Here There and Everywhere

Ubiquitous by definition means being everywhere at once. Do you ever wish you could actually accomplish that??? I think it would be wild but very exhausting as well. I have been reflecting alot about a post rwk wrote about being awake at 3 am and just feeling empty. He wrote in such a heartfel way and words that let you know he was speaking from his soul. How can one know so much and seemingly have all that is needed as far as putting things together and making sense of life and God's purpose in it,but yet at the sametime seem to feel a deep divide in feeling and acting on that knowledge??? It is a real battle to decide what to share on here sometimes. Can some personal sharing be too much??? I suppose so, but isn't it worth it if it can help anyone who may be helped in a very solid way by what you shared???

Rwk made a point of how it seems that alot of what we were taught and learned about how God works in Scripture doesn't really work out in real life existence. That is one to ponder deeply because faith plays such a huge role and how do you fathom all the possibilities of faith??? Scripture calls for us to be strong,courageous and mature as believers,overcomers who discern good and evil and move above the fray. Yet Scripture also talks about how weak and broken we can be, hurting and struggling,needing to recieve as much help as we can from those who are stronger. We are to work out our own salvation in fear and trembling yet we cannot do anything of ourselves to add anything to what Jesus has done and we need to be still and let Gods Spirit operate within us.

Is it good to share our brokenness and failings and pain???? On one hand I hear you saying, are you being serious about this??? OF COURSE!!!! But do you have a nagging voice that whispers to you, *careful about appearing to weak and needy. Better not let them see THOSE sin struggles, they might not want to be close to you if they know about that* Why does it seem so much Jesus way of being is so unnatural and hard to just carry out without a wrestling match inside my mind heart and soul??? Lots of times being loving to people can happen so spontaneously i just do without a second thought. But, when I think about how i want to deny myself and love as Jesus did and calls us all too, my insides feel like a funhouse trying to throw me offbalance and make it almost impossible to do what i am wanting to do???

I am just writing stuff as it hits me here, i hope it makes sense in some way. I guess a bottomline is in spite of my desire to be at a higher level, so often my own selfishness messes me up and it is in such small silly ways but its still there!!! I guess we all struggle with this to some extent sometimes it just gets hazy and jumbled to keep things clear. Any ponderings on your own take on this *stuff*??? I really want to explore the role of the conscience at some point, to get a better grip on just how it is formed and functions and how God sees fit to use it. Hot weather here in oregon, hope you all are keeping cool!!!

Getting There

So much time spent wondering inside wanting to break free yet so wanting to hide

is it real or a fantasy how come it feels so hard for me

getting there getting there

late at night lying sleepless in bed swirling thoughts reverberate in my head

take action no stay still what to choose maybe just give me a med

getting there getting there

loving other people always the key always end up being my own worst enemy

hope to do so much and yet instead usually paralyzed in my own head

want to get unstuck before ending up dead so need the Word just as He has said


getting there getting there


Where is *there*??? A place where I freely lose all concern about myself and can fully love people,just as they are and not worry over what they might approve or disapprove of me, of rejection or abandonment, of knowing God loves me and He always will even when my feelings or experiences scream otherwise. This poem reflects how much I recognize the battle and want to be in it yet get stuck inside myself on just what and how to engage. Hats off to al who endlessly supply inspiration by leaps and bounds via your courage, perseverance and determination to live life fully!!!

Round and Round

Had a tough time thinking of a title for this post. I thought of a merry-go-round, round and round it goes. I think merry-go-rounds have been used a time or two as metaphors for life and the living of it. I have had an interesting time as i wrote my narrators story account of various events of my life as a kid. I wish i had a way to become magical and go back in time and be like Jimmy Stewarts character in *Its A Wonderful Life* and eavesdrop on myself, hearing what i said and also somehow intuiting what i felt. Would it make a difference????

I think in my childlike way to attempt to control something I actually had no ability to control I began to identify my fear of death,as though saying that could somehow hold it at bay. I wish i could recall in more detail all that happened the day of my fathers funeral. I recall the major moments, hearing the gun salute he recieved as being a police officer,recieving the flag from his coffin as being the oldest and a son. I want to recall what people were saying,thinking and feeling at the place where we had a get together for family and friends. I used to always hate when people asked me about my father because i had to tell them he died,and because they usually said oh im so sorry to hear that and then that was it. I have really had a hard time recalling very many conersations about death. As believers in Jesus we have the hope of eternal life and death has no power over us anymore, but we have our struggles and insecurities we fight within regardless of that hope.

