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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Seeing it Gods Way

I made a post titled feeling like peter and this title explains why. Peter reacted when Jesus told him about the crucifixion. His immediate response was Lord may it never be!!!! Jesus rebuked him and uttered the *get thee behind me satan* words to peter. In putting the crux of my fear issues on here and trying to just lay it all out the glaring point that struck me was i was loking at death from a human point of view, and a very flawed one at that. Pain is truly not a big deal to God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in the fact that they accept it and take it on full throttle. They have experienced the absolute worst pain imaginable and remain 100% God.

Death happens. it can happen a wide variety of ways and no amount of denial,mental gymnastics,or any thing else can change it. God is always there, no matter how absent he may seem. Our feelings do not control or determine His location. God is always present regardless of what our feelings may be doing. I dont know why my dad got skin cancer, why it affected him for several years requiring him to lose a lung as well as other surgeries. I dont know why it looked like he would be cancer-free and then a few months before that was supposed to happen more cancer was discovered that soon would kill him at age 30. I dont know any answers to those questions but i do know God has the answers, He may never choose to reveal them and there may not be a direct causeand effect answer involved. The little kid in me kept a fear inside of death as a means to deal with it. Maybe by fearing it would serve as a way to keep it away to make a deal with it i fear you you leave me alone. i know how totally ridiculous this sounds but im talking nonrational here.

God is good God is love. Even with all the bad that happens due to the fall. Jesus took it all upon Himself and showed how real and genuine His love is by dying for us all to save us from our iwn sin and our rejection of God. My holdinmg on to my own feelings about death and pain have been like a barrier to God giving me the direction and empowerment that can only come from Him. I think my holding on to the fear has been a way to just try and keep life floating and moving along with no bumps. The fear is all pervasive and stays always active yet is very difficult to pin down.it is like I use it as way to hide from or avoid making myself vulnerable from giving myself to action where risk is involved. i can say im in the n/a category of alot of things because i have this fear and we all know anyone who has this fear is not able to raally take on things that require certain responsibilities

I dont know. I know i want to stand front and center and say yes and love and obey Jesus and let let the Holy Spirit lead. I also know that part of me which resists or wants my own way is still seeking some way to sabotage me. As larry from last exit to oblivion said its a constant tug of war sometimes God wins other times self wins. God wants us more and more to move in the direction of Him winning. Moses tried to duck what God called him to do saying he was unworthy,unable and other excuses. I need to give my excuses to Him, he knows them all completely, and seek to act by letting Him take me where my comfort zones are gone and where trusting Him is my only lifeline. The ultimate fear is that God isnt who He claims He is or that He isnt really there. I have seen and experiences too much of His character at work in life and peoples lives including my own to acept either of there options. I want to turn amd accept His call and do it with Him leading me accoeding to His timetable. God personally involved in my life caring about me loving me wanting me to be with Him and be used by Him why is that such tough stuff to realize and *get* at my deepest core??? I have alot of understanding as to just why that is but alot of questioins and puzzlements stil as well. Help me to begin more and more seeking to walk with You in the way You seek. help me to love and let You teach me and direct me to love. Thank You for the blogosphere and for many people who are on the journey to love You more as well. Help me to go to You step by step a lil more everyday. Blend my head knowledge with my heart love language so i can completely follow You!!!

Friday, July 27, 2007

MY Kobayashi Maru Scenario

I am not a *trekkie* but I have always liked the original Star Trek. My favorite move in the many that have been made in the series has to be Star Trek 2 Wrath of Khan!!!! It has all the elements in it which appeal to me in a good storyline. I have a friend and we can almost recite the entire movie word for word together lol we do love to nnoy others by doing this from time to time. The title of my post is from this movie. It is a *no win scenario* No escape no way out. The dilemma I talked about in my previous post dealt in part with this problem. It is a combination of a theological/emotional/spiritual puzzle for me. A great many believers hold to a view of salvation known as calvinism which has as one of its major tenets a doctrine called predestination. Those who are believers are called the *elect* and have been predestined to be *elect* by God before He ever created them. God chose to make them His nothing can change that and its completely determined and will happen according to Gods sovereingty and foreknowledge. I happen to not be a follower of this view BUT so many are and so many who seem to have all their spiritual ducks in a row so to speak it causes deep uneasiness in times of severe struggle in which doubts and shame over my own lack of living out the life i am called to live by Jesus knock me around like a prizefighter.What do i do if Im NOT one of the *elect*????

