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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Friday, September 29, 2006


My friend barbara has had somje very good posts lately, talking about how to love Jesus. I began thinking of how simple and direct the Bible is on this *Love the Lord your God with all your mind,heart,soul and strength and love your neighbor as yourself* Easy right??? So much so little children comprehend and know the meaning. Why is it I clog and cloud it with so many weird distortions??? I want to love God just as His Word commands but maybe i dont have the right idea of love.... maybe i have sin I havent dealt with and it keps me from Him as i should be.....I let my mind and imagination run wild and before i know it im surrounded within by all these *flaming arrows* as Paul describes in ephesians where i just get all caught up in wishing i could just turn my mind off and be still.

I have as what i want to be my utmost desire to love God serve Him and worship Him as the prime purpose of my life. I think/reflect/pondr/meditate and all manner else on these things and others all day and at night as the major focus of my being ... YET i find myself so caught up with JUNK..... just stuff which creates a emotional/mental/spiritual paralysis of sorts where I just feel trapped from being able to experience the joy and power of the Spirit and walk as Jesus wants me too and WHY???? I am basically thinking out loud here writing on paper my inner travails. Is it just the human condition??? I wonder how nonchristians handle the jumble inside their being??? I can't imagine life without God but it seems so much I cant just rest in the life i have WITH HIM!!!! Weird things is.... I have moments usually throughout a day where He just gives me a glimpse of the glory He IS!!! A small realization of all He provides because He IS ALMIGHTY GOD!!!! And then,,,, I am back to chasing my tail again inwardly speaking!!!!!

Strike any chords with any who read here???? Barbara also posted about our persoanlity types have to relook to see where i fall because i am usually easygoing and carefree but i have these times where i can feel melancholy. Just really good to be able to have a place to come and share like this and especially know others are doing the very same and we all can be used to encourage each other. TGIF everyone!!!

Saturday, September 23, 2006


I have seen a few of my fellow bloggers post their life story lately so i decided that is a cool idea and where better to start than at birth lol. I think its a cool way to share ourselves with all out here in the blogosphere and its fun to see how different we all are. I began this journey we call life in SanAntonio Texas at Ft Sam Houston army base on July 22 1961. I share my bday with Alex Trebek, Danny Glover, Rose Kennedy, Shawn Michaels and Bobby Sherman among others. I really wish i could share a memory or 2 about texas but seeing as how i lived there for only 6 months (right mom?) I can't recall that early. My very first memory is of being in my crib and looking up to see a collage/diorama or whatever they are called lol fun stuff dangling over me in my crib.

New Jersey. This is where i spent my life until 12. As i have said previously alot of New Jersey is very cool. Some of those places are Smithville, Seaside Heights, Asbury park, Sandy Hook, Turtleback Zoo, Keansburg, as well as Old Bridge. We lived in Irvington for a few years not the greatest neighborhood but hey it was livable. I do recall one night hearing a loud knock on the door going to open it with my grandma and seeing an egg thrown at us maybe someone knew my dad was a cop lol i do remember that though. Something that proved my durability happened in our backyard, i was at the top of our backstairs handing flowers to a cousin..... when our dog jumped thru our door and hit me in the chest knocking me backwards all the way down the stairs.... i escaped with just a broken collarbone... whew lol

Another funny incident occurred at a chritmas benefit for the police we all attended with my dad and my mom told me i went around and sipped beer out of all the cups people left on the table lol i was only 4 i believe must have gotten a lil tipsy im sure i thought it was apple juice or soda pop right??? haha

Another memory is my first movie i remember being taken too. It was called *santa Claus* and it was a really forgettable movie except it had the devil in it for some reason and one scene that stood out always in my mind was seeing santa shoot the devil in the butt with a mini bow and arrow too funny!!! I wonder if anyone will recall this movie . i know its real cuz i saw it a few years back late one night on a cable channel in california.

