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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, June 28, 2007

heart issues again

y body is really weird in that it doesn't give the normal responses to things that go wrong. I have had a lot of shortness of breath for close to a month and swelling of fluids in my lungs and lwgs and ankles no chest pain at all though. I got a stabbing pain in my tummy on monday at work though and so left work to go get checked at a dr well I shortly found myself in an ambulance enroute to a hospital due to gongestive heart failure. I had never been in an ambulance before it was just a normal ride no flashing red light or siren. I had an echocardiogram done and it was revealed that the pump part of my heart was malfunctioning and caused the fluid buildup and shortness of breath. God is very patient in that He kept my heart from stopping even after i let it go for almost a month before checking on it sheesh why does pain have to be what causes me to act????

I have had some meds increased and truly need a strict diet and exercise now to keep my heart improving and staying steady. Please pray God will help me to accept this as reality for the rest of my stay on this earth and to make it become a habit. I really felt good while staying in the hospital God helped me improve steadily and kept my spirits up especially considering i was facing a severe issue and you me and death lol Appreciate al;l prayers and well wishes!!!! God bless you all good!!

Thursday, June 21, 2007


God is complex. A pretty safe assessment right??? Jesus did say we were to come to HIm and the Father as little children though small kids don't do complex now do they??? Mystery and intrigue seem to pop out at me more and more as I read various blogs,books and articles on spirituality and seeking God. I am struck by the mixed messages that the Church often gives as well as far as following Jesus. A common practice which occurs at many churches is to have an *invitation to accept Jesus* also known as an altar call. The pastor will pray and tell those who want to invite Christ into their hearts as Lord & Savior to do by raising their hand thus the often lampooned * I see that hand* Now let me say that I am all for directing people to seek to come to Christ absolutely but all too often what happens is those people are told by the pastor as he prays that Jesus has come into their heart and they have been *saved* NO followup and discipling occurs they leave the service having made the most important decision of their life and for all they know that is all they needed to do!!!!! Small wonder we find so many on the scrapheap of abandoned faith because the reality of life did not match to what that simple raising of their hand was supposed to have accomplished.

What is Gods part?? What is my part??? How can i choose if i am so *totally depraved* that i have no ability to make any true choice regarding God because of my lost condition. Why is it that so many of those who would consider themselves to be *elect* say they cannot kjow for certain until after they die and discover themselves in Gods presence. Yet they find no qualms in assessing the *non-elect* status of those who stray from their theological stance. I see so much disparity written by believers concerning Gods holiness,righteousness,justice and judgment on one hand and His love,grace,mercy and forgiveness on the other. Why does it seem that they are on opposite ends of a pendulum??? Why do so many people seem unbalanced with all these one way or the other???? Either way to rules-oriented or way to freedom-oriented???? Scripture clearly says *while we were yet sinners Christ died for us* Hmmmmmm so where does that leave those who for some reason are just not wanted by God and because of no other reason than He can God chooses that they NOT be saved because He is the Maker and they are the clay and well clay cant have any say about what happens to them so..... hope the sarcasm and dacetiousness is self-evident here.

God allowed and even decreed His Son who also shares His divinity to die for all of us sinners all of us whom He created i see no place in His Word where He tries to make us hopeless helpless and cut off from His *good news* in His Son as Jesus Himself said *I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance* I think any who seek to be smug in their status with AGod and cast doubt on others in their relationship with God need to read that verse and let it sink in. Ok there goes a rant that has been built-up over time Grace to all peace and love as well!!!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


Such a strong word denotes such underlying power and resilence just seemed to be a word i want to focus on right now. I let my own thoughts swirl and spin and do myself in on a regular basis. So weird how my memory can become so stilted especially when negative and accusatory thoughts take over and permeate throughout the chambers of my mind. i was telling barbara/layla when we were chatting one night i wish i could freeze myself in time when I am serenely enjoying God and His goodness and free of the cold pricklies so I can have refuge from the pain and ache of all the junk that surfaces all to much. As i type this though a thought strikes me that all that junk is used by God to remind me as well as any of us with our own junk how amazing God is and how incredible He brings all things together to work for His good even some absolutely evil things He can make His good be shone somewhere someway!!!

Something i have been marinating in my brain lately is how to let myself off the hook. i really am amazed by as well as honestly jealous and envious of those fortunate souls who seem to have a genuine realization of Gods grace deep within and do NOT spend endless hours torturing themselves internally over their sins failures and mistakes. I am king of the secondguessers and do so endlessly always to no avail just as worry isn't. No matter what i go through i always come back to God as He reveals Himself in the Bible His Word. Always come back to Jesus. I don't know why I stray so often just as i don't know why the Isaelites did. God is so good why do I seem to lose track of that on a regular basis when i get in various *funks*????/ Isn't that the million dollar question??? LOL

I have some major financial woes right now. i have never been good with managing money i have made some major bad choices in how i spent my money over the years. I made the mistake of letting a credit card bill go without paying and just thought they would write it off. No such luck have to go before a judge and handle it now Hopefully i will be able to make affordable payments. i think the stress is affecting my health as well have had lots of shortness of breath lately not good cant afford to pay for my meds all the time either. i hope this isnt too much info shared about a personal area of struggle I just appreciate any and all prayers and hope i can learn to be a better steward as a result of all this. Thank you all who stop by and all who comment!!!!

