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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Most embarrassing moment

Decided for a lil lighthearted fare on here. All of us have one of these moments... or 2 or more lol my big one happened in high school. I was in the play *One flew over the cuckoo's nest*, playing a crazy psycho...... stop saying typecasting some of you brats!!!!! LOL

To open the second act, i was standing on a bench, arms held out to form a basketball hoop, staring straight ahead with a blank expression. I was wearing a t-shirt and boxers that's all folks!!!! It was first dress rehearsal, and as you know stages for plays require alot of very bright lights for full effect. We finish rehearsal and are listening to the director give us notes on how to improve our performance. He comes to that scene and looks at me.... i notice the asst director,,, a girl on whom i had a MAJOR CRUSH... is laughing into her arm he says in a deadpan voice..... *Robert, please be sure to wear briefs UNDER your boxers from now on* SAY WHAT???????????????? MY MANHOOD WAS VIEWED IN ALL ITS GLORY BY HIM AND THAT GIRL!!!!!!! BLUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

And people say janet jackson at the super bowl was a equipment malfunction!!!!! it took awhile to be able to talk to that asst director without turning red yikes!!!!

health update

had visits to diabetes specialist today and cardiologist all went well!!! Really sucks to have diabetes even though it's type 2 which is mild form. Still means i have to really cut back on sugar which means grrrrrrrrrrrrr POP!!!! One of my friends in seminary used to call me *squishy* because he said i drank so much pop i squished as i walked!!!! When we were little my aunt called me and my sister the *guzzlers*, our cousins were the *gobblers* because we drank so much. I hate that im so addicted to it!!!!! i mean as i sit here and type this my thoughts are a bunch of gripes and moans whining inwardly because i really need to give pop up. Water is just soooooooooooooooooooooooooo BLAH!!!!

My heart is doing well!!! Will do even better if i can lose more weight. i wish i had a device which made me not want to eat anytime i used it, as well as one to make me stop once i reached a certain limit. I developed really bad eating habits when young. Back then i was active all the time, mostly, and had a high metabolism. i used to eat and eat and eat.... never gain a pound!!!!!! Welll things sure changed once college years came. I wish that good food was advertised and made so attractive and appealing like the junk food is!!!! Any of you ever actually watched your heart at work??? or seen pics of your veins and arteries??? WEIRD!!! When i had my angioplasty done, the DR performing it told me to look over at the screen and he showed me the artery that was clogged..... man it was weird!!!!! i kinda went oh nice ok open it please.... (in my head) and laid back down waiting for it to end. God really did a fantastic job of freeing me from fear worry and panic the whole time. I just hope i can do as i need to and get my heart in even better shape pumping strong for another 45 years!!!! :)

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

for kayla

Kayla is undergoing surgery wednesday morning to have her leg removed because of bone cancer. A whole host of people have banded together to pray for her as she readies herself for this procedure. Hard to imagine all she has been feeling and facing while fighting this monster known as cancer. I am very thankful for meeting karen and thru her monica to be able to join in praying for kayla. Almighty GOD wrap Your arms around kayla and instill her with a peace and calm that only can be from You!!!

Monday, August 28, 2006

feelings of terminal illness

In thinking about my dad this idea came to my consciousness. I wonder how he FELT all during the time once he knew he was fully terminal??? i have heard alot of stories about him, stories which acclaim to his strength, courage,humor and endurance. Im sure they were a lil embellished at times because they were told by close friends, fellow cops or family. I know from asking my mom he went through several surguries. One to remove a lung, which left a huge scar on his chest that i can recall seeing. More on his forehead and who knows where else since he had skin cancer. He was a patrol officer in new jersey, near the newark riots when they were going on. I heard stories about him being pinned by snipers and other dangerous scenarios. I can;t imagine being a cop im way too emotionally vulnerable to handle the stress of being a cop.