This is a subject which has plagued us since the fall and always will. I am speaking from a purely personal/emotional vantage point here. If the doctrine is true all of us who are not *elect* are lost. Even if we may think or consider ourselves to be true believers. We are the clay God is the Potter we have no say and no right to even want a say. Typing this is making my jaw ache because my teeth are clenching. I SO DONT BUY THIS AS WHO GOD IS AND HOW HE RELATES TO US!!!!!!!!!!!!! That being said the anguish of the *what-ifs* remains. A wonderful friend becky from *inthequiet* gave me a challenge and called me out to accept Gods love for me and that Jesus is always present loving me regardless of my faliures into sin again and again. i accept that call and want to place myself on the altar as a living sacrifice like Paul speaks of in Romans 12. The no-win part is that I have this inner drill sgt who keeps screaming that i never measured up before i accepted Christ and i still havent even after all these years of being a follower and believer. Trying to make me question if I ever really had faith at all because of the letting and having fear be so prevalent and for lacking obedience and trust.

THe ultimate battle is over my will i think as i write and think on what im saying here. The Gospel is true Jesus is Lord and Savior and His love grace and forgiveness never cease. he HAS given me a real realization of His love and Truth but i still have a part of me that holds back resists tries to hold onto things that are not in line with Him and His Kingdom. Is this the plight all of us, and im talking about christians here, that all of us who are His go through until we are taken into eternity???? I see the call in His Word see the challenge to die to self to seek His Kingdom and His righteousness first to be not afraid to love Him and love others as ourselves and I am not even remotely close to making it any of it. Mostly none of us are though if we are truly honest which also makes mw wonder God doesnt want us to freak out over how much we fail because it serves to make us realize even more just how without question we need Jesus.

Now that i have laid all this out on here in sequence I also see where i just need to see my immaturity and grow up into the man who He wants me to be. i have 2 sides here and dont we all the part of me that is sold out and wanting to be a complete disciple is wondering why i let this crazy side even take so much energy so much time so much of anything but that crazy side is there and hopefully sharing it all so openly even if alot is rehash will serve to strengthen me and al;low me to let Him fill me and guide me in the deepest way I want.

Again, does this click with you dear readers???? its amazing how God clarifies things whcich rattle inside my head once i come here and share it. Quite a smart God

Thursday, July 26, 2007

feeling like Peter

My last post was an attempt to lay out the jumble that goes on within my head dealing with my relationship with God and the wayi try to pursue Him. Obedience seems to be a major key as I read the New Testament. The Law was the standard of the OT but obedience evolving from love is what the focus of Jesus is. I struggle so much with fear of death because I struggle with obedience and essentially love I think its a combination of both thought and feeling as well. I have always been an avid readr love to do research and to analyze and think through things down to the nth degree but at the same time i am so moved by feelings in making decisions and in how i approach things as well. I was once identified as an *objective thinker* in a psych test i did and on another one came out as INFJ which places major emphasis on feeling. Hey us humans are a complex bunch eh???

