblivion* just had a great post about doing reevaluation. I think the last few years i have been in a stop start process of this. I have had some *aha moments* but always end up going back to old familiar routines, defense mechanisms,ways of trying to give God what i want to give Him and keep certain things i want myself as well. Amazes me still of how intricately devious the human mind can be as well as the heart. God says Himself in His Word that ONLY HE can know the heart of man, we are far too clever for our own good and can easily decieve ourselves as well as any others. I am seeking to let change happen, to be a part of the process and not a roadblock in the way. I am my own worst enemy so much of the time. I pray and seek for God to answer my prayers and to wrestle with me and lead me to be a living sacrifice and seek Him and His kingdom first. Then almost to quick for words after i go back to committing certain actions or thoughts which induce behavior which run totally counter to what i have been seeking with Him and from Him so intently!!!

I reallly want to cooperate with God and trust Him and obey Him in faith and love i will go crazy if I am not doing that more and more each day here. I love God and Jesus, and there is still a part of me that wants to take over and fight against that saying i cant fully love God since i canmt be absolutelu sure he is really there, I cant trust he loves me anc cares about me and if He is there and is the God He declares Himself to be he wants nothing to do with me anyway because i have disobeyed and failed Him far too often and still do all the time. How can I be seeking to be a genuine Christ-follower and yet still act and think in ways that defy Him and resist Him??? How can i want to absolutely run into His arms and just live in the love He gives nd shun that love so much as well??? I have such painful memories of bac choices ive made especially in the midst of seeking to act as His servant, like when i was at that church in illinois, and at my ordination day. I have inwardly and outwardly sought to develop Jesus character in me and to be like Him. i have also sought to have lil hidden areas where i go off and act in ways that are total opposite to Jesus character and holy godly living. that is what agonizes me on a regular basis. i think my fears i struggle with stem alot from this foreboding that sometime all of a sudden God will have had enough and death in some painful way will hit me and just leave me in an eternal state of pain. i am crushed writing this because it goes against who I KNOW god is and what Jesus has done and the reality of the Gospel. But i am speaking from feelings... I whip myself alot for ever having these feelings and thoughts. let alone for the sins which cause the feelings and fears to squish around inside my head. it is like a constant circle well maybe more a labrynth always seeking to find the way out but never finding it and getting stuck time after time in deadends.

part of me has a huge joy in that i think God is breaking down the barriers I have had to help me reach the place where I just rest in Him totally 1005 and just realize He is always here and i cant drive Him away i cant lose Him to death he wont abandon me and He wont ignore or ridicule or punish me. I wonder if alot of this stuff i project onto God and how i feel Him seeing and treating me has to do with negative emotional experiences i have gone through in life Hmmmmm. My way has been to suppress and repress alot of this letting some of it out at times. God is good and my feelings cant change that. i pray more and more my feelings and actions and thoughts will be more and more daily focused and expressing the way abraham was able to i want to share abrahams secret!!!!