seeking to change

Alot of us have been talkin gabout our travels on the journey with God. Some very similar themes in alot of our lives. I think it is one of the greatest joys and blessings God uses blogging to accomplish in helping us develop a sense of community. Just because we are not face to face or in person doesnt lessen the reality of it. challenging each other, encouraging, pushing exhoring,and any other way to do it. I want to take the risk and the step to seek these things in an open way from any and all who desire to after reading any of my posts. I know many prayers from some of you have worked very mightily in helping me attimes. i wantto seek that and also be one who is there for any who want it.

i work with a lot of younger guys. Im 45, they are all in their early mid or late 20s. They are fun but stil very much have a high school/college mentality- go out get drunk go to strip clubs play poker and the cycle continues. I am the odd one out as far as those acxtivities go which is cool. i get along with them fine for the most part. But there are 2 who seem to take a special glee in getting my goat, for no ther reason than to do it!!! They will make comments about me concerning something i did or said or something to do with my apperance, mostly weight. Because of my past i am just easily triggered by those kinds of comments, especially when i sense it coming in a condescending manner. i KNOW they do it to get a reaction i KNOw it!!!!!! yet i still cannot seem to just let it roll off my back and ignore it or laugh at it. i have tried to and when i do they just try harder to make me react. i have tried to reason with them and tell them it bothers me and i dont deserve to be talked to like that, they act like im being too sensitive and being to touchy or a baby about it. It bothers me so much i guess because i want to just let it go but at the sametime i want to NOT just letthem think im there for their amusement to use as a target for their desire to put someone down.

My point here...... suggestions...... anyone have a similar experience??? All suggestiuons are welcome. I want to know if Im just making too much out of it, am i just needing to chill>???? How do i just let it go and not have emotional reaction or get upset and angry over it???/ i let it bug me to the point i get grumpy and lose enjoying my time at work, because im so caught up with how do i handle their next comment or how can i NOT let it upset me??? i hope this isnt coming across as a whining thing i definitely am not seeing it that way. i just want to turn it over to God the way i need to and be over it. Thanks for reading and for amy prayers and comments you care to make.

yes to getting well

i just read the latest post on my friend barbaras blog at prodigal daughter. She refers to Jesus confronting the lame man by the pool and asking him if he wanted to be well. Bjk at in the quiet also had a compelling post today. I am trying to sort through all the protons neutrons and whatever other ons are inside my brain seeking what i need to take from the wisdom within their posts. I do want to be well but so often I make choices which conflitc with that. I have areas i need to change or repent from and yet find myself goiung back to them for no clear reason. i want to be one who thirsts and hungers after righteousness and His kingdom, but i so often settel or turn to other things. Part of me gets blocked because I start to seek to focus on changes I want to make or new directions I believe He is leading me towards, and i become stuck in my head. I have so many thoughts so much i want to do i just become paralyzed by all the stuff running inside me. Anyone else experiences this????

I know for me the renewing and transforming of my mind is something that has taken on new meaning this past year. A whole lot of my theological understanding and basic ways of seeing things has become one of flux meaning i am in a state of wonderment seeking to find level ground which I want to come from Him. How do I get to the place where I AM fully seeking righteousness and hungering after God???? Where i am seeking His kingdom and His righteousness first???? All this while living life as it needs to be lived. Just how is that anyhow??? Francis Schaeffers classic *How Should We Then Live?* I need to reread that again, its been a long time. I want to give God that heart ready response *do with me anything You want i trust You* and wonder just what that does involve as i do it???? I am so used to analyzing and secondguessing and being cautious, I need to learn how to thin kand act in ways which make these desires an active pursuit I can recognize and know Im doing. I am so glad there are many of you out here pursuing the same pathways on the journey. I know some of the answers to prayers have been YOUR blogs!!!!! I pray that sometimes what i share is an answer to someones prayer because that is a major motivation to blog at all to have God use it!!!!!!!!!! I pray the resistance i have in me that tries to keep me from moving closer and more yielded to God will lessen and lessen as i DO develop a deep deep thirst and hunger for Him and His righteousness!!!!

thoughts and wonderings

Is God trustworthy??? That is the million dollar question isn't it???? I think the key theme of the book of Job is this question. With everything that happens in life, is God ultimately who He says He is???? Gary at *blessed are the poor in spirit* has written mamy an excellent post considering this subject and has a most recent one up right now. This question is scratching exactly where i itch right now. A part of me is like DOH of COURSE He is!!!!!!!!! He is the Almighty Living God His Word His SOn the Holy Spirit His Creation all demonstrate very decidedly that He is trustworthy and exactly as He claims Hinself to be.