A vivcid memory i have is of my dad in the pool we had in our backyard, and he played like he was dead, holding his face down in the water floating stiff, not moving. i recall not liking him doing it, even though it was a joke, he did it for extendee periods of time. i had no clue that in reality he WAS dying!!!! I wonder why he would do that??? Our mens group at church last year went through a study of the book *Wild at Heart* a book based on the need for men to recapture the natural wildness of spirit in wanting to take risks and be warriors and cowboys knights seeking to take on challenges and woo fair maidens. Several videos were made with the series to show a group of men along with the author john Eldredge and how they sought to become ... wild at heart. All the men spoke of the relationships they had with their fathers. Most of them were very strained and distant, some even abusive. They became very emotional discussing it. i sat through it all fine didnt even feel anything welling up inside me. Then, the video ended and we were asked to share about what we felt from the video. i started to say something when my throat caught and i just wept,,,,, i couldn't speak.... a torrent of tears. When i finally composed myself enough to speak, i said it was like i had snapshots of my dad... small photos or slides of various activities we did together... and then blank all goes black!!!! None of the guys there really knew whatto say to me so i just kinda composed myself and we finished our meeting.

One of my deepest fears is how dying will feel. i have a very overactive imagination and can imagine drowning, being shot, getting a killer disease,gasping for breath all kinds of stuff. I get more afraid because i know Jesus has saved me and i shouldnt worry about how i will die or what pain i will experience because He went thru it all for me. Yet, it is there!!!! I have spent so many nights on my knees just pleading and begging god to take away my fear of death and of pain sometimes it seems He does by just covering me with His hand and filling me with a peace and comfort only attributed to Him. Yet still the fear rears its ugly head on and off all the time. I take comfort in the facft that John the Baptist, who led the way to declare Jesus God and who baptized Jesus Himself when he was about to be beheaded by King herod sent a messenger to Jesus asking... You are the One right???? LOL Even John the baptist had doubts and fears!!!!! I think often i want the faith OF Jesus rather than the faith IN Jesus!!!!

Long post.... for all who have waded through it all share any thoughts. Im curious if any others, even with the promise and hope of eternal life and salvation...... still struggle with fears and doubts????? It is a very freeing thing this opportunity to share from my heart and soul about life and the living it. Thanks for taking time to stop by and to comment if you feel so led.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

how great is our God!!!

We sang this song in worship service today. We sang it at my friends memorial service a week ago as well. I sit in a lil booth during the worship service because i run the power point, which is a video which displays the song lyrics for the whole congregation to follow along and sing. A cool part of being there is i am up a lil higher than the pews and thus can look out over the congregation watching who keeps their eyes open during prayer time whos not listening during the sermon and fun stuff like that. i also can sit and look at the cross standing prominently in the background. i reflect on Jesus, both hung on the cross dying for us all and then rising again having conquered sin and death and evil once for all!!!!! All of us have our own daily struggles we deal with, some of us deal with things for years, even a lifetime others may be more able to overcome and live in the power he always provides in a much bolder fashion. One thing really hit me today as the entire congrgation sang this song

God loves us as we are sinners through and through... and He works within us and through us and around us to guide us to become as completely aware of His presence and love and grace as He wants for us to have even if it may seem we are helplessly alone and without any sign of his presence HE IS THERE!!!!!


HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This is the emotion i am least familiar with and most afraid of. I have always been a *gentle giant* always been very even-tempered,very long fuse. I am introverted so i think that led to my internalizing all anger at a very young age. I have just thought about this as i have purchased several books on fatherloss and how to accept/grieve/deal with the loss of your father. My dad died when i was 8. He had skin cancer whichj he contracted in the army, and it never went away. My mom was his nurse in the army, that's how they met and eventually married. i always told her it should be a movie. I really am impressed by her courage in marrying someone she knew had a potentially fatal illness and might not live a lonmg time. Love doesn't worry about such things.

