.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, May 28, 2007

the battle

Life truly is a battle a tough one sometimes its so tempting to want to make it something simple and not hard or tough like that Persevere carry on be stron gand of good courage fight the good fight. Action is a common theme throughout Scripture so what do you do if you find yourself wanting to or feeling yourself just wallow in quicksand feeling stuck or running in place wanting to move forward but not doing it??? Is not life a constant battle to move closer to God and Jesus as opposed to moving away?? God is not a genie who responds on command, alot of times He can appear to be silent or at least very quiet althiugh He never is absent. I know and believe that He is real and the One True God as He declares Himself to be that Jesus is the Way Truth and the Life as He declares Himself to be so why the resistance??? why the faith but lack of obedience and trust and following?? Why do i want and choose certain things I know go against what He desires and has called me too???? That is the conundrum.

I talked to my mom and sister the other night about how i am in the midst of rediscovering myself again at 45 almost 46. i have so much inside i buried deep back as a teen and young adult. i acted in alot of ways because of how I thought i was SUPPOSED to act as opposed to what i wanted to be and do. i am strill quite shy mostly around girls due to what I WENT through when i was in jr jigh and high school. I never really took time to learn ways to overcome that just kind of buried it deep inside. I went to jr college and recieved alot of attention from girls because I actually looked good then in good shape no acne scars lol knew hopw to dress well but i was not ready to recieve that kind of attention and didnt know how to deal with it. i even had a girl get my number off the list in our pingpong class and call me lol how crazy is that??? we went out a few times . I went all through Bible College and really hardly dated always felt so insecure and scared inside and i think that came across somehow to them so i wasnt looked at as dating prospect. My counselor i used to see told me my biggest fear was really of women and maybe he was right. i have a true love and respect for women i never have had the anger and other problems despite my being rejected i just have always felt unable to be one who would be a good boyfriend let alone husband. I still have always had a very strong sex drive though but of course sex before marriage is offlimits. I found an outlet in fantasy though even though that is wrong as well. It was an escape from the rejection and loneliness their they never said no never were displeased or unhappy or bored or whatever. It becomes quite addicting, even affects the endorhons in the brain i believe as well. i hope this isnt being too open in a way that comes across wrong just sharing my reality as best i can.

i have a heart for God. i have a pastors heart always wanting to encourage comfort counsle pastor people especially those who hurt or are feeling lost alone left out and i believe God worked that into me helped develop those qualities in me. I just wish i could blend everything together into one solid whole as opposed to having parts of me which fight Him surrender all to the leading and guidance of the Spirit!!!! Let me know your thoughts and responsed all who read here i always enjoy and desire them.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Jesus Is the Answer

There is a praise song i enjoy very much which contains the title of this post in it. It goes like this *Jesus is the Answer for the world today above Him theres no other Jesus is the Way* I know that is very basic elementary level theology 101 but hey its the best answer isn't it??? Hebrews is one of the most profound complex books in the entire NT yet it is alson one of the most basic and foundational. It points to Jesus and His perfection above everyone and everything Life is difficult hard tough unfair cruel and a whole host of other adjectives and sometimes im sure expletives. I spend so much time beating myself up over failures missed opportunities bad choices I have made and so on. A huge reason behind this is because of the place where my arrow is pointing------------at me!!!! I read a post where the author said how his dad always reminded him whenever he was feeling down and discouraged look UP now that can sound like a cutesy cliche but it actually, when applied is solid advice and encouragement!!!! How great is God??? How amazing is Jesus??? How awesome is the Holy Spirit???? Hebrews tells us vividly just how trustworthy incredible real and actual God is!!!

I struggle and have struggled most of my life with a fear of death as i have written about in depth on here. One thing a few blogs i have come across have made me realize in a fresh way again is that the Bible contains the answer I search for and need. I want death to be nonexistent to go away well that is not going to happen however Jesus HAS made the sting and pain of death vanquished He has made it so that physical death is just a transition NOT an ending!!! *Fix your eyes on Jesus the author and perfector of faith who for the joy set before HIm endured the cross despising the shame so that he might be seated at the right hand of God* Its ALL ABOUT JESUS!!! I think one of the greatest weapons the devil uses in his evil arsenal is to do anythingand everything to make us lose sight of Jesus to get us to believe Jesus is mad at us or doesnt want to deal with us to make us think Jesus is a 8warm fuxzy* but NOT truly God in flesh who has been givem ALL AUTHORITY IN HEAVEN AND ON EARTH by God the Father!!!

