.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Let God

So many things swirling inside. I want to make my posts series about therapy with God, just feel so caught up in my own mess for some reason. The compulsion to be perfect, yet knowing it is impossible. The feeling of failing because of making so many wrong choices which impacted me internally in ways i never realized would linger so long. I have not experienced nearly anything as bad or rough as so much of the world, yet find so many ways to mess myself up. I have spoken adnauseum of my battle with fear on here, but why have i had this battle knowing God in Jesus took the need for fear away??? How can i have have lived and gone through all i have been blessed and privileged to experience in the course of my life and all along deep inside is this shadow of fear???? I just don't get how to completely not fear like Jesus tells the apostles when He is in the boat and a huge storm hits, or when angels appear to people. What the heck!!!! I hate sounding like a broken record, this battle just seems to go on and on even after i seem to have made progress, whatever i determine that to be.

God, Jesus, you know everything inside me, all my motivations and desires. You know i want to love You with all my heart mind soul and strength, and that i also want to do what i want and leave You be certain times and just do whatever i want, no real reason other than something in me wanting my way. I know You kjow best, You are Love. Help me to let that truth be realized in my heart and will as it is in my mind. Thank You i can pour my heart out on here regardless who sees it and know You hear and will provide me Your Presence Show Yourself again and again as needed Holy God. Thank You for Jesus as we prepare to celebrate His coming to earth as one of us.

Friday, December 18, 2009

In Session- Therapy with God

I got this idea from seeing a book that talked about having angry conversations with God, susan isaacs i think was the author?? Sounded very enlivening so I thought, why not. A small caveat- any thing said in these writings may or may not be a real event or occurrence and all is a mishmash of what lies within the parameters of my medulla oblongata.

*Walks into office, first session occurring* Oh, I shall refer to God as He for brevitys sake and again, it is a mix of fiction,nonfiction,literal,hyperbole what have you. On with the show*

Wow, quite a ordianry place here, although the black leather couch is nice. A fishtank too. Must be for the calming effect. I don't know how i would decorate my office if i ever became a counselor.

He- I do like fish.even have a lil hermit crab in there if you look close enough. Hope you find the couch comfy enough.

Me- oh i can handle anything, folding chair,metal chair,ottoman. Anyway, so why did i come here??? *Waits, tapping fingers on arm of couch, making lil jeopardy theme music sounds*

He- Trying to play the *He already knows all the answers so of course He knows why I came here*card??? Ah now you should know better by now, how many Bible College discussions, as well as Seminary did you have about that one??? Just because I know doesn't mean I will reveal anything to you. You doid read some Francis Schaeffer didn't you??? He is there and He is not silent??? Hmmmm, well maybe.....

Me- Sounds of Silence, one of my favorite Simon and Garfunkel songs. They were visionaries you know??? Wish there were more of them around.

He- the Beatles were the best. But shhhhhhhhhh you didn't hear that from Me. *small chuckle*

Me- I have much love for the Beatles, always was a Paul guy, though John was an icon. How did we get off on talking about the Beatles??? I thought i came here for serious spiritual talk. *makes a frown*

He- well who says we haven't talked about serious spiritual stuff??? Just why does it have to be put in a specific box anyway??? Oh i see time is up. More next time. Listen to a lil Carly Simon on the way home, I hear *your so vain* was written about warren beatty!!! hahah bet shirley maclaine gave him a hard time over that one!!!

Me- You are a character. I think i get it a lil more why Your ways are not our ways and such. Anyway, next time. * Exits office*

I am just free-associating here. Sometimes it may seem a bunch of silly fluff, other times it may go towards the deep end. It is something that is a helpful thing for me to express through right now, hopefully any of you who stop by and peek a lil will leave a comment and let me know what you think. This is NOT an attempt to be theologically perfect,it is just a creative way to communicate relating to God. Merry Merry everyone!!!

Monday, December 14, 2009

A Priori

Nothing Prior I have always had an affinity for latin words, they just sound so mensalike whatever that is lol Putting A beforeanything changes its pronunciation and its meaning. A+ theist = atheist-no belief in theism. A+millennial= no belief in a millennium. So many examples, and of course the A doesn't always mean no or none, just a lot of the time. Just how far do we go in life where we can lay claim to having an a priori understanding of anything??? One year??? Seems like babies are getting pushed to mature developmentally faster and faster every year.

I have just been wondering about this a lil bit after perusing around the net and seeing so many sides to certain things, which is the beauty of freedom of speech amen??? Just made me wonder what the prior events were which helped form and shape the attitudes and views of each person??? The notions of force and choice reverberated inside my brain once again.