The Apostle Paul spoke of his life as meaning to be in Christ and his death to be great gain,for then he would be in Jesus Presence. Paul said he had learned the secret of being content in any and every circumstance. He believed God was with him at all times, no matter what it might be, good bad or indifferent. Why has it been so hard to accept and believe God would be just as present in death, or any kind of pain and suffering???? Jesus learned obedience by suffering, of course He was always obedient and faithful to His Father regardless whether He was suffering or not. Jesus did not let suffering,pain and death be an obstacle to closeness with God. He honestly wrestled with His emotions as we see in the garden of Gethsemane where He asks God if its at all possible let Him bypass the cross and bearing the sin of humanity. I want to overcome my own emotions and thought processes that try to do anything but accept and face the ultimate reality of suffering and death. it is a weird paradoz how at the times when I was most in a life-threatening scenario like my heart having failure and possibly stopping I was able to stay calm, a definite gift God granted me which I can never express my thanks enough for!!!!!

Part of me clings so tightly to His goodness and grace. Part fears being removed from it. Part fears i somehow have made it hard to take in and wear it as He desires me to. I know He is still answering those prayers to wrestle with me and give me a blessing and a wound, as well as to find that intimacy with Jesus like paul speaks of. It sure is not easy, but it is definitely very very good. Hope you all are good :)

The crystallization of a distortion

AS happens in all storytelling, sometimes it is necessary to hop skip and jump around to bring a point to its culmination. Thus we shall do so here. We left off previously at the death of the boys father in 1969. We will travel back a few years to 1966. We had moved from an urban city to a suburb in jersey and it was a perfect place for a kid to grow up. Behind one row of houses was a huge sandlot and woods which were readymade for all kinds of sports and adventures. Ropeswing, football,baseball,track and field,boxing and digging a hole to try and reach china lol. Many life lessons occurred in those woods, no wonder so many stories are told of childhood endeavors happening there.

The boy was encouraged to read at a very early age and discovered he had a predilection for english and spelling. Somehow he seemed able to know when words contained silent letters, however this talent was counterbalanced by a huge deficit in math, although flash cards were not a problem!!! He was treated with extra care by his paternal grandmother who happened to live with the family and served as a virtual babysitter. Her intentions were no doubt meant well but the outcome of her treatment would be a fostering of this distortion hinted at in the title. School was very much a approach-avoid scenario for the boy. His insecurities flared when his shyness was played upon by more outgoing classmates. He had a naturally carefree and gentle disposition but one that also was a lil overly sensitive and one that found coping difficult when under stress. He turned bright red almost faster than a traffic light and found it hard to stand up for himself, either verbally or physically. Kindergarten certainly was a daily challenge but he had no way of knowing that his teachers suggested to his parents and the school psychologist that maybe the boy should be held back and redo kindergarten again, due to emotional and social immaturity for his age.

Thankfully, he was not held back and went on into first grade,again so many challenges. This was still a time when dunce caps were used in classrooms and he sat in front of the class wearing the dunce cap upon more than one occasion. A huge plus came quite unexpectedly however, upon completion of first grade, the boy was declared *most improved student*!!!!! Now that was a solid achievement!!!! He was able to enjoy that victory for the summer. Upon entering second grade, the boy learned he needed a lil extra help to learn how to tell time and to tie his shoes. A few other things as well. At a certain time each day his teacher would announce to him he needed to go to his special assistance teacher, think back to what was shared about the grandma. This along with that also helped crytallize the distortion. Somehow and in someway, the boy had developed a sense that he was unable to do basic things on his own and for himself. He had a notion that he could not be confident in his own decision-making and needed to recieve validation from anyone wiser and better equipped than him before taking action. This was the foundation of a feeling of failure and lacking confidence, a learned helplessness which would mark a struggle which still has pieces of it festering within even to this day. More to follow soon.