I think a major aspect of what fuels the fear is my realizing my disobedience and seeming lack of faith. When i was young and even on into high school and college I was always identified as having a great *heart* Meaning I was very compassionate caring and sought to seek God as best i could. I was humbled by people always pointing this out but a lil part of me sought to nurture a rebellious piece of me inside and wanted to try to be the good guy with a bad streak wanting to keep my heart as i had it yet also take lil *walks on the wild side* as well too. I think in some cases this may be the beginning seeds of addictions. My *wild side* was mainly in my own head though carrying out fantasy actions i would never dare do in real life. Until I got to a point where the thrill wasnt cutting it just from fantasy anymore. Also, I had experienced almost nothing but rejection and pain in actual relationships in real life mostly concerning anything involving closeness with females. Fantasy was an ideal way to have a girl who wouldnt reject and wouldnt see me as nit attractive ot outgoing enough for her.The hook is that the fantasy never fulfills it just entices and allures and provides fleeting doses of pleasure and excitement but never fulfills.

I was in Bible College and had an atheist roomate. He was a cool guy and i got along good with him. I accepted him as he was and respected him as a perso nand his own choices. He thusly named me as *the best example of a christian he knew* when he took part in a survey on atheists done by a seminary student. That was quite an honor to have him say that ,especially since we lived together and he saw my life in all its ups and downs and he also was surrounded by an entire school of christians!!! It was very humbling and also a positive thing but it ended up eating at me overtime because i knew the fear inside as well as the fantasy life i kept inside dealing with sex which I never ceased to struggle with.

I had gone to Bible College in grand hopes of becoming a minister. Believing i had been gifted by God to become so. By the time of my senior year it seemed clear that a counselor was more fitting and not a youth minister. I graduated and went to work in office jobs wondering what would happen to my education. I decided to go to seminary and pursue being a counseling minister seemed a great opportunity. I went to a small seminary in Illinois long way away from my home It was a deliberate choice as a step in being more independent. Seminary went well i loved it and had a great time even was able to land a youth ministry job of all things at a small church. Problem was all my insecurities surfaced after i was hired. I endlessly worried that i would never be a good youth minister and agonized over it even though i recieved good response from the kids and people of the congregation. i even got to preach a few times and was on a float tossing out candy at a lil town parade they had!!!

My worries ended up being handled in an escapist way that was self destructive. I made several calls to a california phone sex line one afternoon from the home i stayed at while there on the weekend from a church phone. Needless to say i was asked to resign once the phone bill showd up. A slick operator i am not. I have been ashamed by that personal failing ever since but the real bizarre thing is i still have struggles to this day even after what happened.

I share this because its what really happened and it is something I have and am dealing with while still seeking to be a genuine pursuer of Jesus and live for Him. i gues a deep part of my fear which i try to keep in a deep deep portion of my mind is that I am not a real flollower of Jesus because of this struggle especially after all these years and while serving as a leader in His church. How can God and Jesus let alone people love me and accept me when i committed these actions and still struggle even to this day??? Im speaking from a personal emotional point of view because i know very well the intellectual and theological views. I sure hope this isnt seen as being too much information or inappropriate to divulge on here. i seek to be open so i can grow and by engaging in sharing with so many on here i hope God uses it to help me take in His love grace anf acceptance in ways which have seemed so hard for some reason to jsut let fill me at my deepest lovels.

i am very tempted to hit dlete and not publish this. i am not trying to be anything but honestly genuine in my sharing and hopefully let God use it for good as only he can. I have a struggle between the one part of me which finds escape and release in the fantasy world and the part of me that wants to be holy and committed to a pre life serving God and Jesus as best i can. I share as i have because it is a real struggle and i want to surrender to God even as i fight Him by clinging to these things for so long. I prayed He would wrestle with me awile back welli think He heard and responded!!!

I know this is a long post i thank all who read it. I appreciate as always any response even if you have criticism. i pray I did not go overboard and commit a mistake in posting all this. I do hope in sharin this that the fact we can be solid christians anf still suffer areas of deep conflict especially with sexuality is something that can be openly discussed and dealt with. Ministers with sex struggles is nothing new but aside from the high profile caes in the media i know there are so many who just live in secret shame and guilt or total denial, who may still be actively serving in a congregation. Take what you will and leave the rest.