But oh yes that inevitable but. A scared kid in me wonders, where were you when my dad got cancer??? when those older kids abused me??? when the holocaust happened?? when serial killers go on long rampages??? WHERE WERE YOU?????!!!! I have very solid deep answers to these questions BUT they satisfy my MIND. My heart, my emotional core, still struggles to get a grip on the reality of where He was and IS. I do have times and have had some incredible ones, where i just weep uncontrollably pouring out my need and pain and hurt to Him. or just wanting to let go and connect. He makes His presnece FELT!!!!!!1 The most wonderful amazing joyful times i have had in life are those where God allowed me to embrace His Presence in a very peronal way. So............ why do I still struggle sooooooooooooo much with just turning to Him, obeying Him. loving Him????? I wish i had answers to this. I seek to be used by Him to represent Him to follow Him and yet i still resist so often. I sit and contemplate so many things and also just wonder why I am afraid why i hold back.

I wonder if the why is because i am all too aware of my sinfulness and the sins i struggle with daily. of course, we all do, all struggle with sin all the time everyday. He has and does forgive us our sins as we confess them, yet i have a very tyrannical inner voice that makes me feel as though i were the worst sinner in all of history and will never be able to know the freedom and joy of my salvation and His grace. i swear at times i think in my head can i jsut realize and be glad and enjoy my salvation>??? i have such an intricate 8works* mentality so deep inside myself. I know and stand absolutely on salvation by grace thru faith all done by Christ. yet, this assassin of the spirit inside me always seeks to shut this down from my living in it as the truth it is. Help me Almighty God to realize as You reveal Yourself to accept and bathe myself in You Your love and grace!!!!!!!!!!!!

saint and sinner at once

I have a few of Brennan Mannings books. I love his writing style and his willingnes to be so transparent. One thing that stands out to me from his books is how he shares that we are both saint and sinner at the sanetime. He points out the misconceptions of black/white thinking,especially concerning ourselves. His words are always filled with grace.

Grace as a theological concept and divine favor of God is very real and true to me. I can very fully wrap my mind heart and soul around it. yet, as a reality in myself, i find it like a mirage. I think i see it but then it disappears. I am studying catholicism in a sunday school class right now. Last week we covered confession. I grew up in the Roman Catholic Church. I remember alot of it. Walking in dipping hand in the holy water, making sign of the cross. Alot of sit stand kneel pray. First Communion was a Big Deal!!!!!!!! My godparents were there to see mine. i remember feeling in awe of going in front of the church and taking the communion. The priest says something in latin and places the wafer on your tongue. I liked a few hymns i recall as well Praise Ye the Lord the Almighty and Sons of God very solid theology in those hymns even though Jesus was never discussed from my memory. i do know i took catechism serious. I used to tell kids whenever they cussed not to or they might go to hell!!!!!!1 WOW Sounds odd why cussing hit me so hard but it did. i have always said chump bum shoot and other replacements, never picked up cussing habit.

Catholics are taught such a load of junk regarding confession. Go in the box confess to the priest and do penance. Make yourself right with God. DOH!!!!!! First of all, Jesus and ONLY Jesus can make anyone right with God. Second, as it declares in Hebrews, christians are a *priesthood of believers* We are ALL PRIESTS!!!!!!!!!!! No human can do anything in themselves to earn favor or standing with God GRACE!!!!!!!!!!! Grace in Romans is what set Martin Luther off on founding the Protestant Reformation. i feel like i have carried that *works* confession mentality deep inside me and it stil laffects my relationship with God. I sometimes feel like i dont know if His love is unconditional, that i can do something to make Him love me less. Catholicism hlods to mortal and venial sin a hierarchy. I have had enough exposure to various theological positions to make my head spin nad the one that does the most is one which holds God created some people who are born damned. Yes, that is right born with no hope for salvation, because they are just made that way. I totally disagree with this view and cant fathom how it fits with the nature and character of God. Still, in weaker moments of which i have many, it messes with my head alot.

