So many things swirling inside. I want to make my posts series about therapy with God, just feel so caught up in my own mess for some reason. The compulsion to be perfect, yet knowing it is impossible. The feeling of failing because of making so many wrong choices which impacted me internally in ways i never realized would linger so long. I have not experienced nearly anything as bad or rough as so much of the world, yet find so many ways to mess myself up. I have spoken adnauseum of my battle with fear on here, but why have i had this battle knowing God in Jesus took the need for fear away??? How can i have have lived and gone through all i have been blessed and privileged to experience in the course of my life and all along deep inside is this shadow of fear???? I just don't get how to completely not fear like Jesus tells the apostles when He is in the boat and a huge storm hits, or when angels appear to people. What the heck!!!! I hate sounding like a broken record, this battle just seems to go on and on even after i seem to have made progress, whatever i determine that to be.
God, Jesus, you know everything inside me, all my motivations and desires. You know i want to love You with all my heart mind soul and strength, and that i also want to do what i want and leave You be certain times and just do whatever i want, no real reason other than something in me wanting my way. I know You kjow best, You are Love. Help me to let that truth be realized in my heart and will as it is in my mind. Thank You i can pour my heart out on here regardless who sees it and know You hear and will provide me Your Presence Show Yourself again and again as needed Holy God. Thank You for Jesus as we prepare to celebrate His coming to earth as one of us.