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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Rumbling Stumbling Bumbling

I am a huge sports fan, love ESPN and Chris Bermans catchphrase i used as my post title. I find it quite apropos for how life gets lived, at least in my case. The cliche, *a friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway* certainly applies to God and Jesus, only on a much grander scale. No friend knows everything about you, not humanly possible. God and Jesus know ALL!!!! How many wondered about good ole St Nick when hearing that lyric, *he sees you when your sleeping, he knows when your awake, he knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake!* Kinda makes you wanna put a blindfold on jolly santa doesn't it??? LOL

My struggle with fear has had so many dimensions to it. Part of me has felt like fear has been a punishment which will not leave me because i did not deal with it properly when i was young. Part of me thinks its a test to see how much faith and obedience i have and will I be like Job whatever may come my way. It is a very weird paradox because the times when fear attacks and has me in its grip, ot feels like the most terrifying thing, just the feeling of dread and the thoughts of what possibly could happen. My imagination has actually caused more fear than genuine events themselves. When i had pneumonia, a kidney stone, a stent put in a coronary artery and a cardioversion to jumpstart my heart back to normal rhythm, i handled all pretty well and just sought to give it all to God. When my mind roams free to imagine who knows what, all hell breaks loose fear-wise, just a good word picture to describe how it feels inside.

Reconciling the fact i still fear with accepting God not only knows but embraces me and loves me with no reservation and no impatient silent consternation wanting me to get over it and be 100% filled with faith and obedience. I need to lighten up here lol. When i take a pause and look at my own attempts to perfect myself in some idea/image i have inside of what that look/feels like, I can see i am operating from a more OT law style mindset, as opposed to NT grace one. God disciplines always out of love, i need this reality to fill me to overflowing anytime my obessive/compulsive struggle with fear rears its head. Hope to hear from any on your thoughts about it all.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I can't imagine what Adam would have done had God never created Eve. Don't you get a lil loopy after lengthy periods of time where all you have for company is you and your own mind??? No wonder schizophrenics hear lots of voices- they want company!!! lol Ok well maybe why so many create invisible friends anyhow if they are lonely.

I wonder how we develop the thought patterns and world-views that we do??? Determinism vs freewill plays out in so many aspects of life doesn't it??? We really do have a tension between the 2 no matter what side of the scale we are on I think, if we are brutally honest with ourselves. Brennan Manning does a maginificent job of depicting our true condition, whether we are believers or not. We are a myriad of paradoxes and question marks. How often have you had a fantastic mountaintop experience you wanted to have last forever but you act in a way that bring you deep down in the valley???

Just what does it mean to be fully human and a totally committed Christ-follower??? Always hear the remarks about *walking the talk* and *being a real christian not a carnal one* Do we not all fail so many times everyday to live out what the bar is set at as far as perfect christian behavior and attitude??? How close do we actually come to loving God with our entire being and loving all our neighbors as ourselves??? Doesn't God have absolute understanding about our all too fragile condition??? I mean after all, David who was the *man after Gods own heart* was an adulterer and a murderer!!! Just thinking about the vastness of His grace, must be a good reason why it is amazing grace!!!!

Share any of your thoughts please :)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Jason Boyett, author of a book on doubt called, *O Me of Little Faith*, had a great post on his blog recently dealing with the question of honesty and is it really what we want??? I encourage everyone to go to his site and read his post, it is genuinely thought-provoking. For me, the thought had me wondering about my sharing on here and responses i get or may get. You can only present just so much of yourself on a blog. It simply has many limitations due to its very nature. You share what you choose to share, editing and censoring as you go,leaving things out and failing to take into account various nuances which comprise the whole of your being. Sorry folks but no one can get across the entirety of their being on a blog- just can't happen.

