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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Under the Surface

Alot of different stuff zingzanging around my head. How to be still and know that He is God??? God is omnipresent, He is always here. Why do i have this seemingly unending struggle then to realize,believe and relax in that truth??? I have this part of me which is always on alert mode trying to be ready for when the other shoe drops and I get a life threatening something happen to me as did to my father. This is totally irrational and emotional in nature but it STAYS!!! part of me chastises myself and says come on man your dad got cancer and it killed him, it happens all the time to people get over it move on let it go bite the bullet and be a MAN!!!

A part of me accepts my woundedness and that i have parts of me which are broken and do not know how to handle certain tough areas of life and the unexpected and ominous occurrences that happen daily. part of me wants to fully accept what i see laid out in Scripture very clearly that reveals God cares for us unceasingly and without fail even despite our selfishness and rebellion against Him we so often display.

God is Almighty. He is that He is. He is love. He is awesome and majestic beyond my comprehension. i want to embrace,love, trust and obey Him with all my being and I find that I fight against this very thing, even while gritting my teeth and kicking myself for my craziness. These varied ideas of God and how He sees me and how he feels about me, did He create me with freedom to choose Him or destined to be the non-elect because of my fear and struggles with addictive behaviors and hurting heart???

I like to be very clear and concise usually when posting. So much of the time my mind is a clutter of so much all at once. Attempts to express it cohesively can be a difficult task indeed. To seek Him and His kingdom and His righteousness first, to be not afraid and to be still and know He is God, to let go of sinful choices which seek to put something else than Him as a way to meet my needs and my soul thirst and hunger. These are my deepest desires and goals, my dreams and wishes. i pray by sharing openly and laying myself out there with my failings that some may empathize and that He will nudge me letting me know He understands and stays with me as I trod along.

4 Comments:

At 3:16 AM, Blogger Gypsy said...

I'm sure He understands you Robert, probably better than you understand yourself.

 
At 6:59 AM, Blogger Becky said...

gypsy is so right......:)

 
At 8:19 AM, Blogger Scot said...

Robert,

Lately, I have been filling my head with so much reading material that I began to question what do I truly believe, and what should I not only believe but also should know. I say that to say all of this thinking, which in itself may be good for me, but is it important? I mean, I started thinking(here I go again), if I was satan, I probably would try to convince me to inundate my mind with so much literature, other than God's Word, that the mix would be a recipe for convluted confusion. However, all this reading allowed me to cross paths with a book titled, "Out of the question into the mystery," by Leonard Sweet, which basically states - go back to the basics of wanting and desiring an intimate relationship with God and the rest will be revealed. Although, head knowledge may be good, I am finding humbleness and knowing that God accepts me and wants Jesus to live His life through me as learn to walk in step with the guiding Holy Spirit.

Thanks for being transparent. You are truly an awesome man allowing God to mold you into His very likeness. God bless you with undescribable peace and your in my prayers.

 
At 7:03 PM, Blogger Robert said...

gypsy- o wow so good to have you come by my lovely friend!!!! I believe your right my friend and i am so glad too!!!

becky- mmhmmmm I fully agree!!!

scot- hey brother thank you for your prayers and uplfting exhortation!!! I have that book you mentioned, i need to read it. Stepping back and seeking to humbly walk in Jesus grace and peace in step with the Spirit sounds like a very good rememdy to me!!

 

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