.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Lets Get Physical

O Olivia Newton- John wherefore art thou??? lol Just a lil tease heading to catch the eye. Barbara posted a very thoght-provoking post about physical appearance and the way we are judged and treated based upon it. This subject obviously resonated with many as she recieved a great many comments and emails. I posted on this a few months ago, just felt impelled to make another treatise seeing the interest so many have shown. First off I definitely agree and believe females face a much harsher and vicious treatment from society as a whole in regards to their looks. Advertising,movies,tv,models clothing styles the list is endless. Females are far more intensely scrutinized than us males. However, us males DO recieve our fair share of derision and rejection based upon our appearance.

I was a prototype of a Hitler youth as a lil kid for real blonde hair blue eyes although i had curly blonde hair lol I was always tall for my age and clumsy always had muscular upper body and thin bottom torso. I have flat feet and cant jump very well and i think possibly my run is affected, I waddle when i run o well not that big a deal. I have talked more pointedly about when i developed severe acne that lasted for 3 years no need to elaborate further there. I had to see a counselor while in seminary, we had a decent rapport. I applied for a job as a counselor to a group home, and I used him as a reference. I gotr the job, and somehow managed to see the forms my references filled out. On his form he made very disparaging remarks about my physical appearance!! This felt like a knife because he was the one I shared all my feelings and hurts with over how i had been rejected because of it. A few occasions I went to meet girls I had met on the phone or via a dating service, one met me in a parking lot at a mini mall told me she had to go to her car after talking for a few minutes and never returned. I called her to ask what happened she promptly said she bailed on me because she didnt like my looks. A few others told me they thought i was too heavy and just not attractive enough.

I need to post my pic on here as barbara did hers. i saw a few people say in their comments to her that looks dont matter. Pardon me for feeling like cussing right now. I truly wish they didnt matter. I have had times where it seemed i was viewed as fairly handsome. I had girls show interest in me while i was at jr college, but my inner self was not in tune with the outer self they seemed to see. Its still not. One thing is very scary about showing people your pic the possibility they will show rejection, dislike,disinterest. Especially if they are friends who support you and tell you it makes no difference what you look like but in actuality it turns out that it does matter. I think barbara hit the nail on the head when she shared that posting about this is so tricky. Very touchy issues here, self-esteem,value,acceptance,affection,friendship so many areas that deeply affect our very soul. I feel uncomfortable in another way,men are to be macho,ultra-masculine tall dark strong. I am not in the mold of what a man should be according to the normal standards. I am far too emotionally sensitive, shy around females and just not the personality style men are called to be, at least as far as what makes them attractive to females. Writing this is hard, it feels awkward and uncomfortable but it is a real difficulty I have faced in life. I am as masculine as the next guy and my overall physique bears that out Im a solid rock football player build with a few extra tonnage lol but my insides and my acting my personality out in so many ways differ so widely from that. Im sure growing up around females and having mostly female role models and influences has a lot to do with it. It is also just how Im wired internally.

I just wanted to share some of my experiences in life dealing with reaction to my looks. I hope it makes sense and provides another glimpse and insight into who i am and helps to become more of who I want to be. Thank you for stopping by, all comments desired.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Life is Layers

I always have liked that analogy of the onion, how it peels off layer upon layer upon layer. I think it applies quite wonderfully to life. I came across an old message while clearing out my email box and it reminded me a huge reason why I make the posts I make on here. All of us have so much that affects us in our lives. We are impacted by both good and bad forces,some by our own doing others just by mere fact that we live in a fallen existence where sin causes disruption of the perfect paradise God originally created. Guilt and shame accompany us as a result of actions done to us or actions we have carried out upon others, and the 2 lethal poisons of the spirit can create deep tears inside us that can cause us to hide or lash out in order to somehow alleviate the inner pain we experience.

I do have a deep portion of these 2 poisons inside over various occurrences in the past. I do know that secrecy and hiddenness many times serves to deepen the entrenchment of these 2 inside. Sharing and willingness to risk what may happen as a result become freeing and a source of healing. Many different people come by and read our blogs, diverse backgrounds and personal approaches to life. One never knows who may be hurting over something that breeds shame and guilt and what we might share could possibly make a difference in that persons life. This hope helps me when I worry or think Im sharing way too much and too personally about things i am or have struggled with in my life.

