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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

He who began a good work in you

Awesome comments from my last few posts. Thank you janice and miriam!!! Refocusing here today. Just focusing on His Word and what He says about Himself and what is said about Him, how can I not find rest and peace in Him and His love??? The trouble starts when I lose focus on HIm and His love, and it happens all too easy. Like i said about the Isrealites in the desert, such short memories.Why does my memory get so short??? I think holding onto past sins and failures and losses is part of the reason.

When I was in jr college i was intending to be a psychologist. I got all A's one semester, making the deans list, and all my professors who were psychologists were very encouraging. I am horrible at math. i never took algebra, am scared of fractions and dont even go there with word problems ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I have a math phobia in a way. I found out that psychologists have to take statistics to achieve their degree. I froze!!! No way could i possibly pass that class!!!! Dreams of being a counselor sunk down deep :( I didn't think about a tutor, i just felt I was pulled out of the game due to this one class. I had also thought about being a minister, as it was a helping profession as well. I chose to pursue ministry by going to Bible College. I think in hindsight i did this due to the fear of failing statistics. Not the best reason to pursue ministry. What ended up happening in Bible College was i discovered youth ministry was not really for me, Why had i not pursued pastoral counseling or Bible and become an associate minister??? My dreams i had before beginning Bible College were evaporated now as well. I ended college and went to live with my mom and seek a job that I had not been working towards at all the past 5 years!!

I think the sense of my own failure and lack of perseverance and determination to pursue my dreams in spite of obstacles and fear of failing has been like a shadow following me ever since. Not to mention i had been in a cocoon of disneyland-like surrounding while at Bible College. The actual hard reality of life is not experienced there. I was now removed from that environment, away from friends, away from professors, forced to make do by finding some kind of job.

I just mention all that not as a pity/poor me thing, sure hope it doesnt sound that way. But to talk out loud about some reasons for my inner battle i have written of at length. God has been there through all of it, His love and grace as they always are. Why such a penchant for self-abuse and feeling like i deserve punishment and being left out for my weaknesses and poor choices?? That is to be explored more here. Gods greatness- my weakness and how He embraces me in it all. Keep sharing if you stop by here please. Love hearing from anyone!!!

1 Comments:

At 1:44 AM, Blogger ellyodd said...

Hey, have you ever heard about DYSCALCULIA? It's 'math dyslexia'. Google it!

 

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