lamenting to God

Barbara made a very poignant post today and spoke very positively about how therapeutic and empowering the experience of blogging can be. Dan Allender wrote a book where he talks about the Psalms and how they are outpourings of raw emotion being layed entirely before God. The emotions expressed are both positive and negative. Sometimes the psalmist expresses burning anger towards God as well as sorrow grief confusion despair and the whole gamut. I feel like an ascetic at times, seeming to think that the more punishment i dish out on myself the more relief i will get. No it wasnt true then and its not true now. Matin Luther, when he was a young monk studying for the priesthood in the RCC before he launched the Protestant Reformation, was reported to have used whips to beat himself endlessly hoping to expunge himself of sinfulness in both thought and deed.

I am deeply conflicted and my desire to be open and genuine and discover kindred souls is what drives me to post as i do so often. i am not seeking to say things in a display of navelgazing or to be any kind of exhibitiuonist or attentionseeker. i just really have found that genuine encouragement is given on here, and it sby the *church* because believers are the *church* There are times where certain things are just not able to be said with those closest to you in person because of the dynamics involved. Sometimes haring in this way first also serves to make it easier and in a clearer fashion do so with people face to face.

i was in the car on the way to my moms apt the other day. i was at a red light all of a sudden i got a feeling and thought hit me that I could have a heart attack and die right there, i tried to let it pass but it started to make me feel scared. i cried out to God to please let it pass and to help me . The light changed to green, i drove up to my moms and was ok. This could happen anytime anywhere. God can take me anytime He wants for any reason. I am haunted by how long i have let fearing that happen be a struggle inside me as you all well know who have read this blog at all over the last few years. My conflict is that i feel like i should not have this fear at all as a believer and follower of Jesus. Another part of me thinks that there is plenty of reason why i have this fear and struggle with it and could well do so until i actually am taken by the Lord into eternity. I dont know just how to let this go and live life rejoicing in the Lord seeking Him and His kingdom first and living a life seeking to love HIm and love my neighbor as myself. I mean, God and Jesus specifically tell us not to worry about our life so it sgtrikes me that They wouldnt want me to be constantly anguishing over fearing if my life is going to end or not and that Im messed up even more for worrying about the fact i have fear at all.

Community. The church is a community. The *one anothers* are a huge part of the instruction in all the NT. God is a community the Trinity. I think He is alot more wanting me and all of us to focus on loving one another and growing together than so worried about my own soul. I have been in church communities since i was 16. I have beein in communities with other believers when at Bible college and seminary. I find it alot easier and have so very thankfully at times when actually involved directly with people to carry out what I see Jesus calling me to in His Word. Inside my head there is neverending conflict going back and forth between my 2 sides.

I have lost my train of thought here somehow. I guess i am just seeking to find if I am fighting a mirage in trying to rid myself of fear once and for all and to seek this constant feeling from God that will just stay in me telling me im not afraid i have no fear. Maybe that is not the way God handles it and doesnt expect me to either. i seem to end up so reliant on feelings as barometers to know where I am in my being close to God. There must be a balance where God wants me to find and meet Him at and to enjoy Him in ongoing relationship. I hope this has not come across all disjointed and just honestly expresses the goingson inside of me and my seeking completeness and love in realting to God and my neighbors. I want to stop trying to keep pain out and openly invitingly let love in with all that love opens me up too. Praise You O GOD that You ARE LOVE!!!!