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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, April 26, 2007

so like solomon

Ecclesiastes is a very unique book filled with Solomons meanderings on life and its purpose and meaning. Ultimately he determines life is void of any real meaning or purpose apart from God. I definitely see and understand how he came to that conclusion. I find it very interesting though j how alot of others come to exact opposite conclusion. Bill mahre was interviewed on msnbc the other night and shared his view that all religion and faith are irrational and cause only confusion and bad things to happen. He stated science is to be relied upon and trusted not religion or faith. i wonder what happened in his life to cause him to believe this way.

So many thoughts wandering around inside about so many things. it may seem to all who read this blog I am strictly serious and never lighten up oh may it never be LOL its just when i sit and write here I feel its the one place to unleash all that i have within and that i often bury deep so i dont have to deal with them or feel like im burdening others if i share them. I really do love to have fun and laugh make people smile be an encourager I guess I see this as a safe haven to share the deep stuff good bad and ugly.

I am hoping God is pushing me to move to a deeper level as i pursue the call. It seems i have struggled forever with so much of the same things. The weird things is, I have such a good grasp of what Hes calling for and how He provides ways to go adter what He asks for from His followers but i also have a part of me that just cannot shake fear and guilt shame and a sense of being trapped in a certain way of being. I have the black/white syndrome inherent in myself. I have gone so long wanting to be free of certain fears and i wonder just exactly what all is entailed in being free of it or them. I have made it into such a huge thing within my head i dont even know just what to look for in God taking it away because i dont know just exactly how it functions. I wonder how much my fear is linked to my fathers death.

i think family experiences affect us when we are young research and life experience seem to suggest so. I have many memories of my dad but they are like snapshots or still photos as opposed to movies. i cannot recall his voice and hard to remember many emotional/intimate moments. i think that has affected my view of God and of death. I understand it all as Im supposed to intellectually but a deeper core part of me has so much fear attached because of pain, distance,loss and separation associated with losing my dad. i want to accept God and all involved with Him completely no holds barred realizing the crown requires the cross. I understand that in order to live i must die and not only physically but personally/emotionally in order to live as He makes me. Just all my experince and my internal antenna make me feel so scared and wanting to hide avoid make it go away. i want God to send Jesus with a bunch of angels and take me to heaven LOL forget the whole dying being buried in a casket deal ok???? i want to accept the reality of death and of pain and do it with His power he gives me. Why do i seem to be unable to???? I go round and round in my brain and mind so often i come to the ultimate realization its all up to Him and i accept that but when i think about a heart attack or stroke the actual EVENT of dying i just get frozen in a fear maze and cant see the way out the fact that i have fear is like a thick fog hiding His resurrection power and the peace that comes from Him.

i have more to share already a long post. Again hope this resonates with some of you and makes sense. This sharing really does build up hope faith and love more and more. Blessings to you all!!!!

Friday, April 20, 2007


There is a fun show on nbc called identity, where a dozen people are standing on stage and the contestant has to guess what their identity is, lil clues are given via their pose,manner of dress and answers to questions they are asked, a rather unique solutiin offered for resolving the Middle East crisis, hypnotize the Israelis and Arabs, convince them all they are Polish polka players and then awaken them, have them take on their new identity!!! Fairly creative scheme if only it were feasible. I have been wondering about my identity. As a believer and follower of Jesus Christ I want being His to be my identity. I tend to allow or wade into many other things which try to dictate to me what my identity is. I am closing in on 46 here in July, yet so much of my identity still seems to be tied up in the feelings/thoughts/wonderings of a 13& 14 year old kid. My daily life today bears NO resemblance in any way shape or form to what it was back in 1973 and 1974 yet internally i often feel as though Im trapped in a time warp which acts like endless repetition of certain events and the emotional affect surrounding them.

Choice is a very all-encompassing term. I have made a few posts contrasting choice and force. They seem to be polar opposites. A struggle i have had as i reflect back over my life, s that i somehow adopted a silent yet persistent belief that I was to passively,helplessly accept that I was a person who had certain fears and certain limitations which no effort on my part could change and i couldnt even attempt to try to change. Writing that is very odd in seeing it and it hits me the gap i have had between my basic understanding of myself and life and how it all interacts and the crazy,imaginatioin driven nonrational feeling led beliefs that lie in the subconscious yet make their way to my conscious mind as well. I have fought so hard,especially since becoming a christian when i was 16 to be free and rid of fear and fears. yet it seems no matter how hard i try the deep inner tape plays back over and over *your one who fears cant change wont change no matter how hard you try or how much you grow in faith in God just the way you are* i see the total schizophrenia in this on one hand God has set me free in Christ who removes all the remnants of sin from me and gives me a totally new identity and on the other hand i feel/think as though im caught by some invisble vise which wont let me be free in the new identity Christ gives me.

