Cat Stevens is quite an intriguing character. He was one who vocalized the soul of the peace movement in the 60's and 70's, but converted to islam and affirmed certain violent actions when deemed necessary under islamic law. This is not about him though, but his song *moonshadow* is a very moving song and speaks to me in my life right now. The man or woman singing speaks of living life and experiencing the loss of much of their physical attributes, their arms, legs,sight until they are basically left with laying still and being conscious. Rather than become bitter,self-pitying or withdrawn into themselves, the singer accepts the condition and continues on with life as it is.
This is a metaphor for me in how I have dealt with fear and related struggles over the course of time. It is a weird paradox of the mind so much. On one hand I realized the necessity of God to be real and in control of ultimate reality after my dad died, and i also had a need to try and escape the pain and strong feelings experienced by it all at the same time. I knew then in a much more real way than before the reality of death actually happening and felt it about myself. I used to sing a song in the Catholic Church, *sons of God, hear His holy name, gather round the table of the Lord, eat His body drink His blood and we'll sing a song of love allelu allelu alleluiaaaaaaaaaaaa* I found it to be a comforting song and it included aspects of the victory Jesus had over death within it, as well as the reference to communion.
I have had the battle between acceptance and denial all this time, as I am sure each one of us do to some extent. Sometimes, able to come to grips with the fact of death as a reality which can happen anytime. But also wanting to fight against it and try to keep it away from doing what my imagination came up with. Part of the struggle has also been a tendency to distrust my own ability and sought reassurance from others, especially ones in authority, to confirm Gods reality and His love and grace toward me, because of my feeling of unworthiness which stemmed from things beyond any theological understanding.
It is strange to keep reflecting upon a feeling of lack of acceptance for myself and feeling a misfit but then again certain things help me see where it comes from. No matter how well I could come to grips in my mind in a social and outward way, the haunting thoughts held within have always lurked there and writing has been the main way to express them. Hoping now to accept and take on a challenge which I think my fears have been pointing me towards, to embrace ALL reality, no matter how scary and tough or overwhelming it may be, and to accept God calling me to let go of hiding, even from myself and to let Him lead me into a bolder faith journey which will be one where safety is never guaranteed but where His promise and hope of all being worthwhile in the end is held out to fix myself upon.