Ladies i hope from the bottom of my heart this isnt offensive to any of you at all. It is a very personal struggle and one i know has affected so many I surely hope not to be hurtful in any way shape or fashion. Please feel free to email me if anyone would care to at all.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

ome of my craziness

Trying to sort through my brain and put together lucid thoughts while they are still fresh. I have been piecing together various strands of wonderment inside my mind dealing with death,fear,transformation,change and alot of other related issues. My mind has always seemed to try and be a great chess player seeking to be 5 moves ahead ok maybe 2 moves yea lol. I seem to have a very childlike outlook when it comes to alot of these areas one that contains magic thinking and definitely lacks for absolute grounding. I think I developed a fantasy world within my head when very young and it wasnt even a conscious pointed choice decision just something i did out of an inner necessity to escape or avoid pain or struggle i felt was too overwhelming. Do any of you think this is possible??? have any of you maybe dome something similar??? I am thinking out loud alot in exploring these thoughts.

Physical death is permanent. It is the end as far as life lived on this earth. It gets everyone even though Im sure we all entertain within ourselves the vestige of hope that by some odd circumstance we will somehow be the lone exception who can someway outfox death and not have to go through it. Of course death is not a problem for those who have no fear and are absolutely secure in their faith and trust in knowing God will be holding them in His Hands immediiately as they pass from this earth into eternity. I think that might be the crux of my fear. Perfect love casts out fear and those who fear have not been perfected in love and fear punishment. Ok so then since i have fear how do i get to the place where i am perfected in love??? Because i have fear i then complicate by fearing the fact i have fear when i know i should be fearless because Gods love should make it so im fearless. Not being feraless causes me to fear more because i am fearing lacking faith which in turn would make me filled with love if i was stronger in faith and thus would remove the fear.

Ok are you taking a deep breath now and wondering if i missed some of my antipsychotic meds today???? yikes That was a small example of the jumble i go through daily within my head in dealing with my issues of fear faith love acceptance and all the rest. I satruggle even more deeply inside because I have more than enough knowledge of what i need to know and yet i find ways to not let that satisfy me and still have areas where Im fearing and hurting and wondering why I am in the condition Im in. I really appreciate solo9mon more and more each day vanity of vanities all is vanity except for loving God and loving others as ourselves. If only I could let that be what i lived out as simply as its stated.

Someone come by and tell me Im not crazy and not a 5150 who needs to be in a rubber room!! Serioussly though I really do hope to recive lots of responses any and all welcome Hope all of you whoever you may be are enjoying a fantastic day and carrying on in the journey!!

Monday, July 23, 2007


Bjk has written some very solid stuff on her blog what else is new right??? She always manages to include some Scripture which is wonderful. She asked me a question on my page roday that still has me pondering within my gray matter. God truly loves me acceot it already!!! I can see all of you with a quiizical expression and mouthing the phrase DUH of course He does!!! Well, somehow and some way the reality of Gods love for me sometimes seems to evade me in the emotional/spiritual parts of myself. After reading hjer comment i just found myself wondering the impact of the fantastic truth that GOD LOVES ME!!!

i stop and contemplate at times after making certain posts on here. I seek to try and be as transparent and open as possible on here for a few reasons. One is because this is a place to interact with people all around the world an amazing thing!!!! i also never know what might help someone who is dealing with a similar struggle or painful area of life that my sharing may manage to serve as encouragement. I dont want to come across as being overly exposed telling things that sound too personal to be so openly shared. Just how do you determine that though?? I think it really is an individual choice we all must make. Commenters are such incredible sources of wisdom and growth as well helping to point out blindspots and provide solid support and direction.