In thinking again about fear of death some thoughts came to me. God never intended us to experience death, it is a result of our freewill and choosing to go against Gods command ultimately. Death is such a huge penalty that God saw it would take something beyond belief to happen in order to overcome it--------- God becoming human and then dying as a human in order to overcome death and restore us to our unblemished relationship with God. If Jesus Himself had to die in order to live how can I even question myself going through it???? After all His promise is to take us to be with HIm for eternity once we pass from this earth. My trouble always seems to be I let my imagination go wild and see all the terrible images ive seen on tv and in movies or magazines cross my mind, as well as the pain of seeing my dad physically dead and buried in the ground as well as losing other relatives and friends to death. I always come back to the promise made in Scripture of all who place their faith in Christ and the assurance He gives us. But in waek moments or just when my mind wanders I have the scary thoughts and fears hit and as a result a whole snowball effect takes place where i begin wondering about just how solid is my faith if i even have these thoughts and on and on it goes. The idea of absolute perfection and being entirely free of fear guilt and shame is a haunting thing i struggle with. I know and believe Jesus Christ lived died rose from the dead and lives now wanting to see His life replicated in us. Iam in the process of changes in the entire way I see life and the lens i see it through. I get glimpses of God showing me how He is helping me to realize these changes. I am especially grateful for all those bloggers and how sharing their lives serves to encourage embolden and empower me to pursue the call day by day.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Mind Matters

Just a lil play on the old *mind over matter* adage there. I have been thinking of a post about the mind for awhile now though. Feelings have become the dominant focus in our culture i think for a number of reasons. I am odd in that I seek to think through things over and over and over again secondguessing down to an art form, and yet ultimately my feelings end up being the prome force that drives me. I am INFJ although I would very much like to be a Spock ao often. I have always had a vivid imagination and one that can be very wild and photographic in some senses. I think my being taught to read at an early age helped this, reading is a journey of the imagination connecting with the mind of the author.

I can recall times when a few kids on my block as well as me and my sister decided to try a seance. I was in catechism and going to Catholic Church at this time, even though i took it as a silly game I know inside i was telling God to forgive us for doing this and to please not really let any spirits or ghosts or dead people talk or appear. Another time some friends of my cousins who were teenagers then were playing with a ouija board again something in me just felt it wasnt something to be messed with. I think they thought the ouija moved and spelled a word somehow. I went to a summer camp 2 summers in a row, my mom was the camp nurse. It was an all jewish camp and we were catholic!!!! lol but hey it was a fun time a good experience. We had a campout away from our cabin one night and of course the ghost stories came out. Some sex stories as well even though we were 9 and 10 year olds. I remember some of the images of the ghost stories gave me nightmares. I used to be scared after reading the newspaper or seeing stories on tv that sirhan sirhan and charles manson would come and get me. Dont ask me how or if this made any kind of sense at all i just felt they might find a way.

I remember seeing in the back of comic books an ad for a book that would give you a secret power teach you how to leave your body and go invisible somehow hypnotize people or read their minds. Mostly i knew this was just fantasy and a way to get money from people silly enough to buy such drivel, but that crazy part of me just wondered enough that some truth could be found in there. I didnt buy the book but I used to try and do breathing exercises at night and to attempt to leave my body. I especially did this after moving from New Jersey to california and when I was so lonely and missing my old friends. I tried soooooooo hardddddddddddddd to leave my body and appear in the room of the girl i really liked alot in jersey theresa. Oh how i so longed for it to work but alas nada all that happened was some weird feelings from almost hyperventilating and feeling very lightheaded.

I find it a tough thing to *take all thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ*. To have my mind selfcontrolled and free of fear worry and doubt as well as scattered other jumk here and there.I want my mind to be fully centered on Christ and His truth His Word. I have a big part of me that does, but there is also this part that has always struggled so much the part that has painful memories and images and hurts etched inside . Seeing my dad in his coffin,lowered into his grave at his funeral, images of being awake somehow in that casket and wanting to escape but unable to and just stuck there forever. I had an experience once when I was 7 i think. I went to useb the bathroom at a jail we visited, and for some reason the door was too thick and strong it wouldnt open. I felt trapped i began crying screaming to get out and thankful;ly someone came and opened the door Im not sure how long it was.That feeling of being trapped alone abandoned. i have had that as long as i can remember apparently even before my dad died. This is a haunting thought especially when thinking about eternity.