I think i bottled up my anger early on because i didnt like feeling it. Also I was always told i might hurt someone because i was strong and big for my age. Like i said in my previous post about *physical appearance* i was often the object of severe teasing or being picked on, some of this had to do with my passive nature im sure. Those doing it wanted to push me to have me react. Instead of fighting back,either physically or verbally, i would just take it. Try to act like it rolled off my back and just wait it out, hoping they woulkd quit soon. I internalized it and directed it at myself which is why i think i have had high blood pressure from a very young age as well as having fear and anxiety. i think my fear comes from not knowing how to deal with anger. i had one instance in college, a guy came over messing around, started to run his hands over my head and face i was sitting i na chair, he grabbed me and kept doing it. i warned him to stop and he wouldnt something snapped in me like a return to 7th grade and i jumped up and took a hard swing, barely missing his head. He looke at me wide-eyed and began apologizing, i think if i had connected it would have taken his head off. i was shaking after for a long time hated feeling like that. i find it easy to get aggravated over silly stuff like waiting at a traffic light, my machine at work not working right, vewnding machine taking my money- you know small stuff. i really have a very tought time understanding how to correctly handle anger.. so much so i dont even let myself feel it as best i can. Another control issue im sure.

Can anger and fear be closely intertwined??? Can fear be a mask hiding anger from being expressed???? have to think out loud here. i am a psychologist in the making.... half a Masters degree completed but this is a foreign area for me blind spot or blocked spot i guess. Any other who share a similar struggle???? Is anger something you are comfortable with???? i hope these books on fatherloss may provide me insights and releases emotionally i have somehow missed. Look forward to responses as always!!!

Saturday, August 26, 2006


I HATE IT!!! I don't know why but ever since 3rd grade I have just really hated math. I have NEVER taken algebra, geometry,or any other math beyond multiplication and division. Word problems.... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR dont get me started!!!!! Just either have a block for some reason or i just am a dunce in trying to work them out. Who cares what time 2 trains would meet if each left a certain place going a certain speed??? as long as they arrive!!!!!!!! AARGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

i was just thinking of something a lil different to write about and this popped to mind...... anyone out there who LOVES math??? why???? Does algebra and word problems come easy??? teach me show me how to make it easy to conceive!!!! For some reason english always came easy even with all the rules of grammar and such. Ok that's my vent...... hope your all enjoying a fun weekend!!!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

More on physical appearance

I wasn't able to get all my thoughts down in the first post si i thought i would add more. Thanks barbara,karen and a thinker for your responses. Thinker you brought out an excellent point and one I was trying to get at in part of my post. Attractive people have just as tough a time as unattractive people do in many ways for alot of the reasons you shared. Just because others consider you attractive doesn't automatically translate into you having that same opinion. I want to add a caveat in that attraction is a very subjective dynamic as the old cliche goes .... *beauty is in the eye of the beholder* Although objectively there are seeming *norms* of how overall society at large judges attractivness and its opposite.

I have always wanted to discover who it was that came up with the phrase *sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me* and bind them to a chair, have a nonstop barrage of various people of all ages and gender just unload as many names and verbal vitriol as they possibly could and see how he views that idea after experiencing that!!!!! I was always a naturally well-built and muscular kid even at a very young age, it was pure lucky genes believe me.... i was much too lazy to work out that hard lol. I grew up half of my life in new jersey and was on a block with mostly older kids. As the youngest one i was usually singled out for being beat up or physically harassed anytime they felt like it or wanted to blow off steam. it was no big deal to me i could take almost anything they gave me and just shook it off pretty easy, but call me names and belittle me about my looks or something else that might have been a quirk in me I caved in faster than a speeding bullet!!! I always wondered why it was i had such a strong physique but so tender and soft a emotional base.

My whole point in sharing all this is to just have the whole subject in writing so i can reflect and hopefully gain from any and all of you who care to chime in. I am comfortable with my appearance now. I want to make sure i'm not coming across like i'm seeking to dwell on my hurt from having gone through what i did, far from it. it IS healing still to openly discuss it.

I'm sure more reflections on this subject will come across my frazzled brain in time and i'll make further updates then. I again thank those who commented thus far, hope to have many more pass through and do the same :)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

physical appearance

Definitely a relevant topic eh??? i have had had thoughts on this subject percolating on and off for awhile now, decided to finally tackle it . I always find it interesting when people ask.... *what kind of girl/guy interests you, physically speaking?????* For one because I have found so many DO have a certain 'type' that is the most appealing to them. Also, i DON'T have a specific *type* i look for. i am a big guy, *muscular teddybear* is my way of putting it. I carry it well, i played football and have always had muscle and a larger frame soi it helps. I have gone out with and been attracted to women of all sizes shapes and looks. Blonde,brunette,redhead,multi-colored hair LOL short,long hair thin, BBW, rubenesque and on it goes.