These are just a few fond memories more to come it is fun to think back and i will find out if my recall is off at all once my mom and sister read this LOL

Thursday, September 21, 2006


Time for a lil lil lightheartedness. I grew up the first 12 years of my life in New Jersey. I totally loved where i grew up, it had a huge sandlot, woods, a pond in winter as well as all the seasons!!! One day in the summer I was feeling a lil mischievious and came up with a plan. On the street where i lived, it was a big, long street which dead-ended into a ditch and creek. It was very cool to start atthe top of the road and ride like mad on our 10-speeds all the way to the bottom and try to jump the creek. The attempts to jump the creek were often unsuccessful, and left some bruised and aching bodies. I decided to pretend like i jumped the creek, but had fallen, and somehow broken my leg. The whole idea was to elicit major sympathy from the kids on the block and to show my courage at surviving my broken leg. I laid down on the sand and began screaming loud as i could HELp I BROKE MY LEG!!! Soon a few kids came over and i told them to run and get my mom....... I anxiously awaited my BIG moment when my mom would see and carry me off as they all saw me handling my major injury!!! Time passed........ and passed..... i tried to keep moaning as well as saying oh man cant believe it hurts so much trying to appear very brave. After what appeared to be an eternity, my mom finally showed up..... looked down at me with all the kids saying.... Bob broke his leg wow wow ... and other such drama....... what does my mom do????? *Bob.... get up......... WWWWWWHAAAAATTTTTTTT?????????/ I almost screamed in disbelief i was like MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMmm i have a broken leg I CANT GET UP!!!! Again,,,,, no emotion no sympathy she goes Bob i said get up....... and she turned to walk away!!!! Can you believe this woman!!!!! All the kids were looking at her then at me.... i tried to plead my case but to no avail so i gallantly stood up... and tried to get her to carry me but again she simply said lets go bob....... and so i hobbled on my *broken leg* thoroughly defeated in my attempt to appear the hurting daredevil who jumped the creek!!!!

Outsmarted by one who just somehow knew better!!!! LOL

Saturday, September 16, 2006


I have a friend who has linked to me several sites concerning 9/11 and a conspiracy theory behind it. I have so enjoyed and been moved by so many who have written brilliant and touching tributes to the many who lost their lives on that tragic day. i have waited to write about this to let the day pass a bit. If you don;t want to read this just pass by i would fully understand.

many various groups and individuals have cropped up over the last year, proclaiming that 9/11 was an inside job and carried out by the Bush administration in order to carry out the war on iraq, gain business ties to the oil in the middle east as well as leave open military attacks upon iran and Syria. When i first heard this i was open-mouthed in disbelief that anyone could possibly concieve such a though!!! i heard more, and my outrage over such insinuations still seethed, even more so because i am a conservative republican and have struggled with how watergate occurred and brought such upheaval to the world lat alone the GOP. I still have deep reservations about this even being broached as a possibility but the more links i recieve from this friend and the discussions ive had with him... well thats why i named this post.... troubling. To even contemplate that our president and one who declares himself a believer in and follower of God and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ could in any way have planned what happened on 9/11???/ I almost just shut down at the mere thought!!!!

There is a book written by a theologian called david ray griffin entitled christian faith and the truth behind 9/11 that raises alot of issues about the entire 9011 commission report and holes they left wide open. A group calling themselves scholars for 9/11 have been on c-span where they talked about 'false flag' covert operations conducted by the cia and military in the past which they claim has also been going on and will occur in upcoming months by the Bush administration in order to foster a sense of fear and that we need the military to save us from imminent terrorist threats. You can google Griffins book or see it reviewed on amazon. He is a liberal theologian and also holds to process theology which is not orthodox. I just wanted to talk about this stuff in the open to get fresh feedback because it deeply troubles me to have to consider this might have any truth at all. if your immediate reaction to this is shock and outrage to even remotely consider such nonsense hey join the club!!!! I dont want any of this to be even remotely true!!! I just have had a small sliver of suspicion opened up within me which makes me cringe. Praise God he is ultimately in control!!!!! May He guide the way to know the whole truth and that he will empower us to stand for and with Him in whatever way He desires us to!!!!!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

