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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Death to Life

Death has been a  primary subject on this blog for me once i began it back in 2005. Death has been a life theme  for almost all of my life, even before i became consciously aware. My dad  had cancer discovered when he was in the army  at 18. He actually met my mom  as she was his nurse- talk about a made for tv movie there!!!  He had  various operations  on and off to remove the cancer as it spread  different places in his body. he and my mom chose not to tell me or my  younger sister of the cancer or  his possibility of dying. I am sure an undercurrent of fear and  tension  pulsed beneath the surface, although life as i recall  was fairly normal and  regular middle-class american. I just share this as a backdrop as death has been in the forefront for me lately, as i have  seen friends die of heart disease or  run across it  almost everywhere i look.

 I don't know whats harder, having a fear or  having an awareness olf having a fear in spite of  knowing/believing deep down  the fear should  not  be there. Crazy eh??  I came out of the womb a sensitive soul i think, my inclination being one  that lent itself to  worry,fear and anxiety. Tjios showed  itself as life carried on in  natural responses i had to  things that occurred. My sister was the fearless one, i held back and was reluctant  to seek  adventure and  the unknown. I even showed this tendency with food. Until i was 18 i never  hardly ate mexican or chinese food. I stayed  basically with meat and potatoes   with italian as exception because i had an italian uncle and  anytime we ate  dinner there  pasta was the  main dish.

 I write this as a way to express the inner thoughts  going on and get them out on computer. Fear of death grips me at times  and  just squeezes  likme a tourniquet, thoughts of my heart stopping  flashing  inside my mind  making  ripples of anxiety flow  along. I have had these battles a long time and   really  find it hard  what to do. I tend to be stil land wait them out. I do not want the embarrassment of  displaying my  struggle  outwardly, especially when  they usually  pas on and  amount to nothing  but my own  imagination. What if  it was real though??  That is  a thought that plagues me often. 

  The reason again death has been so prevalent in my mind is  realizing  Jesus calls us to die. Die to sin of course but die nonetheless. Crucified with Christ as paul states it. The more i pray to have this as my reality i practice, the more death looms in my mind. I hope God understands my fragileness with this, even now at 51. My inner critic who has always been there  bashing me for  my lack of , whatever it is i lack, never seems to go away. Love and grace, toward myself,  are like a mirage that Ai  long for but end up realizing  are not really  there. As the king in King and i said, is a puzzlement. Rationally and  theologically i know better. Emotionally and  experientially, still  have the fear and panic inside of lacking, failing,unable to be and do what is required. I know others struggle as well, even others who  have been believers a long time. Just gets so wearisome at times. So, i write it out and pray with hope and faith, small as it may be, ican live another day and  somehow grow and be used beyond my ability to even understand. Because He lives, so can I.

Friday, August 10, 2012


Onions have layers. Life has levels. I think Maslows hierarchy of needs does a pretty fair job providing the wide range, but of course there are various smaller levels within the major levels. O the joy and pain of consciousness and awareness!!!!  I get caught up trying to juggle all the levels simultaneously     no wonder Solomon wrote Ecclesiastes!!!! Lol. Each one of us has a genuine uniqueness God chose as part of His infinite creativity. No snowflak is like any other. How much more then can that be true of us, who are created in God's Image???  

My thoughts bounce around like bumper cars at times, other times just slog like a snail or turtle. God is Almighty and Good, He is Love. What about all the instances which  seem to diametrically oppose this truth??/  Well, free will so that we are not robtos has alot ot with it. Lots of evil and suffering  occur  as a direct result of human action. Minds that seek to harm and manipulate. Selfishness trumping selflessness. As the song goes, what the world needs now is love sweet love, it's the only thing that there's just too little of.

 As i write that last paragraph, I can only  contemplate in wonderment at my levels and how i struggle between what my mind knows and desires and what i experience. God is Love, but He allows soooooooooooo much pain!!!!  He  seems absent even at the most  crucial of times. Deth lurks in the shadows, and  it can happen any second. We tend to block this out as we  live  moment by moment but then you  hear about or see the  massacre in war. The genocide in Africa.,lives destroyed by drugs,sickness,mental illness and more.I have read tons and tons of books on apologetics, purpose behind it all. Still, emotionally the questions and existential angst remain. Plus, there are  many  intelligent, mature and basically strong people who believe God  is like Santa Claus   an imaginary being. How????

  Again, just writing  from some of the tensions within my head. I wish i had more  self-control  over my thoughts and emotions. I can  wallow in the worst   *what-ifs* and  a lil later be  serene and  feel  no worries whatsoever. Constant swings  back and forth  not even sure why. The amazing thing is........ God remains the same even when my ability to fathom Him is somehow muddled. Yay that He IS God!!!!