I have heard many times sermons given that end up with a story focused upon the horror of hell and how you need to repent to be saved from it and find salvation in Jesus. Of course I want salvation in Jesus, but man o man the fear that lies inside over the images of eternal hell. The fear that by slipping and committing certain sins facing Gods wrath, the fear that God sent Jesus only for His *elect* and possibly not being one of them. These are the pockets of mind/feeling pain that have been in there a long time and that i always thought were just part of the battle we all face in this life. i believe they are and i want to seek to put in practice the armor and weapons God supplies me with to fight them off. Its just hard when i at times struggle to think I even am wanted by God to have His weapons and be His. This is the contradiction that crushes me at times, I seek and long to be a servant and one who lives my life for Him pursuing Jesus call on my life and seeking to live as He did. I also have the large piece of me which feels/thinks Im too unworthy, too much a failure and screwup to even think I could seek to hope He wants me as His. No wonder i have such fear of death and have had so many instances where i tried not to sleep because i dint want to die while sleeping, so much attempts to control that which i have no way to control that can be done other than crazy ones my mind makes up. I ultimately end up just crying out to God in the depths of my soul to forgive me a sinner and help me to accept His =grace and love in Christ and to let that lead me in how i live and treat others. Hopefully by sharing this battle so openly on here He helps me do that very thing more and more. In lots of ways He has already, thanks to finding so many of you amazing people out here. I pray I can keep pursuing deeper and deeper to really give all of me to Him, losing my life for His and discovering the glories and wonders He has in store as a result.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Just a word to depict so much to deal with and so hard to deal with it. One refreshing things is that there are so many journeying in a deeply transparent way, sharing raw emotions personal pain and challenges and the toughness on carrying on. Always such huge lift to read the life happenings of people seeking to learn grow and change as they walk the road before them. I know one huge thing for me right now is how Im really learning how much i need to let go of the controlling way i attempt to live in my head, especially as a way to try and avoid dealing with pain and things i find highly uncomfortable. I have lawys bottled up anger as long as i can recall, just dont like feeling angry and also i have felt alot like the Hulk big strong altthough gentle, and afraid of hurting people when angry. I also struggle because i have anger over things from long ago that i thought could be v handled by just burying and suppressing till it dissipated. I know it just comes out in different ways ways i deem safe.

i feel jumbled in social ways still. The defense mechanisms built up to protect from being rejected and ridiculed cause a stuntedness at times so much especially when wanting to seek to get to know a girl better to see about asking her out or anything. Also just feeling like Im *one down* internally from the way i felt while growing up. I am able on the outside to function and serve in the roles i have in life. But deep inside i still feel so much of the shy and hurting 8 year old on up who doesnt know how to manage things alot of the time and fights fear and feeling unwanted by kids own age and unable to overcome things that i need to gain emotional maturity. its hard to write about this in the way i envision it in my head. I dont like having a huge part of me feel like Im stuck at 8 and 14 years old not fun hard to write about feeling like aIm not the man i wanted to be or should be because of hiding from myself and experiences hy growing up around women. I just want to have Gods help to mature and let go of the anger and fear that keeps me in patterns that are hurting and not healthy. Hope to see some of you stop by.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

filling a hole

What really matters to you??? That was the question my pastor posed to us in service today. The pat answer is life in Christ, God. Going past that though we find alot of things because life in our culture moves sooooooooooo fast and so many influences upon us. * Be still and know that I AM GOD* sure seems like a very difficult task for us nonstop always on the go americans. If we are fully honest with ourselves I think we may find that we lose track of what really matters most to us at times in the hurriedness and accumulation of stuff that pulls at us in all directions let alone our owb constant fight with our old sinful nature to let it die and live by our new nature.

We all are unique,in our own ways. I have had a more sensitive spirit i was born with i think. i have always had an ability to tune into peoples feelings even at times before they even realized they were feeling that way! I think in ways this sensitivity makes things feel stronger at times. My ears have always been that way. I had tons of earaches as a kid. Anytime i went to a high altitude or on a plane my ears woukd hurt very bad. One time we went on a school field trip in like the 1st grade we got on our bus and it wouldnt move. All the kids started making loud noise and then chanting were stuck in the bus in the mud for some reaon it just hit me as scary and i screamed NOOOOOOOOOOO and tried to get out a teacher took me and calmed me down letting me look out the window and see we were going to be fine just stuck for a bit in mud we were parked in. This was very embarrassing as all the other kids saw my reaction and i became an instant target for teasing from then on. I have been a bit gullible as well although i think i prefer that to cynical. I havev always felt emotionally weak often for some reason cant identify exactly why but Im sure its a combination of things.