The whole paradox of what is Gods part what is my part plays out along similar lines for me. Jesus lived the perfect sinless life and s the only way for me to become acceptable to God. Grace is a free gift, nothing I EVER do could earn Gods love or make me in any way worthy of it. I am called to demonstrate thereality of His love and grace in me by doing good works because Jesus gives me His life and seeks to have me replicate His life in my living of my life. I can write this and fully understand and grasp what Im discussing, I have been able to share the truth and reality of Jesus and His Word to individuals, groups and such yet somehow deep within i find myself caught up in twisted, knooted up distortions of this very Gospel which I committed my life to and which I believe is Ultimate Truth for every living soul.

I am not entirely sure of what my main point is in this I know that God has been helping me to more fully realize that He has and does set me free from emotional/relational wounds I have held onto. I have been one who buries emotional pain and who felt it best to suppress or repress so it wouldnt affect my living life. I have been fully functional but as i have seen in certain struggles i have gone through that out of sight does not equal out of mind. I have been a psychology major as well as pastoral counselor and thus very familiar with emotional components of life but have mostly sought to override my emotions with logic and rational understanding. God does have a rather unique way to help me discover the balance He provides for me to know.

I hope this has made sense. it is odd for me in some ways writing these personal insights, much more easy to write objective theological post focusing on ways God has everything under control despite our quirks and idiosyncricies hmmmmmm i guess He allows much mystery not only in understanding HIm but in living out our own lives. Definitely a transforming journey for sure.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

could we start again please??

That is the title of a song sung by peter and mary magdalene in the musical play *Jesus Christ Superstar* They sing it right after seeing Jesus be taken away by the roman soldiers after judas betrays him. The lyrics are very cool, reflecting their wonderings about the entirety of their relationship with Jesus and what is going to happen to it now???? I wonder about this on and off can I start again please God???? Can i go back to when I first came to trust in Jesus and follow Him???? The thing is God lets that happen ALL THE TIME!!! Repentance is ONGOING which is incredibly cool!!!! Somewhere early on I caught a legalistic streak or maybe i had it in me from way earlier on ala the catholic upbringing. Grace is really a foreign concept to me EMOTIONALLY!!!! I fully understand and realize it mentally. i find it very easy to apply to OTHER PEOPLE not to myself, I fight unending battles inside my head ooooooooooooo they are fierce. When i have conversations with people about these issues it seems so crytal clear and I see how it comes together but somewhere inside those old tapes like to just play play play nonstop. Is it that until we leave this earth and go to be with God that we will always have some of this residue to deal with simply because we are in a fallen world???? Is it being a cockeyed optimist to think that we can rid ourelves of all sinful tendencies and attitudes while living this life??? As i read my own words im inclined to think yes it is lol I am especially vulnerable to harangue myself over fear, Anytime i have fear I beat myself up within trying to make it go away. Hmmmm like Dr Phil would say..... *hows that working for ya?* I cant just will fear to leave or conjure up some mojo to make it stop God and the Holy Spirit operate to have fear lessen and be vanquished. I need to fix my attention on Jesus to let Him take away all fears.

I try to end my posts positively, even when I have been talking very discouraged or hurting or whatnot because in spite of any and all pain and struggles i feel or face I believe and place my ultimate hope and faith in God Christ and the Holy Spirit to redeem me and make something good out of my pain or even my sin to create a positive because nothing is impossible with God!!!! I pray all of you in blogland recieve the joy peace love and grace only Almighty God can give!!!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

freedom & responsibility

A huge cataclysm of opinion on a national scale has erupted over the Don Imus remarks and ensuing consequences. Imus met for 2 or 3 hours with the Rutgers basketball team with whom he had targeted his remarks at. The players, through their coach forgave Imus for his remarks he was fired from his job and is now off the airwaves. Now the real story happens.

Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton went to CBS and told them they would launch protest rallies if no action was taken against Imus for his racist remarks. Sponsors of Imus radio show began to pull out of the show, lots of revenue lost Imus soon was fired. What motivated CBS???? Moral outrage or Loss of revenue??? Rappers use far worse language in their songs than anything Imus said do they get a pass because they are black and talking from a perspective that actually rewards them and heralds them as *hardcore* and *keeping it real* even though they perpetuate the very racist,sexist stereotypes that has caused such a brouhaha????

I can hear the shouts of * first amendment rights* and saying you can't throw in all the incidents of racist,sexist remarks along with Imus. Will rappers be called to account and told to change their lyrics???? Will rockers???? Comedians???? Where does one persons freedom need to be countered by personal responsibility????/ How free should free speech be???? Should the corporations who pay the rap artists take responsibility and accept the criticism for catering to racist,sexist images??? How long will the outrage over this last??? What more will happen to foster change in attitudes ?? i wonder what Howard Stern thinks about all this and if he even considers himself a culprit????

i know so much has and will be said on this just felt like laying out some of what has been running in my head about it. I would hope this will continue to effect positive change in overcoming any form of hate speech or misogyny in radio,tv,politics and entertainment. Interesting to see how it plays out next few months, especially considering its an election year.

Monday, April 09, 2007

more tugging

I feel like Im standing inside a house of mirrors attimes in the middle trying to choose the correct path to make it to the outside. I am so used to keeping emotional struggles inside just trying to be on cruise control and let things smooth out. This adventure in blogging sure puts a dent in trying to do that though. Seeing so many who share their selves so transparently touches a chord in me and guides me to seek to do the same. As I touched upon in my previous post I feel like i have had a lifelong crisis of confidence. I have pondered exactly why this is. I think genes,family environment,social environment,psychological/emotional development all work together. One important thing is i am in no way seeking to assign blame as i talk about these things. Blame is something that just causes a neverending downward spiral and in my younger years i wasted time playing the blame card so glad i grew up enough to toss it out long ago.

My mom told me when i was older that i almost was held back in kindergarten,because i was seen as to emotionally immature for first grade!!!! Wow that still blows my mind thinking about it one cool thing is i won most improved student at my school at the end of first grade. I know i was always a more emotionally senstive kid especially as a boy. I was tall for my age and somehow was always naturally strong as well but inside i was very fragile. I did not know how to fight back if teased or picked on by other kids, which inevitably happened. i also had the unfortunate luck of wetting the bed. I know my famikly had undercurrents of emotional stress because of my dads skin cancer which affected him a long time even before the year he died. Also from my paternal grnadma who was an alcoholic. i think i somehow internalized the tensions and stresses inside my family which could have led to this. Nothing is quite as embarrassing as sleeping over a neighbors house and wetting the bed. Or going to a summer camp and doingso unable to keepo it hidden from all the others in the cabin with you.

i had a hard time learning to tell time and to tie my shoes. I remember being told in first and second grade to go to my special appt which was with a learning specialist who helped me to learn to tell time and maybe some other things im not recalling. I had very curly hair which gre out very fast, i was the only white kid on my block in jersey to use a pick on my hair lol it even had a black power synbol on the handle I seemed to always be an easy target for teasing whether it be because of something physical, my slowness in telling time or my fragile emotional side. I thank God even though i had all this going on i always maintained a soft heart and gentle spirit although zi wish now i could have been a lil more like the Hulk at times turn green and kick butt!!!!! lol always have loved the Hulk!!!!

i guess i share these things in hopes someone else relates or is touched. So hard to wonder just how people will take what is shared on here. But i guess part of the freedom in blogging is to NOT CARE what people think in the sense that I should censor myself and second guessmyself into paralysis of the post!!!!

I was in high school and one night was talking to a friend (who turned out to be kayla a star on days of our lives soap opera) and sharing my failure in romantic pursuits of any kind. I shared how i was so shy around girls, especially girls i really liked because of my acne that Ai had suffered from even though most of it had cleared by then. She told me girls didnt care about looks so much but confidence. IN HIGH SCHOOL???? RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! Anyhow, i was like how in heck do you have confidence when you have only experienced ridicule rejection or felt sorry for by girls??? That has been a burning issue i have always faced how does confidence come when all you have faced has been darts and arrows which shoot holes in any attempts to even imagine being confident???