gout attack

Just a lil note to say why i havent been on in awhile had a severe attack of gout extremely painful even a bare step sent shockwaves of pain thru my foot ugh ugh ugh lol I have spent most of the last several days sitting in my recliner IN PAIN... or lying in bed IN PAIN sheesh well one great thing DR told me i lost 12 pounds in the last month!!!!! YAY!!! Giving up pop sounds better hearing that!!! haha now just need to cut back on salt and sugar in foods i eat walk more and should keep getting better and better!!! Thanks to all who have stopped by and checked in gee whiz sure is cool to know people are outthere looking in!!!! hehehe more to come soon!!!! Be well all!!!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

crazy but lovable

That is the epitaph i think my mom would pick to have upon her tombstone if she could right now. This is how her grandchildren pretty nuch sse her which is a very good thing!!!!!

I called my sister my *hero* which she is...... my mom is my inspiration. She grew up in a very small town in northern california on a farm i still scrunch my face when she tells me of chopping the head off live chickens and other things like that which are normal on a farm. She had to move several times while growing up, which kept her from forming long-lasting friendships because they were taken away by the move. She went on to fulfill a longtime career goal of becoming a nurse and was valedictorian of her highschool. She has her 50 year this coming weekend so that motivates me to make this post.

As I mentioned before, my mom and dad wer both in the army, stationed at Ft Sam Houston where yours truly was born!!! My dad contracted skin cancer while there, and my mom was his nurse. They both knew the possibility of his cancer being fatal and yet chose love and got married They moved to new jersey shortly after i was born, as thats where my dad was from. My mom tells a hilarious story about driving through the Smoky Mountains on a very narrow road in a dense fog....... a canary was sitting upside down in its cage with me on the front floor and my grandma, my dads mom... saying the rosary over and over out loud with my dad yelling at her to shut up!!! Soooooooooo much funnier when you hear my mom tell it!!!! We were able to make a trip; to california driving with my father a greattrip and he died 2 years later in august of 1969. I just this past weekend talked to my mom and found out she was in the room for his last breath. That seems like such a tearjerking event to experience AT ALL let alone it be your husband!!!!

We had a split-level house in NJ it was great!!!!! Contrary to common belief... jersey IS a beautiful state its call ed the garden state for a reason LOL!!!! Living in jersey my mom was surrounded by my dad's relatives... and usually was referred to as *Chuck;s wife* and even if they did call her Linda..... they saw her through the lens of my dad. So, in 1973, she decided to head off back to HER roots california. Now..... most kids would be THRILLED to be heading to southern california i mean DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As well as the sun, surf and sand!!!! But for me, it was terrible!!!! NO WAY did i want to move, and i tried to make that very well-known and obvious to her every chance i got!!!! I even stole a scene from the Brady Bunch by trying to hide under the baseboards and make scary noises like the house was haunted as she had a real estate agent showing the house to prospective buyers!!!! Much to my chagrin, the house sold first week she had it on the market :( I must say she made good on our trip out to california however...... we stopped at many an amusement park as well as the baseball hall of fame!!!!! When we finally got to cali,,,, my sister and I saw that we were now living in a lil pink house!!!!!! PINK!!!! It was very close to the beach though!!!!

It was very tough to be a single mom with 2 kids trying to make it on her own in a brand new state and seeking a good job. Thus why i call her my *inspiration* Thankfully being a nurse was a very needed occupation so she found jobs fairly easily. We went through mant trials and tribulations as a family a vast amount covering so much..... but she always made sure we were well provied for and that we had opportunities to grow and learn and to see ourselves through our own failures. One major attribute of my mom i admire is her resliency she is NEVER SICK!!!!!!!!!!! And if she is, she doesnt baby herself she deals with it and gets over it quick!!!! Reliability, perseverance, intelligence, mental toughness and loyalty are a few of the many great qualities within her. Impatience, stubborness, dwelling on negatives, being extra hard on herself are a few of the problem areas she faces..... but they balance out way more on the [positive!!!

