Just some stuff that's happened over the course of my life at random that fits into different categories
getting stuck in a mans bathroom at a prison.... for some reason the door was very strong and i couldn't pull it open it seemed like it took forever before someone came in and let me out i remember feeling very very claustrophobic and scared. My dad was a cop and for some reason we were there at the prison.
I was at keansburg park in NJ, it was at night pitch dark out my dad had me go on a swing ride that went waaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy out over either the atlantic ocean or some form of water it scared the heck out of me making me afraid the swing would fall off and into the water or i'd slip out and it seemed like my dad made the ride operator keep me on there for longer than normal wanting to see me not be afraid.
We had a ropeswing in our sandlot in new jersey and one time I was on it,,, and a whole bunch of kids pulled it so it would swing VERY HIGH when i was at the peak i yelled MAMA..... and let go falling face down on the ground lucky to come away with a bloody nose and wounded pride.
My mom was camp nurse at a summer camp for 2 years in a row it was a jewish camp and we were catholic!!!! LOL didnt matter though.... a nurse is a nurse. I do remember being picked on alot because i was *different* I have flat feet and have always had a lil bit of a duck waddle when i walk because of this i think maybe it shows up more when i run and the counselors i had called me *spaz* and even had the other kids calling me names until they were overheard by some other counselors who told them to stop. i also had some older kid who tried to talk to me about sex and make me show him my privates and do stuff. i was a very naive kid but i knew the way he was talking wasnt right.
i had played little league baseball and was pretty good. i found out i had been sent from peewees all the way to majors bypassing minors .. i was strong and could hit the ball fae as well as having a strong throwing arm. Alot of the other kids who only went to minors were upset and jealous and came out to my tryouts to heckle me. I was already struggling with low confidence and a few of them harrassed me as i took my turn to swing... i couldnt hit a single pitch and i was too passive in the field. I decided i wasnt good enough and i quit.... the coach called me and told me i could be a bench player ,, trying to improve in practices during the year but i told him no i wanted to quit. This decision has haunted me ever since!!!! I was 11 very young and stinging inside from being teased and harrassed by the other kids. But..... i could have just taken it and fought back by staying with the team and learning. I think i may have handled it different if i had my dad there. i will never know. I DO know that I HATE having to live with the fact that i quit!!!!!
These experiences all have either fear discouragement or being attacked in common. I want to leave this kind of self-identification behind. I have felt like 2 different people for most of my life even more so in being a christian. My mind knows the realities of life and what i experienced but my emotions stay stuck in feeling caught in a vise of feeling defenseless and helpless , always being subject to being the lowest chicken on the pecking order where all the others attack because they sense Im weak and they dont like it.
I am in awe of kayla, carly, karen, allison, janice , gary and so many others i could name who either have faced or are facing such monstrous obstacles in life .... and they face them with such courage and determination and I am in pretty good overall health physically,mentally,emotionally, spiritually..... and i have these issues which make me feel so dumb and lacking in what i should be thinking,feeling, doing!!! i want the lil kid or whatever it is inside me to stop and let me live in the same courage and strength i see in all these friends and people as well as many more
How does this come across to all of you who read this??? Both those i mentioned , if you read this, as well as any who come by and read. I am so challenged by so many of you as well as God's ways He works in me using the same things he does with all of us. i just want to know if this is a common dilemma even you all experience regardless of your victories ,, or if it looks like Im very emotionally immature and need to find more ways to grow up and develop that courage and determination. i drive myself crazy because the way i seek to be and am, with people is sooooooooooo different than this lil kid inside who thinks/feels acts in all the victim-like ways i described earlier.
i really do thank all of you who read and for all you are becoming as you face lifes challenges. I hope next year on this day i wiull be able to look back and see AlOT of growth and change that happened between now and then!!!!!