The mind is a complex mystery isnt it??? i am shocked at how fast a jumble of thoughts and feelings can glide across my mind in a seeming instant some i wanted some i didnt some i have no idea where they came from. As i said in my last post i am working through wondering about my condition having battles with some of the same sins i fought 20 years ago!!!! I wonder if it hits harder when its a more blatant and outwardly noticed sin as opposed to one that is more inward and not visible. part of me fears that Gods love is removed from me and hidden because i have failed Him when caught up in certain addictive sins and when my mind and thoughts keep me trapped in a downward spiral which keeps me feeling separated from God hmmmmmm separated from God...... isnt that hell???/ i think hell is not just waiting in eternity it has roots and pockets of its barrenness right here as we live now. I have a certain craziness to keep resisting God and choosing to go my own way whatever that may be and dont we all at times.

Wanting what God wants more than anything else Love God with all my heart,mind,soul and strength Love my neighbor as myself Love fulfills the entire law. I feel like i am not worthy of love deep inside so much I let that cause me to shrink back in many ways from extending love which then makes me feel unloved which well you see the outcome this is the root of what Im struggling with inside I pray God helps me as i gain more awareness of this struggle to accept His love which comes along with His grace UNEARNED and let it transform me moment by moment to act in the same way He has to me.

Sunday, July 22, 2007


I am officially 46 now. Amazing to be so close to 50 always worried i might not ever make 30 way back because my dad died at 30. Sometimes it strikes me and makesd me wonder how i was able to live so much longer than he. i can go off on a wild mindtrip if i sit ands wonder why some live and others die deaths that occur apart from being caused by ourselves or other uman means. My whole struggle with fear weighs on me wondering why i have let it stay for so long???? Why have i let certain sins stay around so long??i think maybe alot of my fear stems from guilt over struggling with committing certain sins over and over even after having had severe consequences due to them. Why are there some sins or emotional problems and spiritual immaturity so hard to get beyond??/

I read in Scripture the character qulities Jesus sought for in His followers and that God addresses through the writings of Paul Peter and John. Integrity is at the top. What do you do when you know you compromised your integrity?? I have spoken of some of my struggles in this area plenty on here. I was in ministry and was caught in sexual sin, involving the phone to be exact it wasnt in actual physical contact but thats not the point. We all struggle with sin various sins as well as sin itself being a thing we battle against. Does the verse Paul says in Romans address this??? * the thing i dont want to do i do and that i do want to do i dont* Can and will sin be endless lifelong struggle as lon gas we are alive on this earth??? Are there certain sins or types of sins that we as believers should never commit:??? MY situation happened back in 1988 and for a long time i didnt go to church or be active spiritually in anyway because my guilt and shane ate at me and i still was addicted to the things i got caught in. The struggle has gone up and down even up to this day.

i am not sure what all i want to say still. I see so many amazing people out here dealing with life and turning to God and letting their lives be so transformed and available for Him to use. I dont know why I have kept fighting God so much wanting to give in to my addictions so much fighting to surrender and obey Him repent and follow after His kingdom and His righteousness. i want to turn to Him and trust and love Him as I know He longs for me to as i see so many do why is it seemingly a very difficult thing for me to do??? His presence and love is everywhere Jesus resurrected to give us the Holy Spirit and follow Him in a love relationship of trust and faith. Why do i find it so hard to just do that moment by monent???? i find it so easy to let fears block out His presence and disobedience be chosen over obeying. Help my heart to be a heart that wants to turn to You God that wants to follow Jesus and love Him and obey Him with my entire being always fully and totally!!! Help me to realize and know Your love forgiveness and grace in such a powerful way I will be transformed and learn to let Your peace and love and grace rule my heart!!!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

more on what drives the fear

it is weied to look in and realize all the irrational and fragmented thoughts and wonderings that lie within the mind. So much of my thinking surfaces as very childlike and childish as well definitely a mixture of someone who has struggled with achieving emotional maturity. I have had shared alot of my inernal struggles with several counselors over the years and they all seem to repeat the same themes seeking acceptance and love. I have always fought with a deep sense of being unworthy of being accepted and loved by people and even God. I don;t know exactly where this stems from. My parents gave me all they knew how as far as love acceptance and support. I know both of them came from families where they both lacked a significant amount of those very qualities from their parents and Im suree they tried their hardest to make sure they didnt let that happen to their kids.