This applies now spiritually. Its incredibly frustrating to seek to be a mature growing disciple of Christ when reality is there are so many roadblocks within that seem to stem from adolescence or before. i have a 45 year old MIND with a teenage or younger emotional level!!! IN PART!!! I DO have many areas where i have reached a certain level but in so many other areas i feel so inept so far behind and what do you do to catch up??? I take these struggles and project them onto various verses which seem to reflect lack of maturity or growth and am like SEE LOSER YOU ARE THE FOOL WHO NEVER LEARNS!!!! That is how it sounds within my mind so often unceasing anger because of my failure to overcome various issues which call me to overcome with courage,faith,wisdom,confidence,boldness and power. i dont and havent wanted to NOT overcome these things seems like i have made choices many times which reinforced the negative image i seem to identify with.

So, any themes or areas that strike you dear readers???? Is it understandable how I can on one hand be a dedicated seeker after God involved in ministry and growing on ine hand yet also be an emotionally immature struggling troubled manchild at the sametime??? All feedback is always so welcome!!! It really is a very therapeutic exercise to share on here so glad its here and so many of you wonderful souls come by and peek in!!!

tug of war

Exactly what life feels like so often. I think actually it really is, tugging from opposite ends although in thinking about not sure if i would say God tugs seems as though His Spirit nudges quite a bit. Enjoyed a very good Resurrection sunday both services were packed and the sermon was entitled *mythbusters* declaring that Jesus resurrection was fact and truth not a fable or myth. No altar call was given, but pastor encouraged anyone who didnt believe in Christ to make that decision and accept Him. This is where my tug of war analogy enters.

Believing in Jesus is not hard obeying and walking with Him in trust and faith is. I read the Bible, or hear sermons or bible studies or read books. The reality and truth of Jesus is so clear so often and when some areas in Scripture are a lil tougher it is always a good exercise to dig deeper to discover the meaning. I read and see the call to obedience,holiness,moral integrity. I see how often and how easy i fail to live out those standards. Grace Love Obedience Faith Judgement So many themes all intertwining. God demonstrates His incredible love and compassion in reaching out to sinners to the least of these as Jesus calls them. God shows He is extremely merciful and forgiving extending His grace without limits. Then, so many passages, especially in the Gospels, Jesus tells parables or does object lessons where He indicates severe punishment and judgement upon those who fail to obey, who fail to produce fruit, who fail to persevere. I look around and see that we all are struggling in our own ways, and so needing His mercy and grace to empower us. Some seem to just be able to live in strong unwavering faith and obedience, living examples of what we are called to be once we turn to Jesus. Most of us are all at different places on the spectrum, seeking to persevere as best we can with what we see Jesus calling us to.

I have such a strong critical parent inside me, lashing me with the whip over and over for my failure to obey and love God with no failure. So legalistic towards myself, yet in reading 1 John and the Gospel of John, total emphasis is placed upon acting in obedience and love,ceasing to sin. I am in a inner quandary so often desiring to live in faith and obedience yet falling down sometimes very shortly after some deep time in prayer or contemplation and repentance. it doesnt help I aspired to be a minister and have the warnings about those who sek to be leaders coming under a stronger judgement especially if they falter. I have a filter, borrowing from my friend laura at crockpot faith who has a very insightful post on her blog you should all check out. My filter is always that somehow i fall short and never live up to what God seeks. i understand i never can and only Jesus did. I take that and see that I fail to live by faith in the way Scripture talks about so often. fail to love as He commands because i am afraid of being hurt by being vulnerable in loving the way God desires. The death of my father has affected how i see God and everything at my most inner core ever since it happened when i was 8. I have tried to bury that reality ever since as well. I think i found ways to go into a fantasy world within my core while findin ga way to stay enough in reality to survive.

