in pursuit

My dad was a cop. Unfortunately I was too young to go on ridealongs with him when he patrolled in a squad car. I have always loved cop shows, especially chases. So cool to watch the cops chase the bad guys yell into their walkie-talkie * suspect on foot officer in pursuit* Adam-12 was a great show. i have been in pursuit of a different nature, pursuing getting closer to God and deeper in relationship to Jesus Christ and people. Funny thing though, the harder i seem to want to pursue the further behund i fall.

My wonderful friend barbara has had a series of posts on one of her blogs lately. Some very heartfelt,self-revealing , deep soulsearching posts. I often tell her she and I inhabit the same mind only in separate bodies, gary is also part of this equation. So much of what she discusses in alot of her posts reflects my internal feelings/thoughts/wonderings and so on. its so surreal at times to look at myself from an observer point of view and wonder why and how I am at the place Im at. Especially having been a believer for so long. There was a time when I felt like I was really in step with Gods Spirit in a big way and pursuing what He wanted me to. I think i may have put on rosy colored glasses to see through though. I think about God and Jesus ALOT. I think about how I want to be a servant like Jesus and love as He did. I want to live as He calls for in the Bible. Yet,(decided not to use but lol) I so often continually choose other ways to go, different paths and really not sure why. My mind is on autopilot so often it seems, never stopping, always running a million different ways atall times.

At some point when i was really young I learned to take a cautious,retreatist,passive approach to dealing with things that scared me or seemed to hard for me. I looked to needing a rescuer to do things for me i felt unable to do myself. In third grade i just could not do word problems ot long division and fractions. My mom tried to help me and let me work it out on my own, but i was insistent that i could NOT do it and being as how she had just lost her husband,was trying to raise 2 kids and deal with all the stress involved in that, i wore her down after an innate stubborn refusal to do the math. I think i let this reaction become a pattern, especially emotionally and relationally. When things become what i perceive as too difficult i seek to have someone help me or bail me out. This really presents problems when it comes to God. I mean Jesus is the ultimate rescuer, after all He IS Savior!!!! But, (oopps there is that but) He also asks us to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. There are things He wants and asks us to do ourselves. This is where i struggle and where I get all messed up internally and caught in a web of my own mind.


I am pretty smart, there was a time i didnt believe this because I took a long time to learn how to tell time and to adjust emotionally to school. I lack common sense alot though. i guess my gullibility and naivete show here. being smart or intelligent gives me no solace to deal with my fears and my emotional quicksand when it comes to just being free to reach out and love and trust and let my mind just be, accepting the present and enjoying what is. i KNOW death will happen, at some point, and i dont want it too!!!! Instead of seeing the joy of being with Christ in heaven and being in eternity forever surrounded by everyone and its perfect peace I see pain, horror,anguish,hurt the feelings of my life being taken away. WHY???? why in the HELL???? I am not trying to be overdramatic but this expresses the insanity of it for me. I dont do this towards anyone else but cant help or seem to stop doing it for me. Do others of you suffer with this??? Those of you who may not be religious do you ahve your own version of this???? I really want to hear any and all sharing. I apologize for this pos being so long, i hope you made it through and that some of it resonates.