I have been one who keeps feelings within attempting to manage them in my own way and not wanting to let them loose and possibly out of control. i also do it because I like to appear to be solid and strong having everything together one who can be counted on for others to look to to lean on when in crisis or needing a friend to turn to. Sometimes that backfies though as my thoughts and feelings become a cicle of chasing each other and not being able to resolve anything or come to an answer on what to do to handle a given situation. My mind is always on autopilot it seems never stopping even while seeking to sleep Certain feelings cause my inner alarm to go off making me think something bad could happen to my body and ultimately my soul the *real me* I try to let God help me to remain calm and know He is in control and will take care of me but fear and anxiety often push their way inside and try to make me a prisoner. When my fears get the better of me i spiral down and hit a blockade or deadend death and being buried in the ground take and paralyze my mind and all other thoughts. i cannot seem to focus on being in heaven on Jesus taking me and letting me be with Him in whatever way He wants me to be all the truth of salvation and what it means since death is needed in order to experience it h gets choked. I dont know just why this is why my faith and understanding seems to become so small and cut off when the reality of death rears itself in a genuine emotional sensation.

I think very possibly alot of my fear and my emotional struggles are related to my dads dying young and my having very little inner remembrance of a solid emotional personal relationship with him. i have images certain memories pictures that spark things but i have no recall of how his voice sounded and no real deep sensing of how he was in his personality although i can remember certain things and also have been told by many relatives and friends of his what kind of person he was. Distance loss lack of connection abandonment possibly my own failings and having done something wrong to have caused him to die so young. Im getting choked up even typing that. i KNOW i didnt do anything to make him die when he did but a part of me really feels that way and i think i have tried to just bury it anytime it surfaced. I never knew any of my friends other relatives kids at school or church or in my neighborhood who lost a parent to early death. I know many have but i never knew one and I dont know all of how i didnt deal with emotional issues i needed to because i didnt want to upset my mom and cause her any more pain or just be a burden to anyone else. A large part of me always thinks i need to keep my emotional pain and issues inside because i should be strong enough to handle them anyway and i dont want to make anyone hurt by unloading my stuff on them at all.

I wonder how this comes across to those who read it?? I again really appreciate any and all feeback if you have felt a similar way or if you have felt entirely opposite. Any kind of intraction is always welcomed and encoraged. Im so thankful to have this as a place to open up myself especially feeling the rumblings certain memories and thoughts evoke. Grace and peace to you all!!!!

Monday, July 16, 2007

what drives the fear

i have often commented on my fear of death ever since i started my blog journey and bjk of inthequiet asked me to give more details about what the fear really is. Here is my attempt to do that. I know that I was prone to a more sensitive spirit even as a very little kid and was more easily afraid than not. I have my first vivid memory of this from going a ride called the *wild mouse* at an amusement park in new jersey when I was 5 or 6. I was scared by the heights and spins and fast movements of the ride and remember not liking the feeling it left in me at all. My sister on the other hand who was 2 or 3 loved it dont ask me how a kid that young got on this ride maybe it was the fact my dad was a cop???? you decide. lol

My paternal grandmother was a very fearful,overprotective person and she was a major influence on me as she was living with us and around all the time when my mom and dad both worked. I do recall her expressing worry and concern over me hurting myself and gettin gsock or something. Our family also dealt with my dads having skin cancer which ended up becoming terminal ultimately and killed him when he was only 30 years old. he was a cop as i said and worked regularly up until the cancer just made him too sick and spread throughtout his body. Our family lived a failrly normal life as far as normal goes of course we had underlying tensions because if my dads cancer as well as my grandmas alcoholism but we dealt with it as best we could as far az i recall.