So many of us are in very similar places in our life journeys and a great many of us have a depth of spiritual understanding and knowledge we have walked as believers a long time yet somehow a disconnect has happened between what we know and what we want to have happening in our life and what we feel and experience as the true reality. i struggle deeply with feeling like a huge failure to God for committing certain sins while pursuing and being active as minister in a church especially knowing that those who aspire to leadership are under tougher scrutiny. I make it very hard for God to pour His grave love and forgiveness upon me when i an cowering and hiding from Him within my soul telling Him I blwew it i failed you i cant be near You i know ive been a huge letdown Im putting down the feeling level of what i experience internally so often everyday and why its so hard to pray alot of the time. One amazing truth God whispers asi read these other blogs though is that Jesus knows ALL of this about me He knows even as i write this and HE STILL LOVES ME!!! HE STILL WANTS RELATIONSHIP WITH ME!!!!! O to embrace and actualize the reality of those truths!!!! A part of me as i type that s saying *o yes of course He does but you cant really recieve it your too bad too much a backslider to selfcentered* stupid satan and my own flesh never quit!!! I have a glimmer though and my dear friends on this journey as you read this I hope we ALL can actualize and make real the truth of Jesus love and grace Instead of *answers* we need the ANSWER!!!! Just in seeking to focus my mind on Jesus and all that He is does bring a ray of light in me as i type this. i think its the toughest challenge we may face to get ourselves to be in the place where we come back to the place of letting it all be about Jesus. i want to expand on this in coming weeks and months Jesus IS the ANSWER I want to comprehend in real genuine actual ways how to live that out and have it impact me in the way I hunger for and desire in my deepest place. Let me know your thoughts here!!!!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


i love that song by Bone Thugz and Harmony see you at the crossroads you wont be lonely I am so thankful for so many amazing people i have come across on here!!! So many of us at a very similar place on out journey and so many all over the entire spectrum. I spend so much time trying to figure God out or trying to analyze His ways and actions and develop some kind of certainty. As a great many have ben focusing on past few days God owes me NOTHING!!! No explanation no appearance zilch nada zero!!!! My ego doesnt like that much not much at all. Death to self thats what Jesus calls all of us to ,well if we want to be His disciples and follow Him.

i think alot of my internal pain comes from NOT doing as He calls me to from hanging on to myself again and again Fight or flight but i want a third option aaproach yes approach and relax with God. Yet I feel as though i cannot because of the sins i still struggle with the character flaws I still struggle with so deeply. Wanting to change and be transformed by Him but also hold back and resist by choosing my selfish desires so often. i wish i could let Him just wipe away the parts of me that hide in fear that fight against Him or resist by turning to fleshly things. I have flashes that happen sometimes as ive said before all of a sudden a thought comes in my mind you can die right bow heart attack stroke aneurysm lung clot no escape and it makes mt freeze and panic inside I am somehow able to maintain my poise but it is hard if the thought last a while i was in traffic the other day when it happened and i had an urge to jump out of my truck and run just run but the urge passed good thing since i was driving on a 2 lane street!!! Why do i want control??? Why do I fear death and have had it with me for so long??? One reason is i dont want to experience the pain who does???? Another is guilt over not being in a more spiritually mature place than i am. Sins i still fight which i have since high school. The fact I want to live a life pleasing to God and being a servant for Him to all and yet have this hidden *dark side* whee i can go and explore the taboo a lil bit and let it be something that stays in a lil box where only God and i know about it Doesnt work that way. Pain is Gods megaphone i posted an entry titles that awhile back. How much pain do i need before i hear and respond as He calls me to???? Is it a truly lifelong struggle until He takes me into eternity??? None of us will ever be completely sin-free this side of Heaven right???? God knows my condition He knows my seeming inability to internalize His affection and fondness for me deep inside and my tough time fully realizing His llove forgiveness and grace. Help me God to come to You as i ong to and somehow take in Your grace love and forgiveness as when I first came to faith!!!! Help me to hate sin and love holiness to deny self and respond to You!!!!! Help me to want You and to want what You want more than anything each day as it comes. You know me help me to accept Your love and worship You loving You back

Saturday, May 19, 2007

magic moments

Just wanted to share a few of these Ones that are very fun and cool when they happen I was playing a game of touch football 3 of us i went out for a pass looked like it was over my head the guy covering me said i would never catch it , i strethed out my fingers and somehow puled it in TOUCHDOWN!!!! magic moment!!!!