God is love. He uses that as a Self-defining term of His own revelation of Himself to us. Love connotes certain attitudes and actions as belonging to its nature. Calvinism and arminianism have been at odds over the eons over the issues of force and choice, or determinism and freewill. Does God want us to be robots with choice??? Does He make some of us in a certain way only He knows the outcome too and yet lets it appear as though the outcome has not already been determined a priori??? I mean, it is possible because He is God and of course as God He has every right to do as He wishes with His creation, no questions asked, no explanation needed. What kind of feeling does that leve in you though??? Does that sound like the God who would come after the one lost sheep, leaving the other 99 till He found the lost one??? Does it sound like the God who represents the father of the prodigal son, who dropped everything and forgot about appearances because He was overjoyed to see His son come back to Him??

I have a lil craziness inside my head, as i am sure we all do. Mine may be a lil different than yours, not necessarily worse so dont get uppity over there lol. I have many instances where i choose to do what i want to do, I have many where i choose what God wants me to do. I have no problem giving God the glory for helping me to choose the right and for forgiving me when i have chosen the wrong. My lil craziness is when I go through periods where things feel dark and gray and like the light is being partially blocked. Certain concepts or verses trouble me alot in those times, like the ones saying His sheep know His Voice and come to Him as He calls. Did something happen to my hearing or am i not the sheep i thought i was??? Verses that speak of obedience and holiness and faith in ways that just leave me wondering, how has anyone ever pulled that off??? The verses which speak of all being sinners who have not sought after God, of those who fall even after walking with Him a long time. My own lil craziness makes me wonder if I have somehow missed the boat on what He wanted from me and maybe I never was intended to do so anyway and just did not realize it. Craziness.

God is love. To me, this truth indicates God will go to whatever lengths and means necessary to reach down and reveal Himself to any and all who He created, even *the least of these* who could just be messed up ones with a lil bit of craziness like me. Makes me wanna put on a Loiis Armstrong voice and pretend to play the horn while singing, *and i say to myself, what a wonderful God* Word change by me. A Priori.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

What Child Is This?

I really love christmas music. Just overflows with joy,energy,gratitude and hopefulness. As well as the just plain fun ones to renew a childlike spirit. This song is one I want to think deeper about. Greensleaves is a very cool song to me, and I like the entire melody. What Child Is This contains some very solid theology within its verses though. It portrays the future which Jesus shall have as He fulfills His call as Messiah. This child defies all conventional wisdom, born in a manger because he had no home, in the barest of clothes. Pure humility from the one who is greatest of all.

There is a famous saying, *those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it* The context is usually set in a political or military context like nazi germany and the holocaust. I think it can be applied universally to any given situation though. Families, countries,businesses,organizations,the church. I think God entered into human history to tell us in an objective way who He is and how He feels about us,in spite of our treatment and understanding of Him. This is why Scripture has such importance. Why the historical record of how we have been Jesus Church ever since His acensions matters so. It serves to steady our focus when different things want to tear us apart.

i am so thankful for many who choose to be very transparent and openly discuss their doubts,fears and struggles on their blogs. Always a genuine encouragement. Sometimes I can get wrapped up in a certain feeling or fear or something and I will tell myself to just let it go because God has it all under control, but it lingers and stays and that begins a whole new quandary in itself. I am so glad i can come back and think on What Child Is This, or certain Scripture passages, or words of an online friend or even someone I dont even know, and have that reminder God is Love and showed it in the most powerful way possible and lets us come back to Him again and again, neverending, just as we are.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Good Not Safe

In the Chronicles of Narnia, CS Lewis does a great job of allegorizing the Gospel as a fantasy story. Jesus is portrayed as a lion, most majestic,powerful and awed of all animals. One of the children in the story wonders about the lion, named Aslan, and asks if he is safe. The reply given is, *safe??? oh no he is not safe, but he is good* Awesome quote!!! I think this gets to the crux of the age/old debate over good and evil, pain and suffering. My mind still boggles at the disparity over time in how these issues have played out. Modern medicine has made it possible to recover us from almost any illness, while all who lived before its inception were just out of luck. Those in Third World countries and the Middle East subside on so very little and have for eons. God allows this, has allowed it since who knows when. Can anyone actually claim He preordained this????

He is good and He loves all of us the same,no playing favorites and such. Just sometimes things appear a lil fuzzy as to why He lets happen what does. I end up chasing my tail over these ideas when I wonder about my dad, dying at 30, why have I been allowed to live to almost 50??? It is chasing my tail because there is no answer really, not one i would understand in my limited capacity anyhow. I still do the chase from time to time though, regardless.

Any ways in which you consider God being good but not safe??? Ideas on pain and suffering, good and evil??? Hope to hear.