I learned to read by the time i was 4 starting at 3 i think and i was a more shy and introverted kid even that young. I think i retreated into my imagination and my own inner world in order to handle life stresses and things i saw as hurtful or unable to deal with. Our family was catholic and i went to church every sunday also catechism and took my first communion. I did take it all very seriuously i remember and did have a real understanding God was real and always providing for us and the world. i dont recall hearing or learning about a love faith relationship with Jesus however. I do still seem to feel the pull of a mediator being present whenever i go to God in prayer. its just something that is inside even though my understanding knows Jesus is the only One between me and the Father. I cant help but think this is left over from the catholic instruction and goiing to confession.

I think my fear is a mixture of things. Part of it is simply the unknown. No person has ever come bacjk from death to talk about it only Jesus. The Bible gives some vivid images about heaven and hell and what happens once we die. Another part of my fear is that soehow i will fall short of the obedience God asks of those who follow Him and of the faith needed. I dont know how to fully put this into words because alot of it emotional at the core. i know and believe Jesus by His life death and resurrection has paid the price for me and by trusting Him as Lord and Savior A part of us is irrational and struggles because of our fallen nature. All the doubts and questions that are common to us all as humans cause my fear dilemma. The fear struggle goes round and round like a cat chasing its tail sometimes never stops. Gods grace is the only thing that sets me free from this endless itch. Adding to the mix is the fact I think/feel that i shouldnt have this fear at all as a believer because of the reality of Jesus having saved me yet that begs the question as it comes back to basic faith issues. Even His closest apostles struggled with their faith. I pray God understands my frailty and weakness and is helping me deal with it even as i write this. I hope that is a good answer and makes sense at least in the way my weird mind thinks anyway.

Sunday, July 15, 2007


Thats how it feels lately so much happening so fast so broad so big so basic. Alot of tragedy has struck people always so much different the effect when it happens to you a family member or a clse friend. Great amount of joy also happening to alot of people. Ecclesiastes seems to fit life so well so often especially when talking about a time for everything. Time is a created thing very hard for me to grasp that because time seems like the wind it just is time passes and never ceases except for occurrences where somehow it seems to stand still for us but time will cease one day because all will return to God as it was before the fall won't it?????

Time goes by too fast for me so much I waste alot of time i tell myself i wont but sure enough day after day i find myself wasting time whether it be watching tv on the net or just spacing in my own thoughts I tend to become so caught up in my own head way too often. I want to act and just do stuff like i see God challenging me to do via His Word or from other people or life situations I think i found it a safe escape place i could go to inside my head when life and people were frightening or overwhelming for me when i was small. I have a mind that never turns off it seems some stuff just replays over and over.

I struggle to just rest in trusting God. I believe Hos Word I trust He is good He is love he is active being God always yet part of me freezes at doing certain things to show trust internally i let fears become menacing abd they act like shadows blocking me from trusting God. I then fear dying and being caught in a position of lacking faith and not trusting God as I need to . A downward spiral that sometimes never ends. Just how are you supposed to face up to and overcome a fear of death its not like heights bugs food noise speaking flying all things which can be done you cant die because its a one and done deal no returning and it drives me crazy to struggle with it when i know i need to let it go and just rest in faith and trust in God and Jesus having me safe in their presence!!!!!! Will mind andemotions ever be in peace regarding this in this life??? Do you reading have a perfect peace about this???? Do you still have fears of what happens at death or after death even as a believer??? Do oyu fear letting God down because of lacking faith??? I hope to hear from some of you these are questions which occupy my mind so much. Thanks for listening!!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Live Free or Die Harder

Saw the latest Bruce Willis movie saturday and must say thought it was a great action movie that provided more insane stunts and crashes than a few scharzenegger/stallone movies combined. The real thing that stood out though was the inner motivation of bruce willis character. i won't reveal any details to keep from spoiling anything for those who might read and havent seen it. Willis character is virtuous let me put it that way and he serves as an on-the-job mentor to a kid who for all intensts and purposes cares nothing for family country faith or much of anything except his own self-interest. The film really stood out to me as a metaphor for God and Jesus and how They deal with us and what we have made of creation and the freedom we possess as made in His image.