I was at summer camp somehow learned to play tetherball and was able to win several times all in a row even against people i think should have beat me magic moment

my mom my sister and i were at an amusement park in lage george NY on the bumper cars somone hit my mom really hard it made her wig fall off she had to maneuver her car to get it off the floor everyone there was cracking up magic moment

i was at my 8th grade graduation party the end to the worst 2 years of my life i was standing on the sides watching people dance as well as play air hockey and other games for the non-dancers. Suddenly, one by one, 5 of the cutest girls each took turns dancing with me. It was like they had all talked and decided *hey 8th grade is over lets help this guy have fun* I ws shocked but i did it and I didnt feel like they were being condescending or anything they were all very nice especially the one i had a secret crush on macky Webb i see her face to this day. She let me slow dance with her!!!! You cant even believe what that felt like!!!! i actually used to ride my bike after school and on the weekends past her house hoping just to see her i dont think i would have been able to say anything but still

Truly those girls gave me a magic moment!!!

finding rest

Several people have been on the same wavelength here alot lately. I can only imagine how many out in the entire blogosphere truly are as well. Struggling to know and trust God and to live life as He calls us to live it. I find recurring themes on here for myself over the past several months, mainly because I'm in a certain place and write from being in that place. I often hope i dont chase away potentila readers because they come to look and say*on no just same old stuff again* Truth is i don't need to worry about that because Im not wrting this to just have a huge audience of people i dont know for the sake of having lotos and lots of people come read. I thoroughly enjoy and have been deeply enriched by many who have been regular and who also invest their selves by sharing comments and on ther own blogs. Anyone and everyone are always welcome of course I think its just good to not get caught in a *i need lots of hits on here* type mentality.

Gary on blessed are the poor in spirit as well as barbara at prodigal daughter smitty at crockpot faith dana at awareness and bjk at in the quiet have all touched on very similar themes in the past few days FEAR has been a major one.I have relished reading the various discussions since fear has been a small thing i deal with uh yea rightttttttttt lol I think at least for me fear entails a large dose of guilt and shame mixed with anger. Anger is something I have always had a hard time with. I dont express it easily at least towards other people. i think i go way overboard in how i express it at myself internally. I wrote in ome of my last posts about howI seem to experience life from a purely internal perspective. Something i saw on another page made me think even more about this. I am one of those sensitivesouls,words penetrate me deeply. Whoever said the infamous *sticks and stones* ditty wasa either in deep denial or a masochist!!! I have always been a physically big and strong guy. Even when i was little. It had its ups and downs. I used to have to have 3 guys to have to tackle me to bring me down playing football even when i was playing with much older guys. Now that was COOL!! I was always kind of awkward and clumsy though so was an easy target for ridicule. Sometimes i really wish God had given me much thicker skin because mine has always been like snakeskin barely there and easily gotten under.

I feel shame and guilt over how long i have had my fear of death. i had it way before becoming a christian. Something about going through an experience where your being ceases to exist where you stop breathing and all the rest just doesnt make for a easy to digest. Compounding it is when Im told 8get over it* *no need for that fear jesus removes it* and others like it. It makes me feel like i was a fool to ever have the fear at all or at least o acknowledge i did. I dont WANT this fear, but thining of the possibilities left me with it as something I just couldnt let go of. Is death blackness, hell and eternal torment,sleep,eternal life in heaven???? Im speaking from the viewpoint as an 8 year old who's father has died here. I beliieved in God and Jesus and that they were Good and in control.Losing my father to death at such an early age was a major blow though and left me in this dilemma of inner turmoil of dealing with my fears,doubts and my faith hope and beliefs. In talking about this on here Im seeking a few things, to expunge the tape that plays over and over in my head, to seek understanding and affirnation from those who face similar things, challenge from those who havent as well as thosewho have, a way for God to help me get past it and be in a new place.