Love is the greatest power in existence, yet for me fear seems to be way too much. Anytime i have felt as though something serious was happening to my body, even if it was imaginary i have panicked and not known what to do although I cry out to God either verbally or inside myself seeking His help. When i took drivers ed in high school I didnt qualify to take the test to get my drivers license, because i was too shaky on the road lacked confidence in driving. I ended up getting my license the following summer. Lack of confidence been my monkey on my back that goes with the fear of death and of suffering some kind of terrible event at some point, because of my lack of confidence and fear, i place myself in a kobayashi maru scenario like in star trek no win. Jesus is real He calls me to live in Him, follow Him. accept His grace and die to my self. Somehow my filter screws that up. I have sought to live in Him burying these struggles so much, ashamed to admit i have them, especially in my seeking to serve Him as i wanted to. i have shared alot on this blog, seems more floats up to the surface. I prayed He woulkd wrestle with me, i hope as all this bubbles up i can turn it over in full acceptance and know He was there when i experienced the pain and shock and fear of losing my father, as He is anytime anyone has that happen. i hope my sharing makes sense, it is just seeking to lay out my honest wrestling. I praise God He is helping me to let go of the distortions more and more and to live in His truth as He heals my wounds as I turn and seek Him not avoiding the pain and hurt that is involved in the process.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

my faith journey

Bjk asked me in a comment to share the origins of my faith journey and why i believe God is good so here goes!!!! I was raised in the Roman Catholic Church as i have shared before. I did take God very seriously and was very active in catechism. After my dad died we eventually stopped going to church, though i still believed God was real and good. I had some discussions with a Jehovahs Witness who came to our door in california but it never reached a commitment level. My journey really took off last day of my sophomore year of high school.

I cannot recall if i shared this before or not. I was hanging around the choir room waiting for my friend on the last day of school. He was down the hallway making out with a girl we were going to my house to get stoned to celebrate end of school. As i waited a girl who was in choir came up to me and suddenly asked me had i heard the good news???? I kinda knew what she meant but wasn't entirely sure. So i told her no what is it??? She excitedly said the good news is that Jesus is real and wants to be Lord of your life!!!!! WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i was just a wee bit uncomfortable. I told her i believed in Jesus and she said i needed to accept Him as Lord and Savior and know the good news She began a short discussion on the Gospel and soon asked me to pray the sinners prayer I told her I would but we would have to do it quietly (no i didnt tell her i was waiting to go get high with my friend) We prayed the sinners prayer and she signed my yearbook giving me her phone number, telling me she was excited she had just made a new brother in the Lord and to grow in the Bible and prayer she gave me a Gospel of John booklet and told me to call her with any questions. She left soon,and yes i still went and got high with my friend.

i ended up being discipled by this girl all summer long over the phone and eventually went with her to calvary chapel where i went forward and made a public confession of faith. I ended up joining a church very close to where i lived and was baptized. Thus began my faith journey!! Somehow, even before sharing with that girl, i just believed God was good. I struggled with the *why* of my dad dying so young from skin cancer he was 30. I just saw things that made me believe He was real and He was good, in spite of the bad the devil was responsible for the bad. I had a few close calls with possible severe injury or death as wel las seeing that happen to other people or seeing accounts of it on tv or in the paper or books. The whole fact of life made me believe God was good as well. i am a bit of an enigma in that i am so very analytical and logical but yet also very emotional and intuitive. i love to be like Mr Spock and try to take things in a pure logic manner but oh those emotions come roaring thru at times.

I am an avid reader always have loved books!!!! i devoured books on faith and apologetics and inspiration on becoming a christian. My mind has a very solid grip on the reasons and understanding of alot of the BIG questions concerning life and God and how it all fits together. Emotionally though, well just read my blog LOL A whole different story!!! I sek to stay on the historical orthodox course faithwise which is why i make posts defending the Bible as Gods authoritative Word perfect as it was given in its original form. Relativism has seeped into Christianity due to massive cultural override and sometimes seems to reduce the unique claims made by Jesus and the Bible which only changes the foundation God intended. There are definitely many ways in which God lets mystery fuel our journey in pursuing Him. No one can claim complete knowledge of Him and faith and the walk it leads us on definitely involve alot of mystery as well as uniqueness individually, but the objective foundations we rest upon MUST be unshakable or else we end up in a neverending downward spiral into chance with no assurance or certainty, which makes Nietzsche and nihilism a viable option indeed. If God is unreliable and changing then might makes right the meek shall inherit the whip of the brash ok well my little commentary.

That is a bit of my story much more to be shared so glad and thankful the blogosphere exists in which to do so. may God join our heads and hearts to rest together in Him and His love grace and peace!!!!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

keep wrestling

So hard to know what to write on here at times. i have one of those minds that runs 24/7 365 a year nonstop it seems. I am an insomniac, sleep apnea sure doesnt help with that lol Sometimes I sit or lay and try to sleep to no avail after several nights of that i will eventually find myself nodding off early in the evening from pure exhaustion. Hoping this is not shortening my life expectancy, by much anyway.

