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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

dying to live

Life is difficult that is the opening line of the bestseller by M Scott Peck *The Road Less Traveled* It is really a great opening line because once you accept that truth it helps you to handle the fact that life is difficult it doesnt make life LESS difficult. I have been seeking to open myself to God to repent of old patterns and go with His leading to overcome some things. I have had my deepest hearfelt prayer be to wrestle with God. I was in theater in high school and once considered being an actor. I think I learned acting way too much long before high school. I know and believe God is love and He is good He is who He says He is in His Word. At the sametime I know and believe this I also have the fear and the secondguessing the attempt to try and somehow control life from having whati feel and think are *bad things* In the back of my mind for the longest time I have felt death chasing me trying to get me and even more so because i have been scared of it and tried to wish it away or deny it or just find some form of escape. What meakes it even worse is the guilt and shame i feel for feeling this way. For letting myself have these fears. God jesus and the Holy Spirit are in control. They call me to live life in faith trusting Them. i feel like Im 2 people as i write this. The one who believes and wants to live for God and be used as he desires to use me. The other one who is scared of Him scared He lets bad things happen that i deserve because i have messed up so much. I choose to run off to fantasy that takes away the pain over places inside where I feel a loss and i turn to fantasy as a way to fill that chasm. I fear being this transparent in sharing all this here but at the same time hope that in doingso it will be a tool God uses to transform me in ways i so want Him to do.

I am smart capable have gifts desire to use them a deep sense of caring for people and more YET i tie myself up in knots by letting fear a allencompassing nagging try to keep the lid on type fear and a inabilty to let myself fully feel my emotions. I run the other wau from the very thing I most want to do. i love and want God I fear and run from God. I find myself feeling so emotionally torn inside more and more just sensing the battle inside to let self die so I can fully live as He calls me to live. I feel like I have wanted to somehow become *good enough* for Gods acceptance deep inside. Even though the definition of grace is unmerited favor I have an inherent internal belief that i need to earn Gods love attention care affection and anything to do with what goes into a relationship. It really hurts to want to actually have it all together and be what you want God to want you to be but in reality know just how far short you are and wonder how to let Him make the desired self a reality. Have mercy on me O God!!! Blessed be the name of the Lord!!!


At 6:31 AM, Blogger Gary Means said...

Well, my friend, we're singing off the same sheet of music once again. We both know that God is bigger than the fears which bind us.

May He bring us release. May He draw us ever closer to Him. May He help us find rest in His embrace. amen

At 7:37 AM, Blogger bjk said...

YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made........

You are HIS handiwork......

You are a child of God and HE LOVES YOU....

His fingerprints are all over you the world has them all smudgy but they are ALL over you....

not platitudes but a heartfelt prayer for you to KNOW this......love and friendship to another seeking heart. praying for you in these realizations ...keep writing .....love becky


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