I am very much like my friend barbara describes so well in her blog. i am a boy in a mans body. I do not know just how to *get over* this lack i have of being a fully emotionally/spiritually mature man. I have times where i just want to ignore God, to let Him just be there and do certain things i wantto do. i have times where i want to do nothing but rest in His arms. I struggle to understand His love and grace in a personal way alot of it i think due to my father dying at a young age. I always tried to bury emtions down deep and i successfully have . Iam the one who counsles others, who is there to let others fall apart. I think I saw this as an escape mechanisn as well as just a way of being Ai had top adapt. I need to seek God wrestle with Him constantly so i will have the relationship with Him He tells me He wants in His Word. I have a very hard time finding the courage to do that. Something in me wants to hide even as iKNOW its the greatest gift of all!!! i am so thankful to see others who share a similar struggle. I pray i will grow to seek Him more and more as He helps me mature. it might not be the way i want ti to go, but i pray he does and is leading me, using me, helping me to move into more emotional /spiritual maturity.

Just Do It

Sermon theme in church today was commitment. Pastor made the point that most of us, even as believers, are mainly committed to : OURSELVES!! Selfishness is alive and well in the Church, after all we are still stuck battling our old natures in these broken vessels. I began thinking of how I act selfishly and to rnd it as i saw it happening. One weird thing that struck me is that i can be selfish in inactive ways. Instead of doing something for myself, I dont do something, because i feel im too weak, someone wont like it, im scard, etc etc etc. I am am introvert and see the world and handle life from that viewpoint. I act as though I need God to jolt me somehow and spell out in a very direct specific way what i am to do. The Holy Spirit needs to be a joy buzzer buzzing me to lead me how i should go and what i am to do.

I have to sit back and laugh as i reflect on what i just wrote because I love the joke about the man stuck on a cliffside he yells for God to recue him, as a plane a boat and someone else came by to help. He told them all no God would save him finally God told the fool I sent you a plane a boat and a something what else do you want???? LOL Why is it I think/feel like God has to use some kind of special sensation somehow for me to know what Im to do???? I think its a device I developed intrinsically a long time ago to avoid pain and rejection by people or life events. I have my mind running constantlyu nonstop so many different directions. I have read the book *Decision-making and the Will of God* by gary friesen (great book btw) and still I struggle with realizing my tendency to do this. I let my mind fill with so many questions, so many, as awareness so eloquently said in a great post, *what-ifs* as well as second-guesses, that opportunity has flown by as i sat and wondered in my head.

I had an ok time in high school. I never learned to like math, was very good at english, handled everything else ok. Theater was my main thing though. I lived and breathed it. it was where i could escape from the pain i had endured in jr high, of being outcast and seen as the *ugly kid* or other type epithets. Acting, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what a great find!!!! I must say, there is nothing quite like the rush you get when you hear a full audience applaud you. i total;ly understand why actors and actresses are often some of the most insecure,shy and neurotic people. Because acting is ESCAPE FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!! being on that stage you become ANYONE and everyone sees you and applauds you and wants more!!!!!!!! it is also very selfish at the core because it caters to the ego. I wonder what if sometimes about had i pursued an acting career. i think i would have been a good character actor. i can do comedy as well as drama any of you in cali like my buddy barbara may recall wally george????? Rebecca demornays dad. He was a wacky rightwing talk show host, a friend and I used to parody him. Saturday night live would have been fun well i can dream LOL

I was not sure exactly what i wanted to do after high school. i decided to go to jr college. i majored in psych. At the same time i had started an internship with my youth minister to learn to become a youth minister. It wasa great experience, although i found myself very challenged by trying to teach and lead jr high and high school kids with my introverted nature and my own inner pain still strongly felt from my own experiences in those years. I was able to do very well in jr college, even made the deans list and had a 4.0 first time ever!!!!1 i had many of my instructors encourage me to go on and pursue psych at a 4 year school and that i showed good potential as a counselor. I also had desires to be a minister thinking it was about the best way to serve God. I prayed and prayed for what direction to go, where i thought God wanted me to go. I ended up choosing Bible College and Youth Ministry as my degree. By the time i arrived at my sr year i was convinced Youth Ministry was not the right career choice for me. I ached inside wondering why and how i had made the wrong decision back when i was graduating from jr college. Why didnt God make sure i made the right choice. Hmmmmmm guess it could be that He wants for me to live frelly and make my own decisions leaning on Him of course, but still owning my choices. I wish i had sought more wisdom and guidance from others back then. Of course i might have made the same wrong choices which have me in the position career-wise Im in now. hard to say.