It is the *in thing* right now in publishing to be expressing atheism and the downfall of religion. The problem of evil surely is an easy target for any who seek to deny Gods existence or His being Good.Just and Loving. From pure apperance sake and an emotional view i have to strongly agree. Especially in a very subjective,emotional sense. But as i take a step back and look closer so much of the evil that occurs is manmade. The Holocaust horrible as it was happened because of men who acted with evil intent. Murders,theft.lies,lust,envy,greed,avarice,the list goes on and on. Apart from God transforming our hearts we pretty much become a colossal *lord of the flies* world ultimately devouring each other. We have the capacity now with all our wmds and chemical weapons to destroy the world a few times over mercifully i believe God makes sure that does not happen. A very valid critique i give all the atheist challengers credit for is pointing out how often believers fail to honor God no matter what aspect of religious faith they adhere to. We need constant reminders that imitating God is to be our goal as opposed to trying to impose our own ideas upon others of how they should think act and believe.

It is for freedom that Christ set us free as Paul says so powerfully in galatians. Spiritual freedom sure is scary at least it sure seems that way looking back over the scope of history. New converts to following Jesus back shortly after His resurrection found themselves wanting to go back under the law often. Legalism seems to like to rear its constricting head quite often in the Church today. So cool to see movies that contain strong portrayals of true character as God intended for us even if the moviemakers had no realization of that happening as the movie was made.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

pursuing persevering

Sometimes its hard to think of what to title these posts. Im so thankful for all who have prayed for me means so much and provides support encouragement and strength. I am so humbled almost everytime i read so many of the blogs out here. So many people achieving such amazing goals as well as setting examples of how to stand in faith and patience and to keep keeping on. it amzes me alot of times the way my perception takes twsits and twirls and seems to be like a windstorm moving all kinds of ways. So focused on pusruing God His kingdom and His righteousness.... zoom tangled up in old defeatist tapes playing nonstop iside my mind zoom happy and enthused by reading or hearing something so positive and so good zoom back down struggling with a sin or sins no wonder the Apostle Paul said who will rescue me from the body of this death???

I get caught up in perfectionism so much, as many do. Must have all my stuff totally together or cant do it at all. Of course in reality only One has ever had it totally together but my irrational side doesnt want to hear that. I have always liked Philippians as my favorite book of the Bible because i saw it as the ultimate encouragement book. i now have a different favorite Hebrews. Hebrews is all about Christ. Shows His absolute supeiority above everything from angels to man to creation to the Law and to life and death. Jesus Christ IS the MAN!!!!!!!!! Key thing in that fact is He doesnt care about the fact of His title!!! He doesnt have an ego, He doesnt seek adulation, He doesnt take any advantage of His position in any way shape or form He *did not desire equality with God a thing to be grasped* WOW!!!! DOUBLE TRIPLE WOW!!!!! Look at adam and eve in the garden along with that snake looks like they wanted a lil *equality with God* I know inside i do!!! I want to have His knowledge and power oh yea to make it easier and so i dont have to have faith i can know it all beforehand. Im speaking of a part of me here, a part that never thinks that stuff in that way so rational and thought-out but the implications are there. Jesus is even more amazing in that He had all the power and glory and majesty and He purposely,willingly,obediently surrendered it in order to become a servant to all of us!!!!

I pray You will help me to apply what i see in You Lord Jesus to let Your attitude become my own no matter what help it to happen more and more each day let it sink in and grow roots so i will keep growing as roots of a plant thank you that You are so patient forgiving merciful kind and loving *Hear my cry O God tend unto my prayer when my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the Rock that is higher than I*