Whats Love Got To Do With It

Ah yes I hear tina turner now can see her dancing and singing memories back to the mid-80's were the 80's really that long ago??? wow Anyhow, just some scattered things prompting this post today. I am very thrilled right now because I just came back from viewing my aussie friend Gypsy's page and she is going to recieve govt paid treatment for a chronic disease she has battled!!! Gypsy always faces things with such vim and vigor,just had to share and i know many of you also know her. I just got back from my dr visit. My blood pressure was 134/86 which is amazing for me lol and i lost 12 pounds over the last 4 months!!! I guess learing to drop pop and drink water really does make a difference!!! :)

Ok, so love, what does it have to do with it?? Everything i think. If you were to categorize the theme of all songs ever written i would lay big money that love is the theme that would be the most prevalent. Our most basic of all needs we have as people, and even the animals, is to love and be loved. In writing my last few posts in story form as i have i have been rewinding various life events in my mind. The presence or absence of love, even if it is perceived as such, can play such a huge role in dealing with living life. I have more posts coming up carrying on my narrative story, but just had to make a post about my own experiences with realizing the essence of love. For varying reasons I have had a nearly lifelong struggle with feeling as though I somehow was unworthy of love. This may be due to a trillion reasons and none are reflected back on my family or environment growing up. I know a great many people also deal with this inner sensing that remains despite all logic and facts or exclamations to the contrary. It can be like a nagging ache that just somehow never seems to go away, even if it can be ignored or covered over for periods of time.

The tough part is a combination of knowing God is love and that people do love. But,the inner voice makes a compelling case that I somehow am disqualified from recieving God's love and the love of other people. This ends up becoming a nightmare snowball down a mountain that just rolls and rolls getting bigger and bigger because if i can't recieve God's love that really messes up taking in the love of people and if they don't see me taking in and accepting their love then as a reflex they may not reach out and extend love and so the inner voice rears its vile head and whispers, *see??? told you you were disqualified*

That little explanation illustrates a dynamic i have fought as long as i know. The cool thing is, by reading and interacting on here, by seeing the many ways so many have faced and overcome such incredible odds and dire circumstances, I have been able to take in love like a plant exposed to sunlight or getting water. God can seem so beyond comprehension at times, so distant and silent. Yet, He shows up in people over and over again. He shows up in shazzie and ben, an unbelievable story of terror,recovery and love you need to check out, she blogs at dare to dream. So many people i could name and so often without even consciously being aware of it, they help me to recieve love and to share it. It is a huge rush to stop and think how many people there are alive and how we all can find ways to connect to each other and share love in so many ways.

Sometimes words do not get expressed the clearest when shared right from the heart. I hope these words of mine are clear. I have struggled to realize I am loved throughout living, but over and over again He reminds me and He has always provided touches in varying ways to show me. Today i just really am thankful one of those most important ways is through all of you out there!!!!! Love has got everything to do with it!!!!

Give me love give me life give me YOU!!!!

Focus

Thank you to all who have commented on my *story* I have been unveiling lately, as well as to all who stop by and visit. I have been wrestling with a really nasty cold last 2 weeks, sometimes my energy is zapped. It is quite interesting to me the way writing in a narrative manner about my own life can provide new insights emotionally to some key events. One theme I am reminded of that I have tried to keep a stranglehold on from a very young age was control. I guess that is pretty common to most of us, though it may be more severely sought after by some than others. Wanting to control events and circumstances so they do not cause pain and destructive damage. Of course the pursuit of this control is chased after from a very limited focus,as well as a narrow emotional place.

Focus. Such a strong word with solid meaning. Where will the focus be??? So wanting it to be on the positive, on loving,caring,sharing,serving,encouraging,giving. Too often it goes to the negative,avoiding pain,hurt,risk,,exposure. it seems so easy to focus on the good when reading peoples stories, when seeing needs so many have and the wonder of sharing and growing together. But then so quickly can come self-doubt,inner conflict,fear of being hurt or rejected or a host of other things.

Jesus gives the ability to focus on the good and to actually BECOME the good. Problem is who He is and how He encounters us has been and can be so distorted and messed with, especially by ones who would say they were doing the best to make it the *rightway* So many twists and turns by individuals,communities,cultures,churches have occurred down through history. So good to know He is abounding in lovingkindness,grace,mercy as well as justice. He allows for the focus to continually be redirected where it most fits.