I have a background in minsitry,psych and counseling. Half a masters in pastoral counseling. I work as a mail clerk. Mindless work. i still pay on my last student loan to the Seminary i went to before i had to drop out due to losing my job. i have been at this job now 15 years. i have had some good ministry opportunities working alongside a mormon , jehovahs witness, scientologist as well as basic pagans. I wonder about being able to pursue a different career move though im 45 still young enough. Kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place though, Need time and money to get another degree as well as pursue anothe career or line of work. I make close to 15 $ an hour. Very good in this economy right now. I have a good ministry in my church thats voluntary and i really enjoy. Does just do it apply???? have any of you faced a similar situation??? Or do you right now??? I sure would love to hear some wise words. Anyone who would like to plz feel free to email me i have it on my profile page. Anyone anytime, if you ever would like to talk offline, plz email me!!!! I cant say how great it is to hear encouragement or even challenge from people. Thank you all for stopping by and reading!!!!

Food

One of the things we MUST have to live, and yet one of the things that causes sooooooooooooo much pain,heartache,frustration as well as joy,bliss and you name it. it amazes me at how little time food actually spends on our tongues. Some can take lots of time chewing and savoring every bite. I would like to be that way lol i tend to be a gobbler though, devouring my food in rapid-like fashion. Food has come to the forefront for me very recently in the past year due to being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I am just a lil above the normal level for my blood sugar, but high enough i have meds to keep it under control. Drink is actually wayyyyyyyyyyyy tougher for me than food. Im a true pop addict, 7-UP, Pepsi,Fruit Punch. I have made major inroads into drinking water alot more but its soooooooooooo tough. That taste og pop on my tongue i sadly admit must be like how alcohol or drugs taste or feel to those who consume them. I just pray and seek to have water become more and more what i choose day by day.

i saw on 20/20 friday night, an expose about LA weight loss. People who used to be diet counselors for them admitting tey knew nothing about helping people lose weight nor about nutrition or anything!!!! They were trained and told to SELL SUPPLEMENTS!!!!!!!! MAKE MONEY!!!! They were told to use persoanl info about the people who were prospective clients in order to make them feel bad and thus lur them into buying more products!!!!!!!!! I just wondered why our food industry is not built around health and nutrition its built around junk and MONEY!!!!! Mcdonalds supposedly made a more healthy list of menu items BUT they are majorly unhealthy overall. i wish we could do more like Tony Campolo and join big corporations in order to have a voice where we could seek to influence for change so that hunger would not be so rampant across the world and so that these companies would seek to be less moneydriven and more humanity driven in all the ways they choose to manage their businesses.

On another personal note, Ai also have diverticulitis which affects my digestion and how food breaks down inside. Alot of *good foods* are actually a problem for me because of this. bad enough im already limited as to all the foods i really should eat. Now i have this added!!!!!!!!!!! YIKES!!!! Chicken anyone?????? I hope they dont have chicken in Heaven i will have had more than my share here tyvm!!!!!!!!1

trust and obey

That is the title of a very good hymn as well as the gist of the Gospel. Trust God Obey God. i just wish it happened for me as easy as it sounds singing the hymn. Iwish the Bible gave more insight into the inner workings of the minds of its characters. What were the thoughts of Abram as he led Isaac up to where he was to sacrifice him???/ Of Noah as he awaited the Great Flood, of Moses as he dealt with the grumbling Isrealites. Did they have constant nagging emotional/spiritual struggles inside themselves that were invisible to all but God???? They must have as humans, just wish i had more access to it.

I dont understand completely why i struggle withthese things. i know partly as i have written on in previous posts. I also realize i have to accept my brokenness as a sinful human even as a christian i still have that old nature which will battle against the Holy Spirit always. I tend to wander inside my head and get stuck often wondering why i allowed myself to commit this or that sin make this or that wrong choice thinking i already knew better and yet still did it. I find myself doing it day by day as well and everyone else it seems as well. We know better...... yet we all STILL commit sin sometimes the same sin and we just dont fathom why????? i really wish Paul expounded alot more on the verse where he talks about his failure to do the right thing and still do the wrong thing. Was it a daily failure???? Same one over and over for years????? i just don't know.

