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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, January 25, 2010


I'm trying to make sense of my inner craziness once again. I have that ongoing inner dialogue dealing with fear, pain,hurt,love,hope and peace. All these themes intermixed. I have not struggled with believing God exists, for me it has been what will God do. I read Scripture, I pray and also listen to prayers of others, I see God at work in people lives and in the events of daily life all over the world, I can relax and rejoice in Him and His goodness.

But, oh those stinkin buts, lol when I think about myself and how i have had fear, neem worried over my health, over rejection, over bad choices, failures and areas of weakness. I struggle to relax and realize Him and His goodness, because I am thinking/feeling He is looking down in anger, disappointment or disinterest. Why do i have this struggle??? I go crazy inside my skin because i reflect back. I made my repentance and commitment way back at 16. I have sought to follow directions of His ways as He lays out in His Word. Yet, at the same time, I pursued selfish desires or desires that were for pleasure or some kind of distraction.

My nightly prayer for almost 4 years now has been- seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, seek the intimacy with Jesus the apostle Paul speaks of in Philippians, and seek the wound and the blessing as jacob did at peniel. In many ways as i look back at life events since those prayers, i can see God answered them. Not necessarily how I wanted him too but that is a good thing indeed. i am not sure just what exactly i am seeking in ways which adds to the struggle. I do know what i am seeking but at the sametime I want it to be on my terms, which is a root of the whole problem to begin with!!!!

I want to be like Jesus and to love as He loves and love God and my neighbor as myself. I also want to do things my own way and have God let me wander off to do so a lil bit and i will be back to Him first soon enough. Why can't i just be dead to sin and alive to God fulltime 24/7 and not have these other desires??? Do you have this struggle or do you find you are able to be dead to sin and your own desires and fully alive to God and His desires??? i am seeking. All responses welcomed.


At 3:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are human and, as humans we will sin.
It's impossible for us to be dead to sin & alive with Christ 24/7. we WILL sin & we WILL make mistakes.
But our God forgives us when we truly repent!
The Bilble tells us to "press TOWARDS the mark...it doesn't say we're gonna hit it EVERYTIME!

At 5:06 PM, Anonymous mariam said...

"Seek FIRST the kingdom and righteousness and all these things will be provided for you."

I think this verse is often misused by televangelists et al to suggest that God will somehow make the righteous rich and comfortable. But I don't think that is what it is about. In the verse previous Jesus tells us that God understands our needs and worries. So Jesus is letting us know that God does not condemn us for having these fears. Nor does he says we shouldn't take care of ourselves. But He exhorts us to put the Kingdom first. It isn't that if we pray all the time, God is going to cure us of our diseases and drop money down from heaven. It is that as we focus more upon those things in Phil. 4-8, that we will need less and less of the things we think we need and will fear less. It is similar to the Bhuddist notion that suffering is something which we create with our mind and that by transcending ourselves we will no longer experience fear or suffering.

At 5:17 PM, Anonymous mariam said...

I left off a bit. That is that as creatures of earth it is normal for us to be tempted, to be selfish, to sin - we sin every hour of every day if we have more than we need and someone else is hungry. But our God is an understanding kind of guy. He doesn't expect perfection. He only asks that we put the Kingdom first and stumble towards it the best we can.

One way of doing this is through making a little time throughout the day for reading and prayer. I mean just a little prayer - one sentence or so - whenever you think of it. Like a child looking up and grabbing their dad's hand just to be reminded he is still there. Every now and then throughout the day, grab your Father's hand.

Of course the other possibility is that meds can help. My daughter wouldn't be alive without them.

At 5:57 PM, Anonymous mariam said...

And one more thing, Robert (LOL). Think of St. Paul. Here was a Hebrew zealot, all full of judgement and wrath, who went around ordering the death of Christians and he became a prophet of love. Certainly he gave his life over to God's will and forsook comfort. And yet at times he reverts to being judgmental and petty and legalistic. At times he is sick - he travels with a physician. He admits to being weak. And at times he sounds very much like you when he says

"I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway...I have discovered this principle of life--that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong."

That from one of the greatest Christians who ever lived. He sounds like one confused and conflicted guy. If he lived now he would probably be taking meds. So you are in good company, Robert.

At 8:47 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Janice- thank you my old friend!!! i hope you are getting better and better healthwise!!! I know and agree with all you shared, it just gets covered up by so much junk on and off ya know?? Thanks sao much for stopping by!!!

Miriam- wow. You know how to reach down deep in the well dont you?? lol What really hurts under all of what i shared is that i KNOW IT!!! I know but still I have these ongoing struggles, but i guess if i did not feel or care about them and want to grow well then i would not be blogging about hurting to surrender to God would i??? Hmmmm i think you and janice helped answer prayer by your comments miriam my friend. I wish i couod meet your daughter i think it would be a fascinating conversation. If she ever has any inclination to read blogs feel free to show her mine. Maybe i should ask my dr if i might be helped by meds.have to think about it anyway. Keep checking in Miriam please thank you so much for all you share with me


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