who i am vs what i do

barbara made a post a few days ago about a special person in her life and the relationship they share. One of her points that really hit home with me deeply was about realizing God loves us for who we ARE not for what we DO!!!!! I think this is a major deal for me that i have struggled with since a young age.

I think my initial understanding of God was that He liked me when i was good and was angry or upset or disappointed with me if i was bad. Possibly many of us have internalized this view of God and His emotional relating to us but it seems most grow out of it in time. For me though who i was seemed to be tied in to my physcial appearance which was fine until i turned 12. Severe acne covered my face and I recieved nothing but constant reminders and ridicule of how ugly i appeared despite usingall the remedies that were available then. i wasn't going to church then and really did not have a relationship with God in anyway except for what i had taken in while in the Catholic Church. I think feeling and believing myself to be ugly and unattractive and undesirable to others not just girls in a romantic sense but people as a whole as well and ultimately God. i think i devloped an inner realization that i had to perform and be a certain way in order to get affection or acceptance or be valued and loved. This is thinking out loud all thoughts by my readers will be welcomed.

Seeking to have some kind of control also has played a major theme for me also. Mostly after my father died i think as an 8 year old and one who already was very intoverted and more at home inside my head and imagination, I sought to make control in a way that met my needs. Death was liike a monster in the shadows that could come out and strike anytime and somehow i needed to find a way to keep him away. i was a voracious comicbook reader growing up and i am sure had a highly developed case of *magical thinking*. I think that it never quite fully went away and has been lodged in the back part of my consciousness all this time.

I will need to expand in more posts on this. I just am sensing even more so now especially after reading blogs of people who resonate what i have experienced so incredibly and strike chirds of resemblance inside me. I have the 2 mes one that can live move breathe and fully take on life and realize Gods Authority Jesus Lordship and the Holy Spirits guidance as genuine reality. Then there is the me that feels like i have to be *on guard* all time always looking out for any hidden dangers or attacks always trying to outguess whatever is *out there* and not really quite able to let God and His love be the power He is but sensing fear and pain and the unknown as something that is destined to happen to me and to get me in some catastrophic fashion. The second me cannot pin down any of these ideas because its more emotion/intuitive.sensing based and so its a circle that goes round and round.

I say all this as a committed disciple of Jesus Christ and lover of God even though i fall flat over and over again. I want to give Him this second me. Is that possible??? Is that what He wants??? Do we all have this battle going on to some degree or another and it will be that way till we die and are promoted to glory???? All thoughts and wonderments are greatly valued. Definitely more to come.