My being open about what underlies my sex addiction is to share openly and also maybe help anyone who may read here and struggle in the same way or a close thing to it and not feel alone and isolated. The fear of course is being judged,rejected,seen as bad or unworthy or anything that equals being unloved. We also talked about Song of Solomon in sunday school today. God knew exactly what He was doing in creating sex. It is surely a powerful amazing force and definitely something to bond 2 people together as one. Those of you who have been blessed with good looks and healthy emotional development well God bless you and you surely reap the benefits of marriage and joy of sharing life with one you love and who loves you. Living as though you are unable and unwanted in any way shape or form to experience that love and intimacy with another is a deep wound. You see it all around you, and then have to have it smeared in your face that no one wants you in that way over and over again hard to explain the pain that causes so deeply within. Of course in order to cope you learn to bury it so life can be lived. When an opportunity happens to actually experience that even if its in a wrong way or a fantasy way the temptation becomes sooooooooo strong. Sexual intimacy alot like alcohol or drugs takes on a spirit form once the action begins it becomes like a high that just fills you and no thought process is involved just the rush of pleasure you get from it, which causes you once its over to seek it again and again and to increase it more and more. Once time has passed you feel shane and guilt for acting in a way you know goes against Gods desires and you want to end it but then eventually that pull comes again and the pleasure sits in front of you like a carrot barely out of reach . You make all kinds of rationalizations for it just so you can have that pleasure high and so it goes the cycle of addiction.

Im sure alot of this may be old news but its new in coming from how i experienced it. i have a hard time with strong emotion of any kind. I like to keep my emotions under control. It is awesomw to feel joy and happiness and love and all the positives but sucks bad to feel the negative. Its weird because i find it easy to express warmth and caring to people. i always like to smile and cheer people up be an encourager be there when they are hurting or down whatever may be the cause. But for myself i find it so hard to treat myself this way, to let others give that to me and fill my hole up. I have had experiences of recieving so much from people over the years. Deep inside though my hole has been ther always seeking something more and ends up going to sexual release to fill it. i say this openly in order to be real and transparent. I battle it and have battled it. It is not something where i just go ok God screw You im doing this although maybe in a way the actions end up doing that. Surveys show over half of pastors admit to some form of struggle with sexuality and it may be higher because many might lie about for fear of being rejected and losing their jobs. I was activelyu seeking to be a pastor, am associate one , as well as be involved in ministry and telling people abour Christ, teaching , preaching disciplong and still had this hole and struggle of how vi filled it this whole time.

How does Jesus be the only way to fill this hole??? Seek His Kingdom and His righteousness first, seek deep intimacy with Christ, wrestle with God for the wound and the blessing. Bill Hybels said Willow Creek got it wrong, big programs and activities arent how to make people grow spiritually and in Christ, discipling them teaching them to know how to understand the Bible and apply it are. I have ben pursuing this a long time and have had my detours i get off onto at the sametime. Praying that i can ask jesus to help me learn to apply Him and the Holy Spirit to BE what fills that hole so these other things will be tossed away and bounce off like Im wearing teflon!!!! All thoughts welcome and wanted.

Friday, November 16, 2007

twists and turns

Life is definitely full of them twists and turns. From all directions. Good bad ugly funny and just plain crazy. So many different ideas swirling within my head. So many amazingly incredible posts by awesome fantastic people. God definitely is far beyon all we ever ask or think and AMEN to that!!!!!!! It is a huge joy to keep discovering fresh insights from so many varied people and their backgrounds. Fear constricts and limits but faith and hope loosen and expand and unveil so much that can still be seen and learned and pursued. Barbara has a very honest post today at her blog. Talking about how hard it is in *trying to love God and follow Him and obey Him and be a good christian* Donnav left a comment that really hit home to me. It isn't God who is making it so impossibly tough hard and unbearable to live as He calls us to in Jesus, it is our preconceived notions and skewed views of who He is and what He wants from us which cause the anguish.

