Again and Again

Was tough today. I felt a nagging sense of discomfort, of my need for change. I had dreams of being an actor once upon a time. I think as i reflect back i could have been a good one, a charactor actor never a leading man lol. i remember when i was at Bible College I auditioned for this theater group that had formed, a lil late though. The directot really liked me and wanted to use me but my schedule conflicted with the group so it wasn't meant to be. I think i have developed my skills as an actor all throughout life, many roles enacted, alas there were done internally,emotionally and as a means of handling life.

I try to be very open on here, about myself and what Im dealing with. Sometimes i think i say too much and come across so self-absorbed, and to an extent i guess i am. I really want it to be self-examining seeking to draw closer to being God-absorbed. It is hard to have life smack you around in ways that make you have to take a deep look. I have been so able to selfcontain emotional hurt for as long as i can recall. The pain I have felt through many different events in life, I foind a way to mask it and to be able to deal with it in certain ways, but i also found ways to hide it and do that well thinking out of sight is out of mind not so fast. As i write this i feel like who am i to be saying i had pain and hardship which affected me alot in living life when there are people with lifethreatening illnesses,terrible abuse that has happened. My life has been a virtual breeze compared to so many yet here i am with my lil mess.

I know the truth about God, Jesus,the Bible. I have witnessed peoples lives changed,have seen Him do great things in churches, on mission fields,in the highways and byways. For some reason though the thought of death haunts and terrifies. i know full well it has to happen, its just the way it is. I just get the painful images and hurting feelings inside, feeling like I have been a big letdown to God because of being so oversensitive and so lacking in the boldness courage and confidence He tells us to have all throughout His Word. I don't know really why this is. I know factors that have contributed to it. I just don't know why i am as old as i am, have gone through the things i have and still can be having these struggles of feeling distant and a disappointment to God.

I have told of the rejection and ridicule i experienced due to being awkward and clumsy physically, Being emotionally fragile,frrling ugly once acne scarred my face,and just bein the object of ridicule in almost every place i have gone in life school,camp,work,social circles and even church. I had a counselor once who i went to see about sexual addiction, first thing he said after i arrived and shook his hand. *your not a mans man kind of guy are you?* Excuse me???? I am a very solid football player built guy. i have a solid handshake, but as i said before i have a very soft voice and am quite shy at first. I just met this clown and he makes an assertion like that!!!! Needless to say i never went back! I am very easygoing and pretty much can get along with about anyone and have. For some reason though i attract bullies and haters who see me as an easy target and i guess in some strange way i am. I have had people mess with me about my hair,my way i chew,my walk,my run,my weight,my face,my last name,seems like almost anything. I havent understood it most of the time. Thankfully i have never been one to lash out and let loose all my rage and anger over this treatment. I think i have done so towards myself safer that way.

In spite of all this I mostly do enjoy people and have fun. I love to be around people and share with them, whether it be playing a game,watching a movie,going to a sporting event,hanging out whatever. In daily life i manage well. Inside all these things i mention are like lil claws that snap and bite at me, never ceasing. *Perfect love casts out fear* I have sought this for ages what is malfunctioning in me that it hasnt happened??? What is it that makes me feel im unable to let God be God and just have me able to rest in Him knowing im secure in His love and grace???? I have some things I think contribute to this, just wonder if i should share them here. i so hate having these posts come off like a downer. I want to rejoice in the Lord i seek to and then I wallow in wondering why I don't. Is it so simple as i need to choose to even when I am feeling so disappointing to Him??? Is an answer to accept the need to repent and return, seeking Him in prayer, meditation and obedience to connect with Him so intimately?? I hope my sharing like a broken record. I get a sense God is nudging me so i get beyond my current precipice. I asked sought pleaded for Him to wrestle with me. I pray that what Im thinking/feeling is the result of this prayer and that He will lead me to a depth I havent even understood is there. Open my eyes,my heart,my will help me to want You and to follow where You lead me. No resurrection without death first,