My whole fear thing is a wonder to, I have experienced Gods love and grace to assuage it alot, yet it still comes up. i wish i had learned how to handle fear when i was younger. i am one of those who bury things inside. Anger and fear get buried. Unles they overwhelm me to the point i just leak them out in the open. i find myself crying very easily at movies this past year, way more than ever before. Scenes of deep love or any kind of expression of heartfelt affection and compassion, forgiveness, grace and mercy. They knock me out. i think its because i hunger for that so deeply inside. I want that kind of intimate relationship yet feel unable to give whats needed to establish it in the way it needs.

Its freeing to share so openly on here yet also troubling. Wish I were able to emotionally manage my pain in actuality than i do. i am able to function normally in working carrying out responsibilities and being a friend and encourager. The battle is far different within though. O to have the ability like Paul talks about in being singleminded, counting everything else as loss except for knowing Christ. Being content in any and every circumstance no matter what it is pain joy good times hard times ANYTHING!!!! God is for me, so who can be against me????? help me God to be FOR YOU!!! To come to You again and again to seek You with all my heart help me to be at that point to have my whole self desire to be there and let YOU fill me as You desire to.

missing the obvious

I have been wanting to express on here the ways in which i experience being vulnerable. As well as the ways in which i seek to be more so. My whole struggle with handling the reality of death has been MAJOR on my mind in talking about all of this. For some reason the negative consequences of death seem to overpower my imagination. i don't experience *panic attacks* like i hear alot of people do. But i have some of what are very similar. I have had times where I'm in the dentists chair waiting and all of a sudden I start havingthoughts of dying, my heart stopping or my brain stopping something happening which causes enormous pain and i am helpless to escape it i try to let it go and it seems to linger thankfully it usually goes away in minutes. One time i felt like i was having heart problems while driving back to college with my friends and i had her stop the car and let me out to get air. We made it back and i was ok. I have had episodes like that off and on for a long time i just wonder WHY???

i want to have my imagination and thoughts filled with Jesus and His triumph. With God and the angels surrounding Him all praising Him endlessly pure dazzling light surrounding me as I rest in His presence forever!!!! To realize the joy and actual reality of being saved being IN eternity and knowing I am loved and accepted forever by God.

Trust becomes the barrier/portal i guess. When trust is lacking i feel a barrier to God when its present and building i feel a portal or pathway that brings me into His Presence

I don't know why i let trust lack when I have all he has given me in order to know Him His Word, His Presence, other believers, Jesus, Holy Spirit various experiences where He assured me. When i hear sermons or read His Word or listen to other christians talk about things they have done or experienced trusting Him its like DUH SO OBVIOUS!!!!!!!!! God is omnipotent and omiscient ALWAYS HERE Even in painful things even at death. I just want to trust more and let Him and His Presence be the MOST REAL in my mind and imagination moment by moment. I pray He helps me to learn and apply what I need so that this happens. If lacking in trust serves any neurotic need or whatever in me Lord God i want to surrender it and give it to You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

missing the obvious

I have been wanting to express on here the ways in which i experience being vulnerable. As well as the ways in which i seek to be more so. My whole struggle with handling the reality of death has been MAJOR on my mind in talking about all of this. For some reason the negative consequences of death seem to overpower my imagination. i don't experience *panic attacks* like i hear alot of people do. But i have some of what are very similar. I have had times where I'm in the dentists chair waiting and all of a sudden I start havingthoughts of dying, my heart stopping or my brain stopping something happening which causes enormous pain and i am helpless to escape it i try to let it go and it seems to linger thankfully it usually goes away in minutes. One time i felt like i was having heart problems while driving back to college with my friends and i had her stop the car and let me out to get air. We made it back and i was ok. I have had episodes like that off and on for a long time i just wonder WHY???

i want to have my imagination and thoughts filled with Jesus and His triumph. With God and the angels surrounding Him all praising Him endlessly pure dazzling light surrounding me as I rest in His presence forever!!!! To realize the joy and actual reality of being saved being IN eternity and knowing I am loved and accepted forever by God.