Fear Not Be strong and of Good Courage are 2 commands used very adamantly in the Bible. I want to live out those commands. i seem to not know how. Is there a difference between our mental dealing with fear and our emotional???? Is there a way to be free from fear and yet still have it in existence to some degree within??? I thought i had the answers to these questions sewed up nice and tight ages ago but my inner experience has always seemed to fight against what I saw as being true. i want to get to the place where i just am trusting God being unafraid and just want to know how to get there???? i have gone roundand round on my hamster wheel for so long and I beat myself up even more because i have been on this wheel while being a christian and seeking to be a leader for so many years. How possibly can i be at such an elementary place after so long being His follower???? These wonderings are why its so hard for me so often to deeply realize He loves me and even cares about me. I think it must say something that i have such a hard time taking in grace peace and love from Him to myself. he says rest. i feel rejection because i have failed to trust and obey. What to do to find that rest to take in His love and grace to know His peace that passeth understanding????? This is my lament for right now.

Thursday, May 17, 2007


One of the oldest songs there is well at least as far as campfires and camps go. Lots of jokes made about it, but how true it is. Come by here my Lord come by here!!!! Come by here as You see me torn up inside Lord. Come by here as You see the conflict inside me. I want to trust You serve You obey You love You and at the sametime i want to resist You avoid You fight You run from You.

I dont know how i got to the place where i am dear God. I remember just the excitement of wanting to know You better and more fully and to share that with everyone so much I desired to become a minister. Somehow i let certain things create a gradual drift and an inner pain was ignored and sedated by attempts at sensual pleasures of various kinds and other ways to avoid and blot out the pain and the reality of openly laying myself on Your altar as a livijng sacrifice, I wanted to be dead to self and alive to You but secretly not let self die at all just have the appearance of being dead. You are ALMIGHT GOD Jesus is SAVIOR LORD GIVER OF ETERNAL LIFE Holy Spirit is COMFORTER HELPER GUIDE I stand before you with the same fear and trepidation i have had for so long yet i want to come and somehow let You transform me let You touch me let You love me just as i am let You take me as i give you a torrent of tears and pray from my inmost soul GOD JESUS HOLY SPIRIT I BELIEVE HELP MY UNBELIEF!!!!! IF YOU CHOOSE TO TAKE ME HELP ME TO SAY LIKE PAUL IF I DIE PRAISE THE LORD WHEN THE DARKNESS CLOSES IN LORD BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!!!!

Thank you for all who have commented and all who have prayed for me via garys post God uses it all i pray i will follow the leading He is doing and let my heart be broken in a way that allows Him the tools He knows best so i will have a restored heart that beats for His kingdom and will in a joyful obedient way that His love and grace creates in me. Blogging IS such a wonderful blessing He provides!!! KUMBAYA MY LORD!!!!!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


I was always fascinated by this stuff. I think I saw an episode of Batman where he and robin were stuck in quicksand. It amazed ne how it sucked them down into it especially when it looked like they were making their way out. I feel i get caught in spiritual quicksand alot. I think im making headway moving aheaf good ptrogress whoomp there it is back deep in the quickand!!! Sometimes i see things so crystal clear it is uncanny like God clears away all the fog and just lets me glimpse His truth so wonderfully. usually though its like I am lost in a labrynth of my own making. Freewill vs Predestination is one of the hottest debated topics ever and so muchj of merit on both sides. i struggle with realizing i do have freewill and am able to make choices BUT have this inner block where i feel/think lioke i am forced by something to remain a certain way. i have always been a easygoing eventempered gentle soul. Gentle giant is an apt description. I have a introverted.passive analytical observer approach to life from my very deepest inner core. i have things in me where i want to be more active or more outgoing more spontaneous and et i feel like i am forced to be the way i have just described.

it is weird as well because my inner experience of myself is much different than how i am in living life around people. i love to encourage people, to smile laugh and have a good time with them. i enjoy being challenged by people. I like being involved with others be it church,work,family playing sports. i find it easy to share myself when asked questions and to empathize with others. In my own head i am my own worst enemy. I dont give myself a break I replay all the bad and dont see the good. I find all the flaws and rehash them over and over and over making myself wonder man o man have i experienmced ANY growtrh????? It really is a vicious circle and only Gods grace love forgiveness and truth can break it up. I need more and more to take in Gods grace as opposed to His judgment and wrath. Be able to know in a personal way that His love is exactly what i need and it is enough.

