Open and Close

Its a tough call at times to decide what to post on here. How much is too much?? Does this serve a good purpose for being shared, will this be construed as being whiney,prideful,strange and any number of things. There is a lot of freedom in writing here but also at times a sense of loneliness because the people Im connecting with arent able to be seen touched and heard in person. Both a blessin gand a curse. it has been great to meet people and talk on the phonem makes things even more personal that way.

My sister says that anything we leave unresolved in childhood will reassert itself in our adult lives till we deal with it. i think that is very true overall. My passive/agressiveness definitely fits there. The staying in my head as a means of staying safe and having an illusion of control. Im thankful i have a good sense of humor and an ability to pick up on things pretty quickly. I have an ability to get along easily with most people and can manage life and its necessities fairly well however, I have an inner world which for some reason just seems to take leave of all awareness of what is really real at times and lets wild imagination run rampant and freeze me from action. I really would like to read up on how personality dispositions do affect us and can impact us way into our adult lives. Anyone who knows any books or journal articles on this I would love to hear of them, I just know I have an affinity for burying myself inside my head and staying dependently attached in there afraid of what will happen to me if i come out and let loose. I am talking in a very detailed way here, some of my sharing is an extreme because im trying to be as transparent as possible.

Here is a good example of my struggle in microcosm. i have talked about my 2 coworkers who find it a fun game to badger me and bait me for their own amusement. i am a relatively quiet person, very soft-spoken, which comes from having bad hearing. I have a hard time telling how loud my voice is and am always being told i talk way to softly. Both these guys like to come up to me together and begin saying their things which they know get under my skin. i try to laugh it off or ignore it. They persist. I tell them to shut up or go away, they ask why am i getting mad that they are just joking around. This same scenario has been played almost every day for last 4 years or so. I have taken them and told them very directly that they are being immature and need to grow up as well as say i just dont want to play their games. Part of me wonders if Im overreacting and should just laugh and go along with it, another part of me says no they are being disrespectful and rude and i should not have to put up with it. Either way though Im not sure whats the right response. The fact i have something like this to share on here as i am is a pain in my neck.

To accept me for me, as God does. That is the challenge. Hopefully it is happening more and more and is helped along by the caring,sharing and exhortation offered by all of you out there. Don't ever stop!!!!