Trust becomes the barrier/portal i guess. When trust is lacking i feel a barrier to God when its present and building i feel a portal or pathway that brings me into His Presence

I don't know why i let trust lack when I have all he has given me in order to know Him His Word, His Presence, other believers, Jesus, Holy Spirit various experiences where He assured me. When i hear sermons or read His Word or listen to other christians talk about things they have done or experienced trusting Him its like DUH SO OBVIOUS!!!!!!!!! God is omnipotent and omiscient ALWAYS HERE Even in painful things even at death. I just want to trust more and let Him and His Presence be the MOST REAL in my mind and imagination moment by moment. I pray He helps me to learn and apply what I need so that this happens. If lacking in trust serves any neurotic need or whatever in me Lord God i want to surrender it and give it to You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

vulnerable

This word has been used alot lately in a very genuine way bt people who are letting us in to their lives in ways we often don't get access. it is HARD, so hard to be vulnerable, especially in our current american culture. On one hand the whole *self-help* recovery movement has flung open the floodgates to make admitting your insecurities and personal failings to be socailly acceptable, there still is a strong undercurrent declaring a theme that no this is weakness and useless fix yourself and be strong forget all this emotional openness.

i am touched and moved, challenged and motivated, ashamed and selfconscious all at once by so many of what i read on here in blogland. its soooooooooooo incredible how all of us live such unique lives, all so different yet all so very alike in the deepest aspects. I have so much i want to write about on here and share in hopes it clicks with someone or severa people as wel las being a means of opening myself up and being transformed by the Holy Spirit with my use of the blog as one means for Him to do this. Trouble is in deciding just what to share when it comes to the personal. I hope i have good judgement and discretion in all i choose to share here, good discernment.

I think awareness linked a post today from a man who talked about community vs individualism, and how the american way may have become an idol which robs us of the *one anothers* which are shown as examples all thru Scripture. Jesus called us to Himself with EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!! Not as lone rangers. Goes back to the ultimate definition of *church* the ekklesia the *called out* people of God. i am doing a sunday school class at my church now dealing with the Roman Catholic Church,,,,,, similarities and differences it has with Protestant Church. One thing the catholic church has done in a very solid way is build community. Something to be said for the ministry which they extend to each other in the communal aspects they focus on.

I have long held onto a fear of death inside. i have vocalized it since im not sure when, but it really wasn;t dealt with for me in a way i think i needed, emotionally. Either people just said oh i am fine i have no fear im at peace with it, or didnt really hear anmything, just an assumption that death has no hold on us because Jesus conquered it and will ultimately give us the victory over it as well. I saw a post or thread recently which said christians were the only ones who could look at death and smile or something like that. I wonder what those Muslins think who kill themselves with bombs, believing they go straight to paradise as martyrs????? I have always struggled so much with this because i am a christian and believe in Jesus and His DBR and that He frees all who are His from death. With that. why why why have i still had this fear of it???? The fear really goes deeper i think that somehow once it happens i will discover i didn't have the faith i needed to. or i didn't become transformed spiritually enough as i needed to be or certain sins i never overcame make punishment what lies before me. I probably sound like a lil kid sayin gall this but honestly i think that is where this is coming from. I grew up and read ALL the books on apologetics and growing in faith.i went to my ministers and counselors seeking more understanding as well as seminars and conferences. Became a minister, went to Bible College and Seminary, have been able to debate and talk very studiously on faith, pain suffering and other related subjects. Yet, this emotional fear has remained. i dont know what to make of it in a way as i write now. I want to rest in the truth of Jesus victory and His grace. Part of me tells myself that it is a feeling and until i Do die and am in heaven i will never be fully rid of it. Is it true that not ALL fear can be removed in this life??? Is that a mirage being chased when my focus should be on seeking first His kngdom and righteousness which of course is the call we all face all the time:????


Im very much hoping to get some responses of how you handle these issues. Do you have any similar exoerience in your own life????? Am I simply just displaying my emotional immaturity which i need to turn over to God and have Him help me to achieve??? All comments, thoughts, wonderings welcome. Thanks for coming by and reading!!!!!!!!

dont let me get me

Ah yes i know Pink did the song was a very cool song imho. i really liked the sound of it and the concept behind it rings very true to my purpose right now. I have been my own worst enemy. I think through life and my experiences, the good the bad the ugly. It isn't waht happens to us but how we RESPOND to what happens to us. O that cliche echoes often in my mind. How i wish i had responded differently to so many things. Even NOW!!!! I spoke before of the inner voice that was like a defense sheild but also like a fortress kept bad things from entering but also kept me from getting out as well as good things from coming in. Gods love is the greatest force/power/absolute in all creatuion, all existence!!! AMEN!!!!!!!!! Why in the heck have I seemed to feel/think like death is????? I DONT WANT TO!!! If we fear its because we feel like we are going to be punbished and are not perfected in love. I think my catholic upbringing comes into play here. Feeling like anytime i DO a sin, or anything God doesn't like, i can expect He will punish me. Why is there a gap between feelings and thinking??? Why do i feel like i just committed deja vu????