I am perplexed about myself in the whole *fear of death* thing. I will sound very silly or something here but I always hoped some magical way that death wouldnt happen, one of the reasons i was so excited to hear about the *rapture* was because it meant escaping death!!! The reality of Jesus Resurrection is a no-brainer to me in my MIND!!! At the emotional level however, oh man night and day brother!!!! For me it is not so much fear of death in not believing God or Jesus but that I will somehow come up short because of a lack of faith/obedience/whatever else. I feel like the misfits in rudolph the rednosed reindeer sent into exile on that island of unwanted toys. There is no 12 step for being afraid to die especially for christian ministers!!!! I mean really, here it is almost easter sunday and He is Risen He is Risen Indeed!!!!! AMEN!!!!! I want to pray that, rejoice in that, and not have this freak out that by doing that somehow i will be forced to suffer near death or something close to it as a test to see if i have really come to mature faith where the fear is gone!!!! The thing I hate so much is one of my greatest joys is to encourage others about how great Jesus is and what comfort He gives as wel las His Word. And here i struggle with some of these most basic of issues in life.

I pray God will use this season Im in to push me in the water so to speak and make it so i have to grow so i have to venture out in faith in a deeper way out of my comfort zone and help me to see Him ahead of me smiling telling me its ok to just keep walking knowing He is right there. So thrilled that i have so many great people here in blogland with whom to lean on share with and let everything out with. Even when I feel out of it God is GOOD!!!!

Monday, April 02, 2007


That is how I feel life seems so much but I think it should not be so. I think about the answer that the theologian Karl Barth gave to some students who were listening to him lecture once. They asked him the one major truth he thought was most profound above all others in all his years of study and following the Lord. *Jesus loves me this i know for the Bible tells me so* THAT was his answer the Gospel at its most basic level. I want to live life following that reality complications seem to always bog me down. *Evidence That Demands A Verdict* is one of my alltime favorite apologetics books. Josh McDowell lays out a very clear,thorough,concise case for the authenticity of Christianity and its claim to Absolute Truth. He shows by use of the *Lord.Liar.Lunatic* analogy how Jesus CANNOT be merely a good man,guru,philosopher,mystic whatever other term He is given. If He is NOT Lord HE MUST be a liar or a lunatic He leaves no other options open. I used alot of stuff from that book in doing a persuasive speech in je college on Jesus as Lord as well as in personal witnessing.

I committed my life to Jesus as Lord and Savior when I was 16. I believe His Word. Why then do I struggle everyday with sin, sometimes the same sin over and over??? I KNOW the answers. I know what He asks. Why do I have fear, doubts,resistance,rebelliosness,selfish ambitions???/ I look in the Word and see all the commands about seeking holiness dying to self living as a new creation in Him why is my mind so filled with so much junk that tries to crowd out the truth i read in His Word the truth that He is???? I have had a lot more conversational prayer with God in the last few months. I have had timed where I see His presence manifested in various ways through words or actions of people, in books, magazine articles movies. I am jsut throwing out the wondering i have so deep inside. How can I be wanting to serve as deeply as i can to be His servant and minister to and teach others and struggle so much with my own flesh battling Him everyday???

Is repentance and confession of sin to be ongoing even several times a day??? What do i do to overcome the struggles I think/;feel like i should have overcome so long ago?? I let my mind fill up with so much stuff i contemplate and meditate upon and then i seem to paralyze myself from action. I wonder why God doesnt just let me have a heart attack or stroke or some other action that causes instant death. I want to live a life pleasing to God and Jesus and i seek to yet I have so many things I let distract everyday. I find myself worried or hurting or who knows what wondering how can I just live and breathe in faith love and hope seeking to love Him with all my heart mind soul and strength and at the sametime I fight against those very desires and actions in various ways.

Do you struggle with these things internally??? Do you find yourself reading the Bible. seeing what it says about how our lives should be as believers and wondering why am I not able to be that wht keeps me falling behind???? I just felt compelled to lay out my guts on here so many honest journeyers I love to read. So very challenging. I want to take all this stuff wrap it up hand it to God and let Him remove it so I can live in the rest and light yoke He says He has. I want to move forward, to grow mature be transformed. Hopefully in sharing all this He will use it to do just that moment by moment. Prayer is a very good thing!!!