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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, January 16, 2010

hold on to hope

Hard to decide what to write lately. I have great admiration for writers, as they find ways to express themselves even when their mental well is very dry. Still cannot believe pat roberstsons remark about the haiti earthquake being a result of a pact with satan. I think pat took his failed presidential bid a bit too hard or he secretly drinks the demon rum. Anyways.

God has been showing me to pay more attention to the small things day by day. He is truly patient and He works and acts according to His good pleasure. Imagine my chagrin to realize my idea pf patience is sooooooooooooo different from His!!!! Doesn't He know certain things need to happen ASAP!!! Holding onto hope also. My heart is now pumping at 50% in the lower chamber, where it had been as low as 15 % when I had my atrial fibrillation. I hope for my heart to sustain me for a long life, but if it doesn't then i place my hope in He who made me. Learning to see fear from a different angle. I have struggled with it most of my life as i have mentioned quite a few times. Either trying to find a way to control it,remove it,repress it,accept it or do something to and with it. The bottomline of fear is pain and a desire to avoid it. Fear causes me to think i will experience some form of pain i don't want. My dads death was a deep painful experience and so death became an object of fear. Even though God had Jesus die and resurrect, proclaiming victory over death, i could not emotionally totally absorb that and rest in it. Somehow,some way, i could mess things up and end up dying in a state where I had failed God by lack of faith and obedience. I have not only been around the block but around the universe with this whole issue lol

Gods love and grace and His absolute grip on me and all His creation forever is settling in deeper than the fear and abandonment/rejection slowly but surely. When i was younger i was able to push these struggles onto the backburner more easily, especially being in Bible College, Seminary and involved in ministry at a Church surrounded by friends. harder to do as time passes and the things used to lean on all get stripped away. Gods love and grace are real and present regardless of my own distorted perceptions, feelings and thoughts. AMEN to THAT!!! :) I just need to learn to tell my mind where to get off when it goes on lil rabbit holes that try to block or hide my realizing Gods presence as always here. I wish was a much faster learner in that way. Holding onto hope, He helps me to do that.


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