I wonder about the impact of approached to evangelism and focusing on repentance??? I became a christian at 16 and it was done as i read the Gospel of John over and over and calling the girl who had witnessed to me constantly to ask her questions. i began going to Calvary Chapel on saturday nights. The focus of their preaching was that Jesus was coming back ANY SECOND and you better be ready or you might BURN!!!!! Powerful stuff!!!!!! made me so scared for my mom and sister i went and tried to force the Gospel down their throats didnt quite have the impact i thought it would. I have heard sermins or talks where the speaker asks if you are ready to meet God right now that you need to be prepared ALWAYS!!!! That kind of preaching/teaching approach fear-based..... makes me wonder now if Tony Soprano is in charge of evangelism in heaven. Go tell them to believe RIGHT NOW or swim with the fishes!!!!!!!!!! Reject the offer????? FUHGEDDABOUT IT!!!! i dont think God is a mafia Godfather............. He is a FATHERGOD!!!!!! The kindness of God leads to repentance!!!!!!!! Says so in First Peter i believe somewhere in the NT. My issue is realizing the kindness of God. Seems like i have a penchant for always looking for the judgment and punishment of God,,,, and when it doesn't come wellll hey it WILL!!!!!! This is a deep internal thing im speaking of. Always afraid at any moment He is going to make me pay for whatever it is i have done. Stupid death!!!!!!!!! Why do we have to sin??? Why do i choose it??? Every day over and over just like paul says the good i want to do i dont do the bad i dont want to do i do. We all do!!!!!!! All the time.... no matter how holy you are you stiullsin ALOT!!!!!!! Why is it so hard to trust in His grace love and forgiveness and just STAY THERE!!!! Stay still in HIM!!!! I hope i am on topic here still. Dont let me get me...... my prayer is i wont and God will lead e to a deeper true realization in my innermost being of His love truth grace and mercy!!!!!!!!! Blessings to all of you sharing the journey!!!! Blessings toall of you period!!!!! Father God help us all to have our faith deepened our hearts filled by Your Spirit and our lives transformed whatever way You choose to have this happen!!!!!! In Jesus Name AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

getting unstuck part 2

math and i will never be friends. English comes easy to me for some reason. I LOVE words!! I love to read and soar with the adventures the authors take us upon in their stories. I have talked before about the treatment i recieved in my jr high upon arriving in california from new jersey. The way i handled it was to go to a fantasy world and escape. I used to watch tv and have a notebook where i would write the names of each show i watched and the soryline of the episode. I would listen to some records mainly elton john. The BIG thing for me though, and Im sure many of you will laugh or snicker or roll your eyes was pro wrestling!!!!!! I watched it faithfully ever saturday night and was such an addict i even watched on spanish tv and i didnt know spanish!!!!!!!!! LOL Seeing those huge men in crazy costumes and talking trash tearing each other up ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it was exactly what i secretly wished i could do to all those who teased me and picked on me. I will NEVER forget my mom taking me to downtown LA to see the Battle Royal as well as seeing the Fire throwing Sheik and Andre the Giant. Wrestling and comicbooks they were my refuge from the pain of everyday.

The getting unstuck part still deals with issues i face even today. This inner sense of being compelled to act a certain way, to have a certain personality style. I WANT to be assertive and independent in alot of my actiuons and interactions with peoplr, but this inner switch seems to always be on telling me that is not how i am and i cant go against how i am. I want to be free of fear but this switch rattles on and on about how i have always been afrais and just have to livw with it cannot escape it and blah blah blah.

This inner mechanism is the trouble source I want to tackle.It has akways been there like a self-defense system gone amok. Anytime i sensed or actually did experience ank kind of threat, especailly emotionally, the voice would go off and find ways to help me escapre or avoid or detach from the threat. Now, let me add Im not talking about voices like a schizo does or a psycho, but there were thoughts and impressions which sought to keep me in a protected way. The trouble is the voice never learned when to quit. it always s eemed to be on autopilot whether i be in class at school at dineland or a movie atthe beach or watching tv at home. It has gotten lesser and lesser but still seeks to take control when it can.

