Just thought i would write out how the convo happens inside my head often. I suspect a bit of OCD within lol
ok hearts in normal rhythm, going fine, good checkup with cardiologist, all good. Wait, it could go back to afib any second!!!1 Not only that what if it just stops beating!!!! oh won't that hurt??/ what can we do?? *feelings of anxiety sweep through* Relax, pray sing praise songs and hymns, God is here no matter what. What if He stays silent and unavailable?? maybe i have let Him down too many times by being afraid for no reason, for lacking faith and confidence. Oh man what is going on??? Don't let my heart stop don't let me die not yet!!!
Are you trying to control things and play God?? Who do you think you are?? maybe you will die right now because your trying to hold on to your life!! You know God gives us no guarantee for life to continue. You can die at any second!!!! Ok ok no need to be afraid nothing can separate me from the love of God in Jesus Christ our Lord. Focus on that pray give everything to God. breathe deep calm relax ok better all better.
My dad died when he was 30 and he first got cancer wheh he was only 18!!!! How can i have worried and been afraid all my life??/ Why am I 51 and still have so much of the same fears and struggles i did when i was 8?? Why have i not been able to just let it all go and rest in Gods love and grace, in Jesus presence?? What is wrong with me, I beliove i committed my life to Christ at 16 i have sought to live for Him why all this fear and struggle to just believe and live by faith??/ I'm going to give myself a heart attack!!! oh no my heart no no no stay normal!!!!
Just a lil snippet of what has been an ongoing merrygoround since around age 8. Give or take some differences. Is this a dialogue you experience ever??? maybe not about heart trouble or cancer but about death and pain in any way shape or form?? Hope some come by and comment. It is a lil weird to write it out openly this way. Hopefully it will be a healing thing. I praise Jesus and trust Him even in the midst of all this. Thank You that You ARE Love God!