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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Batman and robin

This post wont be easy. i have been wanting to write a post about my dad for a long time finally am making it. The title of the post will become clear as you read further. I actually started this post and was overcome by my emotions, eyes tearing up,chest tight feeling so drained and my dumb computer came up with some kind of error message and i had to delete it and start over. OK hopefully it was a good thing.

I always tell my mom the way she met my dad needs to become a movie. Young man in army falls in love with his nurse who treats him for cancer???/ jake gyllenhaal and kate beckinsale (sound good mom?) He spent sometime over in greenland for the army. Quite a stunning spectacle i saw lots of pictures used to love the green ice. Once he arrived back home he worked a cop in New Jersey. I know he was an outstanding cop my mom has a scrapbook with lil clips from his arrests as well as other memorabilia of being on the force. I got to have alot of good times with him even with his facing being sick on and off. Went to Mets games,watched football.went on a vacation to california driving in a ford station wagon. Talk about miracles!!! lol He was a funloving personable smart guy. Our house in NJ needed a paintjob one year. My mom can testify to how well liked my dad was by all the cops who took time to drive down and help pain our house. This was a split level house btw no easy job. It is good to remember how many friends he had, how much he was cared about.

One of our favorite things to do was watch tv at night especially Adam-12 and Batman. At the very beginning of Batman they have the scene where all the kapows zowies and sock are shown as the caped crusaders hit the villains. At the end they smile and shake hands. We did that with them all the time!!! Now you see why my title. My dad was a superhero to me.

1969 man lands on the moon amazin mets win the world series my dad loses his life to cancer. i remember seeing a huge scar on his chest where a lung had been removed. he and my mom chose to not tell me or my sister about the cancer. His death came as a shock. i was 8 at the time. Images of him run in my mind like snapshots as opposed to a movie. i think a large part of me just went into hibernation somehow hoping it was a nightmare that in some unimaginable way wasnt true. Death didnt work that way, doesnt work that way.He wasnt coming back. How was death to be sopped beaten cheated??// Would it take my mom too???/ Would it take me???? Was cancer looming in the background just waiting to devour another victim for no reason???/ Reality of God Jesus and Heaven are comforts but dont completely satisfy the vivid imagination of an emotionally wounded 8 year old. So many questions so much wondering about why how what if. Wanting to be strong and more mature than my age for my mom and sister yet so very fearful and weak inside.

People would ask about my dad and i would have to say he died. Awkward always is when you discover a kid has lost a parent. I learned to be able to say its ok and just let it pass. I learned to bury emotions deep inside. My mom tells me i had high blood pressure as a kid. i think i see why looking back. There ss much missed by not having my dad around while getting older. Just certain things my mom couldnt do. I think alot of my struggles i have had especially with fear and lack of confidence stem from my way of dealing with his death. I sense feeling like an 8 year old when trying to nail it down lots of times. As well as struggling in relating emotionally to God. My mature self knows the truth about God about the results of sin and thr fall and the way life goes all the ups and downs and different things in between. My immature self doesnt. Still will sit and wonder why death even has to happen atall. Why have to wonder about possibly being taken down by some tragedy???

I see the difference as i look at what i wrote. i am not trying to overdramatize i know many have suffered far greater losses and pain than myself. Im just wanting to lay out openly the struggle that occurs inside maybe in a fresh way and let it lose steam. I miss my dad especially when seeing movies or events that celebrate the wonder and joy of having a close relationship with a father. The absolutely most amazing truth though is that God and Jesus KNOW!!! The single worst possibile occurence to ever happen................ became the single best occurence to ever happen!!!! Jesus death Jesus resurrection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How great is our God!!!!!


At 8:15 PM, Blogger Shaz said...

I can relate to this loosing my dad at 12 had a huge impact on my life.
I truly believe a father is a huge spiritual stabiliser and when he is taken out of the equasion its hard and a huge empty void is never filled we just have to do our best.
Thanks for sharing. x


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