Friday, June 15, 2007

running in place

Been awhile since my last post. I guess those natural ebb and flows happen where what to write just doesnt flow. I had a tough day today i just had a very genuine impression that life is so fragile and i could be gone instantly like the blades of grass here one second gone the next. I dont want to go meet God in a state of unpreparedness yet it seems i am that way so often. I dont understand how or why i am in the place im in. When I first began following Christ things seemed so matter of fact and pretty simple to comprehend. I had my issues that I struggled with as we all do but was able to deal with them in some way and pretty much carry on as life called me to. I began wanting to seek after Him with my whole being. I used to have regular time of personal Bible study and prayer and o yes they afre the oxygen and fuel of our spirits so true indeed. Somehow slowly and gradually i got away from the disciplines of personal bible study and prayer i know at times shame over sin was the root but laziness took its toll as well and then just the busyness and commotion of life. Now i find myself experiencing serious health issues which cause me to have to face my fears about death in real serious ways.

I had an atheist guy who used to work with me at my job. He emails me from time to time and usually rips me apart for being a conservative republican as well as a bad christian. I tried to be a good witness to him but i know i failled many times. He would make personal attacks against me over things that were sensitive to me like my apperance and weight. I did not give him the best witness because i let my frustations get the better of me and often i would just ignore him or get in an argument though i sought to rectify things after everytime . Why is the gap between what I see Jesus and the Father calling me to and challenging me to reach for so vastly different from the actual reality of life as im living it??? I dont purposely seek to be riddled with fear or caught inside my own mind and accusations of guilt and shame which are like 2 swords jabbingat me from all sides on a nonstop basis. i can see and apply His grace love forgiveness and hope so well in encouraging others but can never seem to do the same for myself. I hope this isnt sounding like a broken record it just is reflecting where i am at internally right now. Wanting to grow and achieve what i see His Word telling to be and finding myself mired in the quicksand unable to find my way to get to that place. Are some of you in the same boat??? Do you experience a shock to your system over seeing where you want to be and then also where you really are???? i hope many of you will stop by and comment My page has been very lonely last 2 months comments are always a very good medicine!!! Hope to hear from any who so choose to share!!!!

Friday, June 01, 2007


Ever played that game??? It is kinda fun and very hard on the body if you are not quite so nimble and flexible anymore lol. Left hand blue right foot green trying to avoid others who have to plant their hands and feet on colored spots too. I find myself feeling like Im in a game of twister alot lately. I have posted on the 2 elements force and choice a few times I still am very intrigued at their interplay in life. Theologically of course force is predestination and choice is freewill. Does Gods love and His grace and mercy as well as His kindness evoke a response in us leading to repentance and salvation??? Does the Holy Spirit forcibly seize us and bring us to salvation by His working upon our hearts?/ Round and round the exploring goes.

Can spiritual fruit exist alongside falling and messing up??? I sure hope so and if we are all honest i would think every person would have to say they both sin and grow on a day to day basis. A large part of me struggles with black/white thinking trying to say certain sins should not be a struggle at all but when they are and Im still seeking to pursue God and a closer walk with Jesus what do i do???? My whole inner being is in uproar attimes because of my whole issue of fearing death. God is ultimately in control of when we die He is the lifegiver and thus also the lifetaker. I want to have Jobs attitude and Pauls attitude as i have said before yet I still struggle over and over with just recoiling in fear and wishing it would just never happen. I have heart problems as well as diabetes and have had kidney problems which male me even more aware of my mortality so often. I look at the lil kids with life-threatening ilnesses among others who face them and seem to have a calmness and peace that only God can give. I wonder about their inner conditions Do they ever have painful bouts of fear and worry??? Do they at times question God and if He is there or will He come and comfort them??? Do they just somehow experience a faith that enables them to have His peace at a deep level whicj impacts their life on a constant basis???? Why have i been unable to let go of the fear and just let His peace reside in me and guide my inner responses??? I have had pockets of that happening like when i had my angioplasty it seems like when something real happens God enables His peace to be there as opposed to when i let my imagination run wild and let fears of what might happen or could happen fill my thoughts.

I have a deely immature side to me i realize more and more. For a long long time i always sought to act beyond my years in maturity. To be above some of the stuff that normally is handled as a teen or young adult. I buried stuff inside and sought to be an aspiring *minister8 and live life as one who aspires to that ideal would. I find so much rebellious attitudes in me now and i dont want itthere!!!! i should have this over and done with long ago I know God is good all the time all the time God is good but a part of me wants to do my own thing and rebel for seemingly no reason than just wanting to. it makes no sense and when I am turning to Him in prayer or meditatiuon or just wanting Him i just want to be held in His arms and be able to pour out how i love Him and want to love Him but i have blockage much like a sink whiched needs rotorooter i need my spiritual pipes unblocked!!!!

Sharing on here is very helpful. For me it is often a more conducive way of expressing myself deeply in a personal way because of my shyness and intoverted nature that makes it hard to do so without getting nervous shaky and blushing f2f. Praise God for having blogging in existence and for all you wonderful people who are out there sharing!!!