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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, July 30, 2012

Inner Dialogue

Just thought i would write out how the convo happens inside my head often.  I suspect a bit of OCD within  lol 

 ok  hearts in  normal rhythm, going  fine, good checkup with cardiologist, all good.  Wait, it could go back to afib  any second!!!1  Not only that   what if it just stops beating!!!!   oh  won't that hurt??/ what  can  we do??  *feelings of anxiety sweep through*  Relax, pray sing  praise songs and hymns, God is here no matter what.  What if He stays silent and unavailable??  maybe i have let Him down too many times   by  being afraid  for no reason, for lacking faith and confidence. Oh  man what is going on???  Don't let my heart stop don't let me die not yet!!! 

 Are you trying to control things and play God??  Who do you think you are??  maybe you will die right now  because your trying to hold on to your life!!  You know  God  gives us no guarantee  for  life to  continue. You can die at any second!!!!  Ok ok  no need to  be afraid   nothing can separate me from the love of God in Jesus Christ our Lord. Focus on that   pray give everything to God. breathe deep   calm relax  ok better all better.

My dad died when he was 30 and he  first got cancer wheh he was only 18!!!!  How can i  have worried and been afraid all  my life??/  Why am I 51 and still  have so much  of the same fears and struggles  i did when i was 8??  Why have i not been able to just let it all go and  rest in Gods love and grace, in Jesus presence??  What is wrong with me, I beliove  i committed my life to Christ at 16 i have sought to live for Him   why all this fear  and  struggle to just believe and live by faith??/  I'm going to give myself a heart attack!!!  oh no  my heart     no no no  stay normal!!!!

 Just a lil snippet of what has been  an ongoing  merrygoround since around age 8. Give or take some  differences. Is this a dialogue   you  experience ever??? maybe not about  heart  trouble or cancer but about death and  pain  in any way shape or form??  Hope  some come by and comment. It is a lil weird to  write it out openly this way. Hopefully it will be  a healing thing. I  praise Jesus and trust Him even in the midst of all this. Thank You  that You  ARE Love  God!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

INFJ and Static

INFJ. I have seen a few  around the net posting. Our type is  a puzzle  quite often indeed. Feeling and judgment tend to be the 2 toughest parts of the type to  deal with. Not so much towards others but towards myself. Feelings can be such a double-edged sword. You  want them to just remain forever when they are positive and joyous..... you wish  they would evaporate when they are painful and sad. Same with judgment. Why cant the positive and good just always be???

Static. It messes up my  focus so often. hate static on tv or radio, let alone inside my own mind and body. God is good all the time all the time God is good. This phrase is a genuine reality of who God is and what he is about. Why does doubt and unbelief have to creep in and  cause the static?? I think  the tension between  black/white vs gray  has a lot to do with. Scripture is laid out in absolute terms  so many places. Rejoice always, do not fear,obey,be ye holy, and a host of  others. What about when its gray though and you aren't doing those things?? 

In sunday school we  studied Romans 9 today. The whole notion of election and predestination of course contained within. Like in Job, the wondering of why does God all ow or  cause certain things to happen??  Ultimately  answer  seems to be who are we to question God at all??? Why then allow us to even have the ability to do so?? The static   starts up......lots and lots of people who dont believe, lots and lots who  believe  entirely different things. Are they made to be as they are because ultimately they would choose  anyway???  Can we  choose  doubt and unbelief, at times, then return to faith???  What happens if when we are in an unbelief cycle we die??  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr see why i hate the static??? 

Do many maintain the tension of loving God and Jesus as well as their neighbor and also doubting and struggling with unbelief at the same time??  Do we all struggle with sin and holiness at the same time all the time??  Can we feel  the hope and joy and love of God and also feel terror, pain and fear of Him or loss of him too??  These are what swirl inside me. Hope to hear any responses if you come by and read.

Thursday, July 05, 2012


Life Goes On is a well-worn cliche, as well as a cool tv show in the 80's.  Kellie Martin  made glasses  sexy way before Sarah Palin  lol    I saw a few people commenting  at Rachels blog say they would love to get paid to read and think.  That would be a great way to make money, as long as  it wasn't a paid on commission  salary eh??/  I wonder if Kant, Hegel, Descartes,Kierkegaard and the list could go and on, did they go a lil stir crazy at times???  The Enlightenment wasm't  exactly  beach time reading.

  Why did  God  create us with the capability of self-awareness and reflection??/  I ask this rhetorically because I  know  many reasons why. I struggle with the awareness we all have of our own death. Animals live and have no comprehension some point they will die. Thinking about this, I can wrap my mind around why someone would  be an atheist, because they don't have to worry about death and  what happens after  since   for them  death is the end.

  My heart condition  has let my imagination work overtime in   contemplating  death in all kinds of ways. Will my heart  stop  suddenly from beating too fast, too slow, too poorly, too much stress???  What will it feel like when it happens??  How do i just let go and not get caught up in  morbidity????  Weird to be writing this down when it is such a  source of angst for me over and over. I really envy all the people who  find it easy to just *let go and let God* and   leave all the worry and anxiety with Him.

 Coping. Some days it is easier than others. God  does help  even in the  desert times.