Fairy Tale Shattered

Off to New Jersey they went, proud parents, brand new baby and his mother all in a cramped ford station wagon. A quick aside about the times, it was 1960 when they went with a group of privates and nurses to a lil coffee shop to eat. One of the nurses happened to be black, and was told she could not eat where all the others were being served. With no hesitation all of them got up and left. 1960 Texas, prejudice very much alive and in the open. Ok, as they were traveling back to NJ they passed through what i believe were the Smoky Mountains. It was kinda dark and foggy, maybe even raining. A parakeet was in the car as well, and his mother was loudly saying the rosary in hopes for Divine protection. He had no qualms of telling her to be quiet and say her roasry to herself. Ah what wonderful beginnings for the boys first adventures with this family he had been sent into!!!

New Jersey turned out to be not that bad a place. There are actually many beautiful areas in jersey, i mean after all it is called the garden state!!! Palisades Park,Saddleback Zoo.Seaside Heights, Asbury Park,Sandy Hook, going to the Worlds Fair. Just a few of the fun places gone to in jersey. A perk of having a cop for a dad happened when i went to an autograph signing for Cleon Jones, who just happened to be my favorite baseball playerm left fielder for the Mets. We were way far back but after a quick flash of his badge all of a sudden we were close to the front of the line. Pretty cool stuff!!!!

i experienced my very first time in a hospital at 4, needing to get a tonsillectomy to get rid of the incessant sore throats and ear aches i had almost nonstop. I can remember laying on the gurney, in a hallway awaiting a nurse to take me into the operating room. I recall as the mask was placed over my nose and mouth that the gas did smell like nail polish. I guess before i knew it, it was over and I got icecream, so it was survivable.

I had pictured my parents falling in love as much like a fairytale,especially with the ugly spectre of cancer being present. They were not about to let such a thing stand in the way of embracing love. As my dad settled into his police career and my mom one of being a nurse, he underwent a few operations to remove cancer that had shown up various places,a mutual decision on their part to not share this with the boy or his little sister,seeking to prevent worrying them I'm sure. Time passed and at one of their normal doctors visits they were told amazing news. If the cancer did not reappear anywhere by a certain timeframe most likely it would never return again!!!! HOLY COW!!! I cannot even imagine the rush that they both felt upon hearing this news. Could it be true??? Would this happen??/ An amazing hope to cling to!!!! Time went on, no cancer, closer and closer to their special date!!!! Almost there .................... WHAM!!!!

While out playing in snow on a winter day he somehow fell. Didn't get hurt really but did feel a twinge in his back after so went in just to be safe. The most horrible news of all- a spot showed up on xray. The cancer had come back!!! So close to the time when he was supposed to be free and clear. Not only did it come back, it spread like a wildfire. It was skin cancer malignant melanoma. No magic fairydust to make it all go away. No miraculous cure. He lived life to the fullest as long as he had it taking a summer trip to california so he could take his kids to disneyland. His lasting memory being one of a great time together with his family. He made detective. He worked until his body could not handle it anymore. In august of 1969, this brave cop passed on into eternity. Safety Security Fairytale ending???? More to come soon

Love Amidst Pain

Texas. Lone Star State. A far cry from New Jersey or California. Interesting how they both chose the military upon becoming adults. Cutting to the chase, they had a rather starcrossed encounter which sprung them upon the path they were soon bound to embark upon together. He developed a bloody mole on his chest, most likely from his dogtags rubbing against it while performing drilling exercises. What he did not know was that under the surface below the mole was lurking an insidious disease that back in 1960 struck like a lightning bolt when uttered CANCER Still has an ominous tone even to this day, but back then it may just as well have been a death sentence.

Despite such terrible news, a very bright and silver lining was about to happen. He had to spend time in the army hospital while recovering. Guess who happened to be his nurse??? Did i say previously it was straight out of a melodramatic movie??? His condition was severe, but that did not dampen her heart from being melted by this brave and charming young GI. He was very good-humored and never a shy one with the ladies. *quick narrator interruption- sure wish I had inherited THAT trait ah well ok back to story* They made the most of having leave time off-base.going to the drive-in and other spots for couples in SanAntonio. It was truly a whirlwind courtship, they both were honorably discharged, but not after a cataclysmic even of worldwide proportion was to take place!!!! Just what coulf that monumental moment be????? *Drum roll.............. tdadadadadadad...... the birth of this narrator of course!!!!! Ummmmm well ok you don't have to roll your eyes THAT much now!!!!! LOL

Out of the army,a brand new baby boy,back to New Jersey to begin life united. Love was conquering all, a shadow still kept pace not too far away however. Love would truly be challenged by pain. More soon.

