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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Gods Acceptance-Not Peoples

I have written before about a situation i had at my work. I have these coworkers who for some reason see me as their human punching bag, they can verbally punch and jab as they choose and see it as just a game. I had another occurrence the other day. One guy came up and said he wanted to trade punches to the arm. one for one. I work with a bunch of guys and we have all done this before, I am very solid and found it no big deal. I took the first punch. I really don't punch right, partlu because I have always been strong in my upper body and was afraid of hurting someone. I also just never learned the right way to punch. Anyhow, he thought it was a weak punch and then took his turn. He hit me with pretty much all his might and i felt it, but i took it in stride. The other guys all acted like he really hurt me and one started laughing and saying, why are you beating up an old man??? Just the way he said it and was laughing made me feel again like he was placing me one down from him and anyone else.

I have always had a problem with being picked on by bullies. I am not sure it's because io have a gentle nature or what. I don't do anything outwardly to cause it. I am pretty quiet but i have an easygoing personality and can pretty much get along with anyone. I have a few things which may have been targets bullies saw. I have always been big for my age, but gentle and softspoken. I have only one good ear but I had tons of earaches when i was little and it caused me to not be able to gauge the loudness of my voice. I tended not to fight back and perhaps this made them want to push harder to force a reaction.

I just am posting on this because again as it has all through the years, i wonder why it is they seem e this way and what it is that has made me a target in this way??? I also have have struggled feeling like I was somehow less than others because of my shyness and hard time standing up for myself. The inner feeling of lack of confidence and shame has seemed to be rooted in there since i don't know when. God accepts and loves me as i am with all this, even my own lack of self-acceptance. I had a problem of stuttering and wetting the bed for a few years growing up, and I think these could have formed a conditioned sense of feeling shamed which just remained even after all these years. I'm just thinking out loud here, because i really wonder why I still have the struggle with these feelings from such a small,random and mostly insignificant event that happened.

Anyone relate or have something which may be similar??? Any suggestions on just letting it go??? Just crazy how things from a long time ago can affect the present so powerfully. Thanks all!!!


At 7:29 AM, Blogger Gypsy said...

Luckily Robert you are not the one with the problem though I certainly understand why it would feel as though you are. NO...and I cannot say this strongly enough...the bullies of this world are a scourge on society and human kind and deserve nothing but contempt.

I cannot say for sure why you seem to be a target for this kind of treatment but I think if you turned around one day and really stood up for yourself they would probably be so shocked you might find they treat you differently in the future.

I was once very shy (yes it's hard to believe) and people used to walk all over me. Once or twice I was pushed too far and lost my patience and temper and gave as good as I got. I never had another problem with those particular people again. The lesson I learned was that if you don't stand up for yourself and display some self respect, they will just keep hounding you because it's easy. These people aren't particularly intelligent so it doesn't take much to entertain and amuse them. You need to take that away from them. I truly hope you can. It won't make you a bad person if you stand up for yourself, you owe yourself that.

Good Luck my gentle giant friend.

At 5:27 PM, Blogger Milly said...

Men are so different from women. We don’t feel the need to punch each other. We do however have those moments of snipping.

I would walk away from those arm punching challenges. And if they pressed on hit them and hard. Then I’d say “See all these times I’ve pulled them so that I wouldn’t hurt you boys. Now how about we stop doing this?”

I understand shy. I was for a while when I was younger. After being bullied I stood up for myself and my shyness went away. I guess for me it was survival. I also got past it because I stood up for those around me that we being bullied.

I don’t get why those kind of people are out there but I know they aren’t the ones I want to hang out with.

You are a target because you are a nice guy. My son is because he is a nice kid. It's sad but true.

Hold on to your values and stay true to yourself.

God bless.

At 8:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First of all, those guys are morons. But it's difficult to deal with people who have made up their minds that they are superior to you. Blow them off if you can. That may not be possible in your position. Or, I'd tend to agree with Milly -- hit the guy as hard as you can. Part of me wants to see you miss and break his nose, but you do need to stay employed. Fantasies of justice . . .

You said, "Just crazy how things from a long time ago can affect the present so powerfully." Not a day goes by that I am not haunted by memories of my past, sometimes things from over 45 years ago. I have no idea as to how to let them go.

I am starting to read, "Feeling Good" by Dr. David D. Burns, which presents cognitive therapy to change the distorted way we view life and especially ourselves when we get depressed. I'll let you know if it makes any difference.


At 7:28 AM, Blogger karen said...

We can all relate. My oldest was a target, my youngest..never. It was their persona, their attitude. My oldest and I were both quiet and shy growing up...the perfect target. It took both of us to stand up for ourselves. My youngest...if anyone messed with him, he took a physical stance that meant..."don't try." Never has had to lay a hand on anyone. No one messes with him, ever.

Tell them you don't play games with little boys. Or punch hard. Or, heck, tell them that the reason you don't hit hard is you accidentally killed a man once...like the Quiet Man. LOL! Kidding.
The work place isn't a place for physical contact. Tell them that.
I understand, though.
People can be horrid and unkind.


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