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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Again and Again

Was tough today. I felt a nagging sense of discomfort, of my need for change. I had dreams of being an actor once upon a time. I think as i reflect back i could have been a good one, a charactor actor never a leading man lol. i remember when i was at Bible College I auditioned for this theater group that had formed, a lil late though. The directot really liked me and wanted to use me but my schedule conflicted with the group so it wasn't meant to be. I think i have developed my skills as an actor all throughout life, many roles enacted, alas there were done internally,emotionally and as a means of handling life.

I try to be very open on here, about myself and what Im dealing with. Sometimes i think i say too much and come across so self-absorbed, and to an extent i guess i am. I really want it to be self-examining seeking to draw closer to being God-absorbed. It is hard to have life smack you around in ways that make you have to take a deep look. I have been so able to selfcontain emotional hurt for as long as i can recall. The pain I have felt through many different events in life, I foind a way to mask it and to be able to deal with it in certain ways, but i also found ways to hide it and do that well thinking out of sight is out of mind not so fast. As i write this i feel like who am i to be saying i had pain and hardship which affected me alot in living life when there are people with lifethreatening illnesses,terrible abuse that has happened. My life has been a virtual breeze compared to so many yet here i am with my lil mess.

I know the truth about God, Jesus,the Bible. I have witnessed peoples lives changed,have seen Him do great things in churches, on mission fields,in the highways and byways. For some reason though the thought of death haunts and terrifies. i know full well it has to happen, its just the way it is. I just get the painful images and hurting feelings inside, feeling like I have been a big letdown to God because of being so oversensitive and so lacking in the boldness courage and confidence He tells us to have all throughout His Word. I don't know really why this is. I know factors that have contributed to it. I just don't know why i am as old as i am, have gone through the things i have and still can be having these struggles of feeling distant and a disappointment to God.

I have told of the rejection and ridicule i experienced due to being awkward and clumsy physically, Being emotionally fragile,frrling ugly once acne scarred my face,and just bein the object of ridicule in almost every place i have gone in life school,camp,work,social circles and even church. I had a counselor once who i went to see about sexual addiction, first thing he said after i arrived and shook his hand. *your not a mans man kind of guy are you?* Excuse me???? I am a very solid football player built guy. i have a solid handshake, but as i said before i have a very soft voice and am quite shy at first. I just met this clown and he makes an assertion like that!!!! Needless to say i never went back! I am very easygoing and pretty much can get along with about anyone and have. For some reason though i attract bullies and haters who see me as an easy target and i guess in some strange way i am. I have had people mess with me about my hair,my way i chew,my walk,my run,my weight,my face,my last name,seems like almost anything. I havent understood it most of the time. Thankfully i have never been one to lash out and let loose all my rage and anger over this treatment. I think i have done so towards myself safer that way.

In spite of all this I mostly do enjoy people and have fun. I love to be around people and share with them, whether it be playing a game,watching a movie,going to a sporting event,hanging out whatever. In daily life i manage well. Inside all these things i mention are like lil claws that snap and bite at me, never ceasing. *Perfect love casts out fear* I have sought this for ages what is malfunctioning in me that it hasnt happened??? What is it that makes me feel im unable to let God be God and just have me able to rest in Him knowing im secure in His love and grace???? I have some things I think contribute to this, just wonder if i should share them here. i so hate having these posts come off like a downer. I want to rejoice in the Lord i seek to and then I wallow in wondering why I don't. Is it so simple as i need to choose to even when I am feeling so disappointing to Him??? Is an answer to accept the need to repent and return, seeking Him in prayer, meditation and obedience to connect with Him so intimately?? I hope my sharing like a broken record. I get a sense God is nudging me so i get beyond my current precipice. I asked sought pleaded for Him to wrestle with me. I pray that what Im thinking/feeling is the result of this prayer and that He will lead me to a depth I havent even understood is there. Open my eyes,my heart,my will help me to want You and to follow where You lead me. No resurrection without death first,


At 4:13 AM, Blogger Shaz said...

Firstly sweet friend you are never a disapointment to God or I dare say to anyone who cares for you. The problem lies in your own self confidence honey, you are bright articulate caring and loving, you need to feel and see what we all know to be true.
You are a great guy who doesnt love himself enough.
And this is your space to say what ever you want and I wouldnt come back if I didnt care or thought you were self absorbed.
Dont ever think that you shouldnt feel as you do because there are people worse off......because there always will be.
Your pain is yours and it is real and you cant judge yourself or your feelings on other peoples pain.
You know one thing I have learnt and it took a long time for me to accept it and it is still a little over whelming..... I now judge myself by the people in my life the ones who love me, the ones who support me no matter what, the ones who laugh with me the people I respect and care about deeply, I had to ask myself why would I have these wonderful people in my life if I did not deserve them.
I came to the conclusion that I must be okay or no one would give a shit.
Listen to the people who care about you, believe the positive words that are given and know in your heart of hearts that the lord Loves you no matter what because you are pure of heart my friend.

Hang in ther buddy and why not pursue what you enjoy acting is a whole new world to escape in and why not.

At 5:33 AM, Blogger Robert said...

Shazzie!!! hey matey thank you sweet friend you know a big part of me gets scared eveeytime i post about these feelings that the friends like you will be like *o man why go on and on like this ill be back when your over it* I cannot thank God enough for the incredible people He has let me meet sucj as yourself!!! I think you are so right take and let the positive from good people and friends sink in and take root so good to have you back inlline shazzie I know you brighten the day of so many people and Im sure amonst them!!! xx

At 4:25 PM, Blogger Barbara said...

Hola Roberto! Can I ditto everything Shaz said...I was going to say pretty much the same thing but she says it so well.

I will say I'd like to meet the counselor that said that to you and tell him he's an ass. I should set him up with the counselor that told me that if I shopped wear she shopped for clothes I may not feel so down on myself. Idiots.

Sweetie, you are you and your blog, like mine, often contains heartache, pain, questioning, etc.
That's ok. I know how you feel though. I wonder the same things about myself being a broken record.

I care about you. Maybe we can chat this weekend.

At 7:43 PM, Blogger Robert said...

hey barbara buddy!! Shazzie sure does know how lay it out there she gives most excellent words of wisdom!! I agree with you about those counselors, wonder how many clients either of them have??? lol

I care about you alot aswell my friend you know your a jewel to me sure do hope we can talk soon so glad we both found blogging so many amazingly wonderful people out here ya know??


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