I have chosen not to use proper names in this telling by choice. It is my own story, just being told in a different style. I hope to reach inside and share some of the more intimate events in a way that allows the emotion and interaction leap off the page more expressively and touch the reader more personally than just a straight-out telling. it is both scary and exhilarating to write of myself in this way. Hope it will continue to make for interesting reading. May the Good be with you all!!!

Ahead to the Past

The boys personal experience of safety and security would very soon be forever changed. As all good movies or stories so often do, we must freeze the story briefly and take a peek backwards, back to the beginning of the lives of the boys parents, to lay groundwork for how their family life impacted his. Oh, just an aside, narrator breaking in here. I may interrupt and add a reflection here and there, like an actor suddenly breaking character and speaking to the audience. Hey it's my story right??? LOL So glad you came along for the ride, off we go.

His mother was a california country girl. Raised in nothern california not to far from the oregon border. She had a hard childhood in many ways. Her father was an alcoholic who divorced her mother when she was very young. Her mother did not want to settle down and accept the responsibility for raising her, so she was shuttled off to her aunt and uncles. They took her in and raised her just like they were her parents. The aunt and uncle were farmers, very hardworking and quite reserved, never showing much affection or emotion or verbal expressions of praise and love. Something happened to her when she was still quite a young girl, something that no little girl should ever experience,something that tore at any sense of safety and security for her, even way beyond losing her father and being given away by her mother. She learned to protect herself, to guard her emotions. Her mind became as sharp as a steel blade, she was almost valedictorian of her high school class and discovered she had a very high iq, high enough to become a mensa member.

His father also had a bit of a rough upbringing. Raised in new jersey so close to newark, a very crime-ridden area. His mother was an alcoholic and tended to be quite histrionic and a worrywart. Not much known about his father, although he was spoken well of by other family members. His life was cut short by cancer. Cancer. Everyone hates that word. Strangely enough the boys birthday was July 22. Right on the cusp between cancer/leo. *quick sidenote- no real care about astological signs but it just adds a lil extra to the story*

He was a grgarious kid. Liked to joke around and be the life of the party. He loved sports,especially football. He had dreams of a bright future someday. Not sure just what but he dreamed all the same. He had a younger sister also, same as did his son, the boy. Interesting to wonder how similar the relationships were between each.

Life is so funny how it can take such bizarre twists and turns. These 2 very different people were soon to have a headon collision in a place far from either of their home states. Their story is quite close gto that song by Journey, the one that ended the Sopranos lives. *she was just a smalltown girl, living in a lonely world, she took the midnight train going anywhere* *he was just a cityboy, born and raised in south detroit*jersey* he took the midnight train going anywhere* The song??? Don't Stop Believin* Little did they know how much the title of that song would really come to bear so strongly on their lives.

Army. Ft Sam Houston. Nurse-2nd Lieutenant. Pvt 1st class. Both of them stationed there. Their paths soon to cross in a way truly meant to be a movie. More to come soon.

So hope you enjoy and hopefully will feel *in touch* with what happens as to the people as the story unfolds. Such a leap to attempt to write in this way and keep fingers crossed it comes across very well to the readers. Anyone who wishes to email me ever, it is there where the comments section is. i welcome any and all corrspondence.

Safe and Secure

A very mixed breed of neighborhood it was. Small city in New Jersey in the mid-60's. Such a turbulent time,although he would not learn this till years later. it felt so friendly and comfortable in this small block. So many relatives so close by. People sitting on their porches at night visiting and watching kids play, the chimes of the good humor man coming around the corner. Mothers running out, purse in hand with several kids in tow, all sreaming for ice cream. At night, in the backyard chasing fireflys with glass jars. Punks burning with that odorous scent, hoping to chase mosquitos away. A nurse and a cop, what better combination of careers for parents could a boy ask for??? Safety and security, medicine and the law. All was well in this little place in jersey.