Knowing this and doing something about are 2 hugely different things. When I was in Bible College I was also involved as a youth leader, teaching jr high high school and college/career youth in my church and we met together every sunday night for fellowship discipleship and to just share ourselves. I sought to see the world thru Jesus eyes and looked for ways to just serve anyway there was. I have always had a pastors heart, wanting to encourage and help especially when i see people hurting or in need. I liked to look out for the loners and those who were not part of the *popular social circle* because I knew what it was like to be there.

After leaving Bible College I experienced a letdown. I had so many friends there and really loved being active on campus and involved in things went out preaching to small churches was head of our Christian Service committee. All of a sudden i had none of that. I was alone living with my mom and working a temp job because I had decided my degree i graduated with wasnt what i was meant to do nor gifted to do. I didnt know what i was going to do really. I still had never really had any relationship with a girl ever at 24 years old though i longed for one. Yes i had dates a few times and some flirtations but nothing that ever came of it. So scared of tryingand being rejected of being seen as unable to be a good date or someone to be in a relationship with let alone marry. Even though I wa saddled with all those fears and struggles the desire burned inside to be able to have a real genuine relationship with a girl. These fears i speak of lie down deep inside. I have always been able to joke and flirt and be fun and all that though waaayyyyyyyyy shyyyyyyy when tryin gto do that with a girl i really like. Anytime i wanted to try and move on the desire to pursue something the inner fears and worries just drowned me in incessant selftalk.

I dicovered via the phone and eventually the internet that there were TONS of people in close to the same boat people who felt unlovely undesirable unable to find romance but had a nonstop yearning for it. Sex is a very powerful force. God knows this that has to be why He wanted it kept in certain parameters. Releasing those desires and emotions also involves a neurochmical effect. A *high* occurs from it Im convinced. Sharing intimacy over the phone or in a chat stimulate the same things as in an actual f2f encounter. Maybe more so in some cases since there is no awkwardness over appearance or how one comes across and such. Feeling those emtions, getting accepted romantically and sexually by a girl or guy especially when its something you have longed for and felt it would never happen well wow pretty potent stuff. That is the nucleus of sex addiction to me . It is not a stereotype of being leering perverted drooling sex fiend. For me and I know so many others its a connection to an intimacy desired deep in the soul bit unable to be ignited in the proper way so it is sought out in a fantasy way. Only God and Jesus can satisfy that longing that hole the other will just always want to be fed nonstop never satisfied thats why its an addiction.

Well not sure just what i am trying to say there. Really just was inspired to bare my heart and soul a lil more i think and seek to have God help me to drop whatwever blocks i have up that keep me locked in a maze of my own making that wont let me just live in love as He calls me to. I seek to keep wrestling with Him making that surrender of everything to Him as Lord, help me to do that Lord I need You to help me do that.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

lost and found

Have you ever had to go to the lost and found dept at a store?? Usually a counter way in the back and all the stuff is tossed into bins awaiting the owner to claim them. All kinds of things can be mixed in with each other. People can be like that too. Some totally lost wondering where they are or maybe not even aware of being lost or suppressing it deep down. Others have been found and so happy to have been restored to their Owner. Maybe not the best analogy for what i want to say but it can work.

I saw the movie *Martian Child* yesterday highly recommend it it is about feeling/being rejected by all around you afraid you dont fit in and never will as well as losing your parents. It was hard to watch in ways because it touched on some deeply sensitive areas in me emotionally. Even though Im 46 i still have wounds and scars that inside make me feel Im 8. I know even people in their 80s do. There were times when the lil boy in the movie wanted to say certain things or express things and the adults around him or even the other kids didnt want to hear what he wanted to say and he didnt feel he fit in anywhere as he was. I felt that way alot as a kid because I knew i was more emotionally sensitive than other kids and felt different because of having had a parent die. it always was an awkward thing at times having to tell people when they asked me about my dad that he had died, awkward internally that is. WEe all have a social decorum to deal with such things. I struggle and have struggled with sharing my fear of death openly because death is not something typically anyone likes to talk about regardless who they are. As christians there is general assumption that you are saved your going to heaven death is no big deal so rest in that assurance. I have to say that is VERY GOOD NEWS and totally reassuring but when you have emotional issues and times of doubt they need to be processed and not just brushed aside with *you already know the answer to that* I had a tract placed on my door the other day one of those *God has a wonderful plan for your life* tracts. It was fine and at the end had the *facts faith feelings* apologetic on it. Dont trust your feelings, place faith in God and His Word. This is true and right BUT God gave us our feelings just what DOES He want us to do with them???