Again just trying to make sense of life here with my own personal demons. Hope some of you who come and read can relate and understand to some extent. God loves misfits thank You that You do!!!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007


this is descriptive of how i have been with God lately. So much of me wants to approach unbridled, yet alot of me wants to avoid and go another way. Why???? I wish i knew. I think alot of times i am functionally psychotic. I am able to live life in a very normal fashion, work shop handle relationships, (well to an extent) and alot of the other stuff. My insides are so twisted like a pretzel though. Before i went to Bible College I had mostly non-christian friends. The cool thing was even though i gave up partying they still wanted to hang out and so i would have them over to my house, even let them get drunk and high there. I figured it was like jesus hanging with the so called *sinners* No judging them just accepting them as they were. Once i went to Bible College, i lost contact with almost all my old friends. part was just life and its changes. Other factor was i became fully immersed in the church and being a youth leader and studying to be a minister.

Bible College is not a panacea far from it. I LOVED it there!!! So many great people, wonderful professors and missionaries among others. Great pastors and speakers who came there. But it was a bubble in a lot of ways. i was very lucky, we allowed students from cal state fullerton to live in our dorm. as lon gas they obeyed the rules. i had an atheist be one of my roomies one year and he was great a very fun guy helped me to stay authentic everyday. After graduating i found myself in a kind of vaccuum. i had been insulated from certain temptations while living at school. Now that i wasn;t there, those temptations loomed large. My old insecurities reared their ugly head about finding a gf and being able to develop a relationship. I wasn;t going to be a minister after all because at end of my jr year i realized i really should have stayed with my psych pursuits. i felt very scared very vulnerable not knowing just what I should do. The telephone can be a real source of stress relief of comfot much like food and sex. There is a huge subculture that exists where people use the phone much like they do the net. It serves as a means of relating/connectiing to people. Trouble is it is anonymous and allows the imagination to be used both good and bad. Some people use the phone to let loose their pentup anger, others various emotions and thoughts or desires. of course sexuality is a huge release as well.

Our brain is supposedly our greatest sexual organ. Makes sense because true sexuality is way more than the organs we have on our bodies with which we express it. Fantasy, creative imagination is a huge part of sex. Just have anyone read Song of Solomon if they ever try to say God is a prude or that He is against sex. God is the greatest, most incredible awesome lover of all and Im not trying to be prurient or odd in any way shape or form saying that. He knew sex woukd be the most intense experience we humans could experience on a physical level. No wonder when people have orgasms they usually scream His name seriously!!!! Using the imagination combined with expressions of sexuality can be potent stuff. Powerful emotion gets released along with the pleasure centers inside the brain. The ability to engage in it with no threats of rejection or abuse or other negatives that happen in real life make it a very easy thing to be drawn into. Both men and women find such release in record numbers, it really is a huge iceberg with the peak above the waters surface being the very minimum of how enormous the scope really runs. many others have posted on this.

When i was at the jr college i attended before Bible college i took an applied pych course. We got to act as a therapist while the professor, who happened to be a licensed psychiatrist, had people roleplay as clients for us so we could get the experience of *doing therapy* it was a great class. One thing he did was give us all the MMPI which is known as the biggie of all psych tests. He analyzed my results and told me i was split in half one part of me wanted to be the best i could be do everything as I knew was right in being the christian i wanted to be and the other side of me wanted to break loose and raise hell. He was right. I always wanted to pretend that wild side was removed and gotten rid of. Of course as long as we are in these bodies on this earth we will always have it in there to some extent. My trying to supress repress or dismiss it i think maybe made it worse. i struggle with things i think most people do in their teens or early 20's. Wish i had taken my book smarts transformed them into emotional relational smarts.

So i find myself wanting to move closer yet also trying to pull away from God. Fear has always been a big issue, sex another. Fantasy imagination is a very fun exciting activity and alot of others find it so as well. it comes with a price though. makes me feel as though hell is trying to pull me into it and even though I want in the deepest part of me to tuen to God and Jesus and rest in Them...... I am compelled to go back and do the very things which torture my soul and mind and emotions. Wish i had an easy answer especailly with all the incredible events God has allowed me to experience and the people i have known and learned from. This is where im at and wanted to be open and share. Prayers are appreciated always. Incredible how we are all going through so much in so many different ways and God can use that to bring healing and love. Bless all of you out there!!!!