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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, March 25, 2012


Introverts really do have as much energy going on as extroverts, ours just happens to be aimed inward lol I wish often i could let go of my muddled mind at times it just refuses to shut off. So many trains of thought running in so many directions as well as lil bits of fluff that have no bearing on anything really.

Meaningful or meaningless. Which one do you choose??? If there is no God everything becomes meaningless-or does it?? Atheists I have talked to would say meaning is made by what you do with the one life you have been given. Ok. Existentially i can go with that. Who gave us the one life though??? Who or what dictates its worth and the actions which make it worth living?? Why did human life become so, dare I say it, *evolved* and yet still so aimless and directionless by so many??? Atheists reject a god whom they believe is arbitrary and cruel,unfair and unjust. Heck i think almost anyone would also reject such a god. Trouble is those who proclaim to believe in and follow the One True God, have often left a sorry trail of failure and foolishness behind them.

I wish I was a better writer. i love words. Always have. I had an 11th gradle comprehension level when i was in 3rd grade. Don't ask about math!!!! Lol. So many ideas flow around ,especially after reading other blogs or online articles as well as books. So cool so many people are very good at writing and articulating their thinking!!!

Was there a literal-historical tree of knowledge of good and evil?? Why has God left such ambiguity regarding knowing Him and yet exerts such an overwhelming burden upon us who are but dust to fulfill expectations of eternal consequences??? One of the resons I am a *hopeful universalist* is because we humans are so fragile and God has to fully understand this. After all He made us!!!! Well, ok,atheistic naturalists would beg to differ. Darn that big bang and all the atomic particles in it!!! :D That's all for now.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Life is sure a wild crazy ride so often. Amazing how I can be so wrapped up in certain personal issues within my own head and someone comes along with something and POW I am struck with ferocity at how love reveals itself in very interesting ways. Rachel Held Evans wrote a post today, giving a private peek at her life behind the scenes as she handles being in the whirlwind of writing,speaking,and traveling to so many places and events. I am sure many will share about how Rachels post impacted them on their blog, FB or somewhere. I just wanted to take a lil time to share that I was incredibly uplifted by Rachels post. I started to cry as i read it, because Rachel did NOT h9ld back!!!! She came out and shared herself in a way people in her position as one who is looked up to and placed in a spotlight just because she has gifts which enable her to reach wide audiences, people in her position often just don't reveal their full selves. I can understand why. I am so grateful to Rachel for her courage and humility in doing so though.

My heart feels like a timebomb lately. Anytime i hear of someone having a heart attack, i wince a lil fearing my turn is next. I have somehow managed since 2005 and my discovery i had congestive heart failure to not wallow in fear and anxiety of it giving out. Daily now I feel a haunting sense of it being weak getting weaker and then stopping. It sucks. it has been a very interesting journey considering i have struggled with fear of death since i was 8. I had an angiiplasty and a stent put in in 2005. I have had my heart shocked 3 times back to normal rhythm. My fear level has gone up and down. I have always been one with functional fear thankfully. Worst times are when i get so overwhlemed by my heart possiblky stopping i freeze up and just sit still like a statue. Then, it passes. I wish i could say i am just like Job and praise God nonstop even though He slay me. I do pray to have that attitude everynight though.

Thank you Rachel-for giving hope just by your genuineness. One day i hope to meet you and give you a giant hug!!!

Sunday, March 04, 2012


Very powerful word loaded with symbolsim and emotional punch!!! America was created based on a desire for freedom, although it cost untold lives. Freedom is fought for, killed for,debated for and endless other things done in its name. Funny how when the Israelites got freedom from Egypt and saw amazing miracles done by God as they became free, they soon yearned and cried to go back to Egypt and again give up freedom to be slaves. Freedom was hard, scary, they didnt know how to handle it. Do we today know and handle it better??

Just saw ricky gervais on piers morgan interview. He is an atheist but said he would fight for anyone of any religious belief to have their freedom to believe. Very cool position i thought. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. So says Paul in 2 Corinthians chapter 4 I believe. Will have to think more on this. Thoughts on freedom??