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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Shifting Shadows

Trust Risk Those 2 words are scary as hell to me. Fear, that everpresent shadow which follows me. Fear feels very much like its Mr T in Rocky 3. Big,bad,ferocious and wanting to hurt me and make me feel severe pain. Trust and risk act like Rocky standing toe to toe,staring Mr T right in the face and saying----- Go For It!!!! Once Rocky said those words you KNEW Mr T never had a chance!!!! This is what i want to do to fear. In some bizarre, strange way God is helping turn a lock inside that lets me do that very thing. A tiny turn of the lock but a turn nonetheless.

I have a mind that tells me i should have everything figured out and be perfectly mature and demonstrate it always in thought and behavior. Everything about God and Jesus runs through my mind like, of course that is how it is you know it just do it. But, I do not just fall in line that easily. I have deep areas of struggle which are further down than what I know to be true objectively. I have such a conservative mind and want things to be clearcut and nailed down, shades of gray that are not hard to discern. I have been learning that God and this crazy life just are not that way as i once believed them to be. Trust becomes even more a challenge when the ability to see is murky and dark.

God took my father. He was a very young man. He had battled cancer since he was 20, doing his job as a cop even while undergoing such pain and discomfort from the cancer and the chemo. Time went by and if it had just stayed away for a lil longer the doctors said it would likely never come back. IT CAME BACK!!!!! He died at 30 years old. I didn't want to accept it, even after going up to the casket and touching his body. I didn't want to believe it. Even after seeing the coffin lowered into the ground and having the flag given to me as the oldest child. I didn't want to believe it. How could i trust this God who either allowed this to happen or maybe made it happen???? Find a way to escape, deny,run anything to make it as though it were not so.

That last paragraph is my emotions and imagination as a frightened 8 year old. A mask was adapted to appear strong, under control and mature beyond my years, a big boy who was able to handle life and its rough blows. Fear saw under the mask and always tried to make it come off. Fear sought to always confuse and cloud the ability to trust and recieve Gods love grace and affection deep inside my heart. Fear has lurked around alwsys,regardless how i sought to get past it and grow in the knowledge of Jesus Christ and find comfort from the Holy Spirit. I have tried to run,avoid it like Rocky wanted to avoid facing Mr T again after being beat so badly once.

Shadows do shift however. the very fear i have sought to escape I have had tiny steps to stand and face. Fear is no match to God. That 8 year old did not comprehend the enormity of God letting His own Son suffer and die on the cross. Taking that truth inside and not having it be a theological understanding but a true reality of how pain and suffering was faced and overcome by God Himself. He knew and was with my dad in all he went through. He will be with me in anything i go through as He always has been. This is a small sampling of turning more and more to face fear and let His love and grace melt away my avoidance and let me embrace anything and everything that needs to be endured. This is a rollercoaster adventure but i want more and more to enjoy the ride than to let fear keep me from getting on. Sure helps to be around a community of rollercoaster riders here in blogland!!!!!


At 11:43 PM, Blogger Barbara(aka Layla) said...

hey. that's all i can say right now. love ya. B

At 5:58 AM, Blogger Gypsy said...

I so wish you could find a way to conquer this ever present fear that keeps you from truly living. I, and many of your other blogger friends, will always be cheering you on from the sidelines Bobby. I hope you always know that.

At 6:13 AM, Blogger Shaz said...

Hey Bobby as usual gypsy and I think alike I second that motion.
Hugs sweet man xx

At 7:35 AM, Blogger bjk said...

And maybe Robert HE wants you as that child.......as that child but with the knowledge you now possess...???

Praying for you brother, seriously I pray for you at the weirdest times...:)

At 9:47 AM, Blogger Jo said...

I'm sorry you lost your father so young.

I think questioning, struggling, are not only necessary, but good...it's your life-work, heart-work...makes you more of yourself, leads you towards what you are meant to become.


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