I was always a "cute" kid growing up.... had what so many older ladies called *that gorgeous hair* blonde and very curly my cheeks still are sore from the pinches (yes it happened alot) I was lucky to have a high metabolism and remain very thin as well. All was good until..... 1973 turning 12 moving from jersey to california LA the OC..... right near the beach what happened????? ACNE

I was a brand new kid in 7th grade prime age where kids are the meannest and most ready to pick out physical things that stick out. Every day all day at school constant references to *pizza face* zitman* and other equally endearing terms. Finally it went away in my sophomore year at high school but the inner scars from looking that way and being called ugly in so many ways it was very hard to NOT still see/feel myself as i looked at 12. I'm 45 now STILL have pain from that period of life i struggle with on and off. Weird eh????

Some other blogs ive read where this subject has been talked about spurred me to share on this. I'm not writing to display bitterness or anger over having had the bad acne nor how i was treated, but to think about how physical appearance really does affect us. i know alot of people who would be deemed *physically stunning* who feel anything but because of various reasons, one being that they feel like a mannequin who are only a body and flesh no one sees or cares their *inner real self*. Tragic because those of us who either feel/believe we are *ugly8 or just are termed that by others also believe much the same, no one sees our *true inner selves* because all the focus is on our body and flesh. Those who have a disease or chronic illness that affects their appearance, those who are down's syndrome, those who have been deformed by a fire or accident of some kind.

i guess i just wanted to throw some thoughts out in the open to just reflect. I hated that i was seen as just being an *acne-face* and no one cared to go past that. I hate that anyone has to deal with being seen as an *it* of any kind. The true *us* doesn't involve the physical at ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you have any thoughts??? Ideas on how you have dealt with this??? I like to think there is a wide variety of opinion on this subject out there It will be very intriguing to see the replies. Thank you for all who stop by and who choose to comment they are inspirations all!!!!

Monday, August 21, 2006

objective & subjective

These are 2 key aspects of how we operate in our living of this thing called life. We live now in what has been termed *post-modernism* which means culturally we lean alot more heavily to the subjective/experiential side of the pendulum, as opposed to *modernism* where we leaned more to the objective/rational side. Seem history shows that we sway back and forth as opposed to being equally balanced which seems to make sense, unique creation that we are.

I had a coworker who was an atheist, and he would claim he was on the objective side being a firm believer in science and fact. He flat out rejects any evidences for God's existence no matter how solid they might be. Since he is a finite human and doesnt possess omniscience nor omnipotence which means he can't be everywhere and know everything his atheism by default places him in the subjective realm. He claimed all religion is subjective and based on peoples need to have something to deal with their fears and personal failures. I have to agree with him in certain aspects, like instances where christians claim God spoke to them, or that the Spirit led them to a certain action or conviction. however, Jesus Christ WAS born to the virgin Mary, grew up in nazareth as a normal man and carried out His ministry on earth for all to see, as well as being publicly crucified and made public appearances after His resurrection. Now of course atheists as well as those who don't believe in Jesus would deny His resurrection and deity. They cannot deny His existence however, for even noted historians such as Josephus, who was NOT a christian nor follower of Christ, had to record the truth of history which was Jesus life He lived while here on earth.

I have just thought about this alot, especially more after just losing a friend to death. I think its vital we examine whether or not our beliefs and truth claims made in any area of life are objective or subjective and just how reliable they are to fall back on. For all the furor evoked by Christianity, the objective truth is Jesus, NOT mohammad. buddha,krishna, or any other religious figure or claim to godhood, ever became one of us and DIED for US coming back to prove He LOVES us!!!!!! Just something to make you go.. hmmmmmmm

Thursday, August 17, 2006

God is an AWESOME GOD !!!!!!!

