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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Chasing My Tail

No i have not become delusional thinking Im somehow a dog or cat i just feel like that is my *sitz in leben* in english *situation in life* so much of the time. My endless go-round with my fear and my seeking to give it to God Sometimes i feel like Im a machine or robot with human skin on i just live life and seek to make sense of things as the dailiness of it happens day after day. That is only a part of the time. i have so much in my head i want to think about and chew on openly out here but it just rambles around in there. I wish i could take all the nonstop activity that occurs inside my mind and transplant it into my body as far as active response to any number of things throughout each day instead of continually contemplating about doing the very things i want to be doing!!!

I really am stuck lately wondering how and why i am as old as i am and still dealing with being afraid of death. I stop and think that Jesus took care of that problem for me and i have known and believed He did a very long time. The weird part is how I have let certain worries about questions of salvation and discipleship and such meander inside me and somehow always made it through just saying God would take cafre of it. He knows my fears and knows my heart He will take cafre of it. The fact i am still dealing with alot of those questions and concerns even now is what makes me scratch my head. i have an internal control which is on automatic pilot saying i know the answers and have known a long time for some reason just cant seem to rest in them. But when i look around i see most of the world has very diferent conclusions to what they believe are the *answers* and the ultimate destiny of their lives.

Jesus loves me this i know for the Bible tells me so. That is the most profound truth I want to hold onto of all the theology within Christianity. Accepting that truth and letting it direct everything in my life is my desire and my dilemma. The verse that sticks inside me and pins me against the wall time after time, *to he knows the good to do but does do it, to him it is sin* How to resist temptation as it happens and choose love over sin??? How to let the Holy Spirit melt and mold my heart instead of hardening it or scarring it by choosing to act selfishly. How to actively love God and my neighbor as Jesus calls me to and let that be a constant choise. Acceot grace to help me when i fall short of this ideal as i will because i am a hman who still has a sinful nature as well as my new nature.

Alot of people articulate their thoughts so much better than I. i just want to know God is working as i seek to chisel away from the barriers to love and obedience i have inside and become free to live as He calls me to. To know that I CAN change even though i have had the same fear for so long the same inner pain and self-degradation the same shame and guilt. Even in the midst of seeking to serve Him and for Him He is holding me and seeing me through. just like the poem *footprints* so wonderfully describes. Give me hope even though a part of me wants to wallow in despair help me to break open the box and see how trully huge You are God. help me to take inside myself the reality that if you are for me who can be against me??? even myself

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!!!!


At 2:43 PM, Blogger Gary Means said...

Robert, do I understand this correctly? Your fear is not primarily about the process of dying, painful though it may be. It is about your eternal destiny? Or is it about death as a concept? Or does it have something to do with the idea that the quality of your post-physical-death state will be totally dependent on the quality of your pre-physical-death behavior?

At 11:58 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Hey gary bro-

I have been having puter problems since tuesday hopefully get them taken care of. I did say more in my post after this one. I do think itgs the idea of death as a concept mixed in with pre-physical death behavior. The whole acting vs being thing needs more simmering inside me I need to respond to people more on here i usually tend to go to their page but i think responding here is good i will try to do so more thanks so much for checking in buddy!!


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