She became a psych nurse eventually and to my surprise ended up working in the same hospital as Dr John Townsend, Henry Cloud and David Stoop..... WOW!!!! These men are huge in the realm of christian counseling right up there with James Dobson and Focus on the Family!!!!!! She even gets mentioned in their *Hiding from Love* book in the thank you personal acknowledgement section!!!!!! Killer!!!!!

i always enjoy reading stories of people and their family relationships always interesting!!!! In talking about my dad and dealing with terminal illness in that one post..... i was just motivated to share this small lil history of my crazy but lovable mom... who did a GREAT JOB and helped me to become a man who was able to be ordained as a minister of the Gospel a few years back!!!! Sure hope she sticks around alot longer!!!!

LOVE YOU MOM!!!!! A F F E C T I O N !!!!! LOL :)

Monday, September 04, 2006


Catchy title eh??? I discovered this blog while scanning over *christian blogs* on google. I do believe God directed me to this blog!!!! The women who write it..... wow ..... as my sweet friend barbara would say... WOW!!!!!! TYhey have an uncanny ability to put into words a remarkable understanding of how God works in every single aspect of life EVERY ONE!!!! I just sat and read,,,, and read,,,, and read some more. So many awesome articles and postings they have on such a wide range of subjects. John Piper who is a well-knmown preacher/writer, is quoted often by them. He has a website called *Desiring God* as well as Joni Eareckson Tada and many others.

One of the best postings i liked though was how they shared that God the Father experienced the greatest suffering of ALL because He had His own SON..... lay His life down for us in order that we could have a restored relationship with Him!!!!! Jesus suffered FOR US.... to take it away FOREVER!!!! I was so moved in reading, the absolute power of Jesus sacrifice and resurrection for all of us NEVER becomes old hat or without impact. Repentance is an ongoing occurrence thank God.... as opposed to a one time even we do when we come to Christ originally....... i pray God will touch my heart and guide me to repent daily of sins i am blind to as well as idols i allow to take His place. Gods grace and love are the greatest power in existence nothing no matter how hard it tries can overcome Him........ WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

He who began a good work in you

This is the first line in a very important Scripture verse. My friend janice is very fond of using this verse as a not so subtle reminder to accept He remanis at work even when we feel so down or unworthy. I often find that when my mind becomes clouded or muddles hard to focus if i seek to remember scriptures i memorized or sing praise sonmgs to myself the fog lifts a lil and God gives me glimpses of clarity wish i was smart enough to stay consistent in recieving the clarity alot more often!!!! LOL

The truth and power of the Gospel really are so basic and easy to grasp. I hate that i try to keep that focus and a torrent of *stuff* piles in, unwanted or asked for, and takes my mind and splashes it all to and fro... till I seek Him to regain balance and composure again. This makes me really thankful for the stability , constancy and unwavering solidness of His WORD!!! It's very *christian pc* currently to be filled with emotion and just let all that energy and zip just flood through us like wave upon wave..... that is all well and good and needs to be there because of the tendency to become stoic and keeping emotions reined in... BUT eventually they have to settle down and allow for a breather... Gods WORD NEVER ceases to be the rock of strengfth it is..... REGARDLESS whether we FEEL it that way or not!!!!! God loves us.... no matter if we feel it or not .and it seems in the Psalms anyway as well as many other places in the Bible people often DIDN't feel His love the kicker is..... it didnt matter!!!!!!!!! Because of the facr He remains unchanging as is His Word.... his love is there for us ALWAYS!!!! Feelings will come and go both positive and negative they dont have to CONTROL the truth of His Word!!!!