Sometimes its hard to know just how revealing and open to be on here, for any of us im saying. You get to form friendships with people and even maybe a lil community who all share with each other. You get scared of being vulnerable to being rejected ignored scolded or any number of reactions from people that would hurt especially if you have had these happen in person already. Emotional intimacy that is something so deeply desired by us all i think even if we have been wounded to the point where we put up barriers against it. I want that emotional intimacy with God soooooooooooooooo badly and at the same time it is the hardest thing to seek because of the fear of how entirely vulnerable I am and being emotionally hurt by God is like death something never you want to experience.

i read many blogs and see many people seeking this intimacy with God. Deeper than understanding for we all have a pretty solid understanding of Gods love for us but obstacles keep us from that deeply felt and known intimacy like paul talks about in Philippians and like the Trinity have together. Achieving this,wanting this,seeking this,getting it and getting past your own blocks and barricades your own sin patterns and have this happen. How do we make this happen??? Getting beyond the *norm* of knowing God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit to that deep intimacy which is beyond words to describe. How do we get there???

Wednesday, November 07, 2007


Unraveling can be both positive and negative and i think for me it is a combo plate hold the fries (my heart says ty for that one) I feel like different things are hapopening within and without. Some things that cause major stress going on and are not really anything i can control but ultimately God is in control. I really wish I was in the place back in Bible College when i felt like i had it all together theologically and knew the path God had placed me on and i was walking happily along that path. My own confusion as well as my own struggling with issues that had festered inside which i had thought i dealt with by ignoring them just didnt cut it. I am an INFJ and as such have a strong judmental piece of me that is very strong in my entire persoanlity. The funny thing is it has the gavel pointed at me and seems to always be slamming down yelling GUILTY over i dont even know what. I have a very self-critical voice or drive in me that wont let me off the hook ever it seems unless it is a sinful choice then somehow the judge inside seems to want to allow the party so to speak but once its done the cuffs come out again and gulty is the charge no exceptions.

I have wondered before if i am more than a lil crazy. I am able to function well as far as working keeping a place to liove paying bills and all the rest. But internally its like i dont even know how to explain. So much hurt over past pain both done to ne caused by me or just failure to deal with things as i should have. Fear of future and it not bein ganything like what i want it to be or hoped and dreamed it would be. It seems i talk about all the bad painful negative stuff on here as far as myself and i dont do it to be a broken record or a poor me victim or anything like that. I guess its because i am mainly positive outwardly i smile i laugh and joke i seek to find ways to encourage and cheer up anyone if they are hurting or down, This feels like a safe place to let all the stuff I dont feel i can openly talk about with people really or just find it very hard to do for some reason. I have had my death attacjs happen agai na few times , had the thought of a aneurysm bursting in my brain and killing me instantly then i of course try to ignore it and let it pass but then a thougt comes in saying who are you to think that shouldnt happen to you people die from almost anything anytime nothing exempts you from it and ther the cold fear feels like ice in my veins as i wait to see if i suddenly die, Is that crazy??? I think back to once again the fact of my dad dying and how it seemed sudden to me although it was actually a long process he underwent, My mind came up with ways to cope somehow which arent all that perfect. I reacted to his death and ealt with it when i was not a *christian* so i had ways of seeking to cope with death that didnt include God and Jesus as they came to at 16. Why cant i just accept the cold hard reality of drath happening and seeing it as the transition into eternity and being united with God and Jesus forever??? Why and how can I both love/fear God Jesus and the Holy Spirit and desire to be as close to them as can be and in the same breath feel as though i am distanced and kept apart from Him and the intimacy He wants to have because of my own actions or thoughts or because i just am a reject to Him no matter what John 3:16 says and a whole host of other verses .

I have the undercurrent as i post this something God seems to always do somehow. He is there and His love and grace extend. I embrace it and seek to let Him transform me all over again. Hope to hear anything at all you have to share o those who peek in here. This happens to ne my *sitz im leben* right now ------ *situation in life* hope and pray all of you find yours to be an adventure you just want to keep pursuing!!! peace.