.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, January 30, 2012


God definitely is uncensored, why would He not want us to be?? So many things swirling around inside. Wish I had the time and ability to lay them all out cohesively and concisely. Faith and Reason still going at it, just like in the Enlightenment days.

Why do so many think a literal 6 day Creation has to be or else the Bible loses credibility??? What is the true nature of how the ancient peoples in that time understood Genesis and the rest of the Pentateuch??? How do we get ourselves to be able to see through the prism that they did and not our own presuppositions???

When did death begin??? How do we understand the *spiritual death* of Adam & Eve as being separated from God and lost in sin??? Why does the entire OT not discuss hell as it has traditionally been understood over the ages??? Sheol does not mean hell. Why did Paul make no mention of it when it is the one thing we are to most seek to avoid and escape???

Why would God whose self-definition is Love, who left His position as God to become a human, and not just any human but the lowest level one- a slave, allow most of His creation to be eternally separated from Him forever??? Sin is defined as missing the mark of Gods perfect holiness. Hmmm how could ANY human EVER achieve such a thing??? Would that not make us equal to God???

Why does chaos happen as it does??? Some lioves perish before even leaving the womb. Some die by natural disaster because they were in the wrong plave at the wrong time. Some die lingering, tortuous deaths of sheer agony. Why????

Just going to lay out stuff for awhile. Hopefully some may stop by and take a peek.

Monday, January 23, 2012


Ever feel like a pinball??? Life just bounces you here there and everywhere and when you get past the flippers you just get sprung back into the game all over again??? Seemed like a good analogy to me lately. The internet has truly been a smorgasbord for sharing all kinds of things amongst everyone. Communication is a very powerful thing and of course can be done for good or evil.

Navigating God and His Will has been a pinball-like journey mostly. Even more so last several years as broader discussion has been taking place from so many angles and perspectives. The quandary my soul has been in lately, and i say soul because it involves all of me not just my mind, is coming to grips with absolutist paradigm versus subjective/relative one. I am a hopeful universalist, hoping that we all end up together forever with God in whatever way He sees fit for it to be. But the pinball spins and bounces and careens all over as those voices which declare such a hope to be anathema to the Bible, to Jesus and Gof the Father just shout over and over. There is one correct interpretation of Scripture and the Holy Spirit makes sure all true believers know it. True believers who have been born again will experience the unlimited joy and fullness of the Holy Spirit and Jesus Presence in such a way their lives will be nonstop testimonies of their faith and obedience to Him.

Problem is.....what if you believe and DON'T experience all that as espoused??? I ask this in a contemplative way. I see both sides played out across the net, in books, articles, sermons you name it. How do you deal with questioning when the very act of questioning itself is made to feel like a sinful act of rebellion itself???? How to avoid the serpents tempting words??? *surely God hath not said* God respected Jobs questioning Him and seeking answers didn't He?? Still need to think through more on all this. Please share if anything rings true at all for you.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Fully Alive

Rachel Held Evans has several links on her sunday superlatives post at her place. One in particular was especially moving to me, Anne Jacksons farewell post. Hopefully you have discovered Anne and her writing at some point in time. Lets just say the girl got talent lol I found her a few years back and she really touched me because i was fairly new to blogging and mustered up the courage to write about my struggles with sex/love addiction, so had she. I emailed her as well as commented on her blog. She was truly kind and compassionate in responding. i loved her wit and wisdom in how she shared her life and challenges.

Anne has faced a year of turmoil in her own words. But she leaves with joy, hope and freedom as resounding themes within. Alive was her final word. She was ALIVE!!! I just really am moved by her words and her story. I sure hope we all hear from her in different ways as life goes on. I dont know if she will ever read this but THANK YOU ANNE!!!



Quite a year. Moonlanding, Amazin Mets won the World Series. For me though, tragic- my dad passed away in august from malignant melanoma. I said the year because it stands as a symbol for me of so many things. Life, mystery,loss,pain,grief,hope,fun,change. All these things represented by one year. Incredible how that can be so.

I came across a blog today that has just blown me away at her candidness and humor in talking aboutr 2 topics that are like dueling shadows in my lefe- fear and death. Oh Em GEE!!!! Her name is Torre and shes in Australia my dream place i have always wanted to go too!!!! Torre puts into words and story so much of what I think and feel and attempt to say in my dubious renderings lol. www.fearfuladventurer.com I know i will now be a frequent reader of hers :)

Fear and death became endlessly entertwined for me inwardly in 1969. I dont think a day has gone by since my mom told my sister and I that our dad had died without those 2 lurking around in my consciousness. When will it happen to me??? How??? Why?? Any way to stop it, escape it or avoid it??? Death happens to all of us, accept it and live life. Welll yes but....... For me, the reality of it happening overshadowed being able to accept it. Plus, knowing I should accept and move on but was not doing so, just made it doubly bad!!!!

Torre has quotes from different people, mainly I think people who sail and face fear and death on the open sea. They share their coping techniques. Very cool to read. It is a huge help to discover someone who talks about these things in this way!!!!! The awesome thing about Torre is she takes risks ANYWAY!!! Having the fear there the wh9le time!!!! She makes a wonderful point about expanding your comfort zone lil by lil day by day and week by week. Superb insight and advice indeed.

My *inner voice* seems to delight in making me feel shame.guilt,embarrasment and despair over having my fears and over lost opportunities over time because of them. Well, I cant tell my *inner voice* to take a hike and realize it is NOT Gods voice!!!!!! Linking the 2 has been like quicksand, slowly surely pulling me down, despite trying to find all kinds of ways to break free!!!! God spoke to me through Torres words He didnt audibly whisper in my ear YOUR Ok and He most likely never will speak that way!!!!! I just am processing all I read on Torres blog and how God is helping me with it too. Fear can be like a nagging habit, just wont seem to go away even when it has been discarded. Key is the negative power of it can be disarmed!!! Praise GOD!!!!! Here is to 2012 being a letting go of 1969 and breaking free from fear and death as shadows that haunt. I will seek to wave and wink at them best i can hopefully!!!