I have realized this truth for a long time BUt it just helps to remind myhself of it especailly when i focus on aspects of myself and life which tend to be discouraging or problems thank you Almighty GOD that Your Word IS TRUTH!!! Unchanging for eternity!!!!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

weird experiences

Just some stuff that's happened over the course of my life at random that fits into different categories

getting stuck in a mans bathroom at a prison.... for some reason the door was very strong and i couldn't pull it open it seemed like it took forever before someone came in and let me out i remember feeling very very claustrophobic and scared. My dad was a cop and for some reason we were there at the prison.

I was at keansburg park in NJ, it was at night pitch dark out my dad had me go on a swing ride that went waaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy out over either the atlantic ocean or some form of water it scared the heck out of me making me afraid the swing would fall off and into the water or i'd slip out and it seemed like my dad made the ride operator keep me on there for longer than normal wanting to see me not be afraid.

We had a ropeswing in our sandlot in new jersey and one time I was on it,,, and a whole bunch of kids pulled it so it would swing VERY HIGH when i was at the peak i yelled MAMA..... and let go falling face down on the ground lucky to come away with a bloody nose and wounded pride.

My mom was camp nurse at a summer camp for 2 years in a row it was a jewish camp and we were catholic!!!! LOL didnt matter though.... a nurse is a nurse. I do remember being picked on alot because i was *different* I have flat feet and have always had a lil bit of a duck waddle when i walk because of this i think maybe it shows up more when i run and the counselors i had called me *spaz* and even had the other kids calling me names until they were overheard by some other counselors who told them to stop. i also had some older kid who tried to talk to me about sex and make me show him my privates and do stuff. i was a very naive kid but i knew the way he was talking wasnt right.

i had played little league baseball and was pretty good. i found out i had been sent from peewees all the way to majors bypassing minors .. i was strong and could hit the ball fae as well as having a strong throwing arm. Alot of the other kids who only went to minors were upset and jealous and came out to my tryouts to heckle me. I was already struggling with low confidence and a few of them harrassed me as i took my turn to swing... i couldnt hit a single pitch and i was too passive in the field. I decided i wasnt good enough and i quit.... the coach called me and told me i could be a bench player ,, trying to improve in practices during the year but i told him no i wanted to quit. This decision has haunted me ever since!!!! I was 11 very young and stinging inside from being teased and harrassed by the other kids. But..... i could have just taken it and fought back by staying with the team and learning. I think i may have handled it different if i had my dad there. i will never know. I DO know that I HATE having to live with the fact that i quit!!!!!

These experiences all have either fear discouragement or being attacked in common. I want to leave this kind of self-identification behind. I have felt like 2 different people for most of my life even more so in being a christian. My mind knows the realities of life and what i experienced but my emotions stay stuck in feeling caught in a vise of feeling defenseless and helpless , always being subject to being the lowest chicken on the pecking order where all the others attack because they sense Im weak and they dont like it.

I am in awe of kayla, carly, karen, allison, janice , gary and so many others i could name who either have faced or are facing such monstrous obstacles in life .... and they face them with such courage and determination and I am in pretty good overall health physically,mentally,emotionally, spiritually..... and i have these issues which make me feel so dumb and lacking in what i should be thinking,feeling, doing!!! i want the lil kid or whatever it is inside me to stop and let me live in the same courage and strength i see in all these friends and people as well as many more

How does this come across to all of you who read this??? Both those i mentioned , if you read this, as well as any who come by and read. I am so challenged by so many of you as well as God's ways He works in me using the same things he does with all of us. i just want to know if this is a common dilemma even you all experience regardless of your victories ,, or if it looks like Im very emotionally immature and need to find more ways to grow up and develop that courage and determination. i drive myself crazy because the way i seek to be and am, with people is sooooooooooo different than this lil kid inside who thinks/feels acts in all the victim-like ways i described earlier.

i really do thank all of you who read and for all you are becoming as you face lifes challenges. I hope next year on this day i wiull be able to look back and see AlOT of growth and change that happened between now and then!!!!!