Riot. Sniper. These were scary words. The calm,lazy everyday life of irvington had erupted into flashes of violence and strife. He had never gotten to meet a black person as yet in his young life. Come to think of it, he really only had encountered mostly white people in his surroundings. He as full german, and had italian and irish relatives, but never had come across any other ethnic groups, except for seeing them on tv. Racial tensions flamed the riots he learned, and he heard angry diatribes by his uncle when all the kids were sent downstairs to play while the adults *talked* For some reason his uncle had a seeming hatred for black people. The boy never ever heard as to why. Just stories that it had something to do with fights while in school. The boy was very fortunate his parents held to no deep prejudices, and when going to drive-ins and playing with other kids in the playground before the movie. He didn't see difference, just another kid to play with. Even in this troubled time, in which his father was caught in the midst as he was an irvinton police officer. He still felt and really was for the most part, safe and secure. This would soon change.

His dad had been a good football player in high school. He was the center. had to be quick,strong,able to take punishment. The boy was tall for his age, but didn't quite grow into his body easily. He tended to be a lil clumsy,awkward and was definitely on the shy side. He tended to be cautious and a lil oversensitive. This mirrored in many ways his grandmother who lived in the house and was a virtual babysitter as both parents worked. She was a huge influence, one that had very major ramifications that went on years after she had passed away. Safe and secure so wanted and sometimes such a prison instead of a sanctuary.

So much fun to watch football on tv with his dad. Roll on the floor and play, act out moves he saw the football players do. One night his dad had his shirt off and the boy noticed a huge red scar very close to the middle of his chest, so close to the heart. What was that from???/ His dad and mom came up with an answer that they said in a joking way, laughing about it as though it were nothing to worry about. He felt a relief hearing that it was nothing really bad or to worry about. What he did not know thn was how his parents had held things back, the real reason for the scar was something that would prove to be a tremendous blow to his having safety and security. More soon.

I hope this was written in an interesting style. Just an attempt to write about personal events with major emotional trauma in a different way than usual. Hope to hear what you think, may it be yea or nay. All comments wanted.

Hunger and Thirst

Amazing how so often many bloggers seem to be walking down simliar paths in what they are focusing on in the life journey. One thing i came across in a book i have been reading was very interesting. It said how we are truly unique individuals in our outer appearance,personality and abilities. However, internally we were all basically the same. We all share the same needs,.desires,pains,and such. This is why we can all relate so well to each other and become so close as we all do have the ability to share each others skin to speak.

Going back to the garden of eden, we see eve was tempted by the sight of the fruit as well as her own desires or lusts to become wise, to become like God. Temptation comes in the same basic way to us all, from our lusts,which are desires. Lust in the Bible does not connote to a sexual meaning all the time. The book of james tells us we are all tempted when we are carried away by our desires that reside in our hearts. The desires themselves are not sinful but can become so if we act on them in a sinful manner,which all of us do countless times, as a result of being captive to this world and this body which are fallen.

Hunger and thirst. For food,sex,love,appreciation,power,status,wealth,affection. The list is endless. We can hunger and thirst for so many things, how do we get ourselves to hunger and thirst for God, His kingdom, His righteousness??? I get alot of different reactions within myself even as i type that question. Of course i hunger and thirst for God how can i not??? So many distractions happen all at once it blocks me, how can i come close to that its just so hard, He is so demanding and He stays silent almost all the time. Distortions of who God is and how He relates to me/us are at the root of this struggle i think.

I know for me i have had a distorted view of God effect me a long time now. I have and know the true view of Him in my mind, yet i have areas from painful experiences which have led me to feel like He is not as He portrays Himself in His Word. Gary over at blessedarethepoorinspirit made a post recently detailing all the various distortions of God i think can be mostly universally shared. I know i want to seek to act in ways that will cause me to deepen in hungering and thirsting for Him. To let Jesus and the Holy Spirit lead me in the ways i need that will make this happen. It hurts so much to reflect how often i let myself get in the way of what He wants to do and how He wants me to enjoy Him. I hope to write more in a story kind of way that allows for a different kind of sharing of the struggles inwardly to just trust and obey, hunger and thirst, live loved and give love openly and with open arms.

We all come from such varying places and are at different crossroads in our journies. i love how touched and heartened i get from reading peoples thoughts, from recieving comments and returning comments back. So good to share the spectrum of emotions and thoughts on here with such a huge audience.