Had a memorial service tonight for a friend who recently passed on to paradise. Awesome God was his favorite praise song. He had a ton of physical ailments, challenges all through his life and he maintained a positive spirit no matter what whether it be heart attacks blood clots stroke you name it he endured it!!!!! As we sang worship songs and shared memories of patrick...... the reality of the fact he is now literally enjoying being in the personal presence of God the Father and Jesus WOW!!!!!! AMAZING!!!!! Life sure does make no sense at times and seems to just deal blow aftyer crushing blow but just realizing there is a Personal Loving Almighty God who DOES have the whole thing under control WOW!!!!!!!!!! I cannot even fathom God not being there not being real all the worries doubts and fears i struggle with cant compare to the bottomline realization.... HE IS REAL......... HE LOVES ME!!!! HE LOVES EVERY PERSON HE CREATED!!!!! Most important..... HE LOVES NO MATTER WHAT WE DO OR THINK!!!!!!

Jesus left eternal perfection with the Father and the Holy Spirit..... to become one of US a normal flesh and blood human He lived experiencing every single thing we do except He endured it ALL and He willingly died taking the penalty that should have been OURS so we all could have the life He created us to have that will NEVER EVER get old and cliche.


Tuesday, August 15, 2006

we don't need to wait for the Second Coming

This is a follow-up to my preterism post. The reason why we don't need to wait???? HE

CAME BACK ALREADY!!!! When jerusalem was destroyed by the roman army in 70 AD,

that was the end of the Old Covenant and the whole MosaicLaw and sacrificial system. Jesus

brought in the New Covenant, where we ALL can come to God, through Jesus as our ulti-

mate sacrifice once for all. He is here, right now, in all who trust and believe in Him as Lord

and Savior. The Bible was written to specific groups of people, especially the New Test-

ament. Paul, Peter, John as well as the Gospel authors identify who they are writing to in the

opening paragraph of their letters. The christians of the 1st century were the direct

audience of the NT writers, with the goal being to strengthen support and encourage

them in their faith and in realizing Jesus was coming again SOON..... to demonstrate to

them His absolute authority and truth of being Lord and Savior as He had proclaimed.

The Bible was not written *to us*, it was written *for us*. Everything prophesied in

the Bible has been fulfilled including the Great Commission!!!! A key to knowing how

this is so resides in understanding language style and genre. A major part of OT writings

is poetic as well as apocalyptic and symbolic. It is also covenantal language, speaking

more locally about the Israelites as Gods people and their land as opposed to universally

dealing with the whole world. One prime example, is Noah's flood. It was localized to the

area which Noah and the Israelites inhabited as opposed to being a global flood. A

look at archaeology, geology and the existence of various animal groups are evidence to

show this was the case. Tim Martin has done extensive research on this, google him

to read more conclusive details if your interest is sparked.

I will add more soon, just wanted to lay a few foundations here as to the fact we don't

need to wait for Jesus or a rapture...... He is here NOW wanting us all to enjoy the

reality of His truth,grace and love as we live our lives guided by His Spirit!!!!!

If you want to know more on this whole idea... go to www.eschatology.org this site

is FULL of information which everyone will be eager to soak in!!!!!! Whatever your

belief system, i hope you take a look at this and consider the evidence...... ki really think

it will be well worth your time and effort!!!

Thursday, August 10, 2006


This is my profile according to Myers-Briggs. Cool thing is its the rarest of all the types!!!! Oh how fun to be rare!!!!! LOL It does make a lot of sense when i read the explanation of how my personality works. i have always been able to pick up on people thoughts and inner feelings in a deeper way than normal at times.... but this type is like that..... as well as other traits. I wonder what many of you are out there come by and let me know fun stuff!!!!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I have not come to call the righteous

Jesus spoke those words when asked about why He hung around *sinners* as the pharisees accused Him of. The rest of what He said was that he came for those who were sick and in need not the righteous. I came across a wonderful lady who had a post on her blog about a friend she had known a long time who claimed to have a divine healing and afterwards began laying judgement upon this lady over all kinds of things basically telling her she was a sinner who needed to change and do it as she told her. Talk about seeing a speck in anothers eye and missing the log in her own!!!!!

I am a fully committed christian and seek to share my inmost heart on here issues i face i feel others might as well and various other things. I definitely hope I display the grace and love of Jesus in myh postings no matter WHO it may be reading or posting. I hurt deeply for this good lady i mentioned before she even sought to reach out in love to this person DESPITE how she was being attacked by her!!!! There are many things we can become passionate about politically, relationally,spiritually,environmentally ... you name it.