I have shared some very personal,painful,embarrassing,uncomfortable things on here about me and my life. I have done so for a multiple amount of reasons. Finding this a place where i can seek to share in a way i have no other place to do so. A way to reach out to likeminded people. A way to reach out to totally different people and gain fresh perspectives. Possibly family and friends may have or will read this and come away with a different idea of me, one which may not be as positive as they had held. I think all those risks are worth it. I know God has used not only my writing here, but so many people and their comments as well as other blogs to touch me and bring about transformation. i am not the same person i was in 2005 when i began this, thank You God, lol. Sometimes its very hard to see my own growth and worth because i focus so harshly on my weaknesses and failures. I wish i could personally hug and thank all the people who have left an imprint on me by their words, even if it was just once.

So, how do you feel about risking??? Worth it?? Do you feel the tug of sharing too much too openly or holding back and not sharing enough??? Love to hear from any and all!!!

Friday, July 09, 2010

Peace & Love

Seems like the wind is swirling around here there and everywhere lately. So many topics being covered in so many varying ways. Willingness to question presuppositions and beliefs that could bring about unexpected change for those taking on the journey.

Just how does God want us to know Him ?? What does it really mean that God is love??? Jesus is the Rock, He is the True Word of God, and the Bible is a revelation which directs us to Him,but are there ways we turn the Bible into an idol and by doing so actually mask over Jesus as He truly intends for us to know Him??? What are the complete ramifications of the Bible being written by fallible humans, even as they were inspired by the Holy Spirit??? Did God actually use their propensity for error and mistakes of judgment and character to comunicate all He wanted us to know with those very flaws included??? How do we know God is supportive of the canon as we have it?? These are questions i have seen being reexamined with fresh eyes across the blogosphere.

My battle with fear has been experienced by me as a barrier to fully realizing the power of Gods love & peace. Somehow I have had distortions from different things inside myself that link my performance to receiving Gods love & peace, even though I rationally know better. As a friend commented, i may have a form of OCD which has taken a toll on my thought processes and trying to embrace Gods total love of and for me,regardless of my maturity and ability to perform as He calls for. Actually realizing that I fail Him and being ok with that may be key to freedom in getting to a place where fear has no power and I can live in the security of His love and peace. Not comfort or safety, because life is filled with pain,suffering and unknown happenings. But security, knowing fully as it says in His Word--- nothing can separate me from Gods love which is found in Jesus Christ!!!

Thursday, July 01, 2010


In reading through the Bible, there are so many times of hardship,struggle and obstacles to overcome. The Apostle Paul himself laid out a very long list of troubles he faced on a daily basis. Why is it then I look for some kind of magical miraculous easy time of it for myself??? There is this idea in my head of a certain standard to be met and I dont know how to articulate it or visualize it in a direct way. I think I have let my whole obsession with fear just overshadow certain overall aspects of life on the whole. I saw a commentary where they said that when angels or Jesus told people to not be afraid or to have no fear, it was more like a *hey chill out relax its ok* kind of statement as opposed to a stonefaced solemn DONT BE AFRAID FOOL type attitude.

I am my own worst enemy by far and it seems regardless how much i read,hear,listen to or whatever else of how to realize this and get past it, it still lingers and hovers like a dark cloud that just won't leave. God definitely gives me moments of clarity and insight which i grasp tightly. There are so many times of where i seem to be spinning round and round not knowing how to stop as far as realizing Him and resting in His love & grace. I definitely know i am not alone in this. I had a wonderful friend I have been co-journeying with on here since 2005 comment how obedience just makes her grind her teeth lately, although she wants to do it with all her being. I feel this with obedience & trust so much. I want to do it as naturally as breathing without even thinking, but so much *junk* gets in the way. My own doubts,questions,fears,wonderings, and whatever else you want to call it just rise up over and over. Does abiding in Jesus allow for all this angst and seeming humanness in it?? Just what did Jesus mean by telling His disciples to abide in Him??? I think there are many interpretations of this as there are of just about everything else He said and did.

Hope to hear how pursuing Him iks going for anyone who cares to share.