Approach/Avoid

Apt description of how I am relating to God lately. I had a professor who used to say the older he got the more he knew how much he really did not know. I used to smile and think o what a fun lil remark and bit of wisdom there. Now that I am around the age he was at when he made that statement its amazing how true i find his words to be. I definitely do not know like i once thought i knew and God sure is a most awesome and majestic God who defies being placed under a microscope or into any theological category or system that man conjures up.

I have experienced some incredible times last 2 weeks of just awareness (yes dana i had to use THAT word lol) of God being present of the reality that HE is always present and its my laziness,hardheartedness,immaturity and a few other things that prevent me from a constant embrace of His Presence always. O have also had glimpses of my own stubborness and recognition of the *old nature* that really does seek to battle and fight against God and His will in just a number of ways even tiny small ways. It really has made me more keenly cognizant of how sin permeates our existence and displays the unbelievable wonder of how truly amazing His grace is!!!!!! I also see any doctrine of believers achieving perfect holiness in this life a noose around our necks choking the truth out of us because only Christ will EVER be perfectly sinless and to teach that we should seek that as a goal to be a mature christian just lays a burden on us we dont need or should have.

I dont know why this is but I have often felt as though alot of times i needed to ask God and Jesus *permission* to rejoice in the Gospel and the genuine reality of salvation and belonging to Him. It's like i see all the *stuff* happening everyday as a result of our living in a fallen world and i cant let myself have the *out* of the Gospel. Like i have to feel pain and worried and a lil hopeless because so much that happens is that. Does that make sense in any kind of way??? i have been unraveling alot of junk i have held onto as underlying emotional assumptions and beliefs even that actually fight against my soul in trusting God and Jesus and living by faith in a positive active manner. God is in control ALWAYS!!! It doesn't matter what is happening anywhere anytime anyplace God is in control. Satan and circumstances and our own sinful nature tries to make it appear different and usually suffering,abuse,apathy and vice are the ways that are used. I struggle deeply internally with a battle where o make choices for pleasure which go against what i believe and know to be Gods way and His will. i try to make justifications and rationalizations but the fact remains- I fight and rebel against Him alot of the time.

What really hits me lately is how i have, since i was 16, immersed myself in a christian environment and sought to place nyself as close to God as i thought i could in what i wanted to do as an occupation and in just living life. All that and here i am in such a weird place where I struggle so much to just live in faith hope and love relating to Him as He calls me to in His Word and by His Spirit. The good thing is I seem to be awakening to promptings He shows me more and more bad news is i still am struggling with a few things i need to let go of and give to Him. I know many prayers sure have been helping me get my mind straight and help me to seek Him even in ties of severe hurting. He is just as He says in His Word. I want to turn myself over to Him completely help me to do that Lord God and help me to seek to want it even as i feel resistance inside let Your will be done inside my heart. Thank you for Your love and patience and grace!!!