I am always humbled to see how many times people carry out incredible acts of kindness and love as well as mercy and justice even when not declaring Jesus name or God at all. Jesus and the Father LOVE us as WE ARE!!!!. They dont expect us to have it ALL TOGETHER before They love us and accept us...... Their love draws us to mature more and more as we carry on in life. I just had it impressed upon me to show His love anmd grace in even more direct ways hopefully in ways that can bring smiles and cheer to people and let them know they are incredibly special awesome people simply because they ARE!!!!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

obsessive thoughts

I have been thinking about this after talking with someone who experiences this on a large scale. I wonder how common it is???? i know i have bouts with thoughts that seem obsessive at various times and especially when I have something im scared to face or deal with various obsessive ideas dwell inside my mind on and off and its like i wish i had a switch where i could just turn them off!!!! I tend to have hypochondriac tendencies as it is so this only adds to that. if i get a headache, it must be a brain tumor or aneurysm..... chest pain heart attack.... as well as a myriad of other possible illnesses. One of the problems of having a wild imagination is imagining any number of bizarre sicknesses or diseases happening to you although it can be comical attimes as well.

Jesus tells us to give all our cares to Him and the Father Apostle paul says to be anxious for nothing God has everything under control. Why does this not work out practiacally on a daily basis???? I believe and know God is in full control and that nothing can separate me from His love which is in Christ Jesus..... but at an emotional/relational level i still so often find ways to worry fret and be anxious as well as obsess ,,,,,, even worse i then start worrying about worrying ai yi yi craziness LOL

Any similar experiences for all of you out there????? Insight and understanding always encouraged!!!!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

My hero

She is a true lover of life she makes people feel like they have known her forever after just meeting them she knows how to make people feel at ease as well as challenging them to share and to grow she makes me seek to grow and to remembe to know its one step at a time... this hero or heroine..... si my sister kathy.

She has lived more in her 42 years than many ever do into their 90s and she actually survived some of it!!! LOL She is a beautifully delightful person who has 2 awesome kids *proud uncle here* and she has grown into a deeply spiritual follower of our Lord Jesus Christ and demonstrates His love and grace in very genuine ways to almost everyone she comes in contact with. Pretty incredible when i think back and recall how she once told me (and she doesnt remember this but I DO) I became a christian first and once told her God will use you one day youll see.. and she said nope never gonna happen with me.... or words to that effect.... LOL I know He will tell her upon meeting her in eternity You are trouble though!!!! hahahahhaahah had to do it!!!

Love you cool kat!!!! The tough times happen like large waves at times as they are now..... but i know you will come through bright and shining cause you know the One in control of all of it and the waves and storms might get really HUGe and scary and painful.... but you will always see it through!!!!! Just had to share these proud and encouraging thoughts from my heart to you!!!!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


I have been reading various articles and seeing what they say about this topic. many focus on the OT law and say that we as believers are to still carry out obeying the Law because Jesus says *He who loves me will keep my commandments* ok..... and here's where I have my insides turn and churn and make me feel like a sponge being squeezed. Who the heck EVER fully obeys???? Seriously!!!!! Isnt the whole reason Jesus came and lived as one of us..... lived a perfect HUMAN life...... is because ONLY HE COULD????? Scripture tells us nothing we do can please God NOTHING But everything Jesus did pleases Him 100%!!!! God accepts us and saves us bringing us back to relationship with Him because He sees us IN HIS SON!!! Those who keep the law must keep it all!!!! Sheesh people am i insane or is it impossible and against living in faith and grace to think we can perfectly obey??? So...... the dilemma..... we disobey all the time especially in our thoughts im sure let alone behavior..... and Jesus tells us if we love Him we wil obey Him..... is this tension or what??? I trust God loves us in all our failure and weakness because He sent Christ to come and die for us..... WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS!!!!! I just get twisted and torn here all the time on this issue and especially when i hear sermons..... read articles or bo9oks or commentaries where the preacher or missionary or whoever hits nonstop on if we are to be true believers and lovers of Christ........ we will obey. PERIOD. Where is grace in this attitude???? Jesus command is to love and He transforms us from selfish sinners into holy unselfish believers....

Hope to hear from many of you see how this strikes you and what you make of it. Hope you are all finding ways to stay cool wherever you are sure do hate the heat lol be well all and rest in His arms!!!!

further up further in!!!

All you Chronicles of Narnia fans out there will recognize that battlecry!!!! I think this is what Jesus would want us to have as our motto once we arrive in eternity with Him. To be more than just content to have *made it* but to have the hunger and sense of adventure to discover all that He and the Father and the Holy Spirit have in store for us for the rest of our existence with Them. I really wish alot of the time that the Holy Spirit was able to be like a pill you come to prayer and ask Him to fill you and He works like a drug giving you INSTANT FULLNESS OF THE TRINITY!!!!!

I begin to understand the Israelites of the Old Testament more and more each day. They heard God speak to Moses and themselves!!!! They saw the parting of the red sea...... many other miracles....... recieved the manna and YET......they created an idol of the golden calf even as Moses was recieving the 10 commandments!!!!! God dwelt with them as they wandered the wilderness awaiting the promised land and STILL they spurned Him and worshipped idols. I slap myself inwardly because i see how I, with the Bible and Holy Spirit to be my guide,,,,,, with Jesus presence which brings me to go into the Fathers Presence to actually be in the *holy of holies* because Jesus established a New Covenant and STILL......I find myself turning to idols o they are more refined and polished than the golden calf of the iraelites yet its just a bizarre and unfathomable. Stupid sinful nature..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrr drives me crazy that the more i grow closer to him and seek to surrender myself more completely the more i become all too painfully aware of my sin sickness and how i just miss the mark daily over and over again in so many ways.

HALLELUJAH!!!!! Jesus love and grace truth and power like paul says frees me and saves me from the body of this death!!!1 Amazingly he always shows me how awesome He is and tender and loving in His disciplining of me to help me mature I cannot fathom living life without Him!!!! The intense awareness of my condition due to sin,,,,,, just causes me to be in awe at His forgiveness and grace...... to NOT have that yikes!!!!! Scarier than any horror movie or serial killer could ever come up with!!!!!


Tuesday, August 01, 2006

how we see God the Father

I wrote a post discussing similar themes a week or so ago, one person left a comment saying it helped stir a memory she wanted to deal with. One of the greatest things about blogging is you never know who might be helped in some way by what you write. I have read alot of books on emotional healing and some talking about how we see God the Father in distorted ways depending upon abuse we may have experienced as kids or the failings within our parents or adult relatives we were close too.

I know for me, I have a hard time connecting in am emotionally healthy way with thinking about my human father as he died when i was 8. I DO have lots of slides, photos and even a silent video of him to look at anmytime i wish, but i have NO recall as to how his voice sounded,,,, no memory of just how he was overall as a person. I think this has impacted my view of God the Father as i grew up. I have often found him to seem/feel distant and hard to capture relationally/emotionally. Being a christian and maturing over the years has helped this a great deal but it still has lingering effects when i pray at times or when im in certain moods and such. One of the main struggles ive had is facing death. Jesus overcame death which is what makes Him Lord and Savior and separates Him from any others. I KNOW intellectually and from His Word the power and victory He brings in removing fear.... i guess my deeper struggle is with .... have Ai believed enough??? is my faith as He wants it to be??? Death only happens once..... no second chances one you pass on over...... what if ive messed it up somehow and dont know how to fix it????/ These are wacky thoughts Im sure but i have a book i need to finish called the *Thomas Factor* Thomas was one of the 12 and he, even AFTER all the other 11 told him they saw Jesus alive he STILL DOUBTED!!!! The book especially talks about *emotional doubts* the *what if's* which seem to hang around incessantly like a bad smell. Everytime I take time to just clear my head and contemplate any other possibility Jesus truth ALWAYS stands up as it should. I just wondered if the rest of you have similar dealings emotionally.relationally.rationally with how you see God and maintaining intimacy and true understanding of Him. Hope I dont come across as a wild crazy neurotic blathering my insanity aimlessly LOL

Come one come all!!!! Leave your pearls of wisdom as you wish!!!