Do any of you have any experiences that relate to any of this?????Does my take on my *inner voice8 make sense and ring a bell???? Always rnjoy any and all feedback, helps me to know if im being cioherent or wandering wayyyyyyyyyy out there!!! Hope to see what you all have to say!!!

trying to get unstuck

i sat and contemplated what to title this topic. had many ideas finally decided on this one it seems to apply so many times. it amazes me how God brings about mutual discussion on certain themes or subjects that touch so many lives. Vulnerability, risk,transformation, personal pain all seem to be percolating deeply in namy bloggers lately. I have spoken about many of my areas of weakness and struggle. I find so much joy and gratefulness when i come across someone eho speaks from their heart and opens up their soul, something very moving and response-inspiring.

I can say I have been a victim, launching from my dear friend barbaras post. i do not like that term, i don't like the pigeonholing it seems to carry with it. Just like talking about sex addiction, hate how that tends to get one compartmentalized into a certain box. Recovery is wonderful, necessary and aided by God, but it does NOT have to be the end-all buzzword to place addictions,victims, and a few others into so they can be easily handled. I have always had a more gentle nature as long as ican remember. I have had a more timid and shy spirit which showed itself in reaction to various situations i encountred in life. My sister is 3 years younger and is wired very differently. She likes danger and risk and is outgoing. She was this way since being a baby i believe. I grew up tall for my age and took time growing into my body. Thus, i was fairly uncoordinated, and of course an obvious target for teasing from other kids. I had flat feet which made me a poster child for *white men cant jump* lol I have a run which looks more like a waddle, or so im told i cant see myself run.

I was able to perform fairly normally in life despite these physical limitations. I have always been quick-witted, understanding and able to use humor very young. I have always been easy-going and even-tempered. i also didn't know how to fight back. I had kids in school who i guess sensed my passive nature or my shyness and would seek to call me names or other things to embarrass me and make me fight. I usually just remained quiet, tried to ignore it or tried to tell them to knock it off. usually to no avail and another kid usually a tough kid who the others feared would bail me out. This tendency to hold things in not fight back be dependent and nonassertive, has been a dead weight i have lugged around my whole life. I was always very strong, especially in my upper body even the older kids noticed it. But i was a gentle giant and afraid to let my anger out afraid i would hurt someone. i think i have channeled my anger inward and don't know how not to. i think i was a victim by my grandma, my paternal grandma because she, for some reason favored boys, and because my parents both had to work as wel las my dad becoming sick with cancer and dying when i was 8. She was around me quite a bit. She was very fearful and overprotective. I just think she instilled a way of being revolving around that inside me. Not to say i had no choices, just saying i think it played a very heavy influence on me. itgs weird writing about this, looking back and trying to understand it, emotionally. One thing that hinders me as well, I have the mental awareness of all this pretty downpat, especially since my mom is a psych nurse, and i have just always been very intuitive mentally way ahead of myself emotionally.

I was a victim by older kids on my block who took advantage of me being an immature young kid who was really naive to anything about sex. i recll once in 4th grade a girl said you know what a period is robert??? and another girl saod a dot at an end of a sentence right???? I really wasn't sure what it was. i knew somehow it was something having to do wth a girl but didn't know what. They had me do things to do them which i think i pushed out of my mind after it happened. I did not know anyone else who had lost a parent to death, Not even a close relative. i felt *different* because of that i think. I had to tell people anytime they asked about my dad.... he died. Death wasn't talked about as i remember growing up. I know my mom made a very conscious effort to make sure my sister and i knew she was NOT going to die and that she seeme to have superhuman abilituy to avod any kind of sickness even the common cold.

My fathers death hurt me very deeply emotionally. I think because i had the mind that could sense things quickly i buried this pain because i needed to be a *big boy* and be strong for my mom and sister. Also because I just didnt know how to deal with it. I drove my mom nuts by always wanting to elive things in the past and talke about stuff in past tense. i think this was my way to try and avoid dealing with the pain. Fantasy allowed for that. and so did dependency and learned helplessness. In 3rd grade i struggled with math once we got to long division, algebra and word problems. I developed a mental bloc.. i JUST COULD NOT DO IT!!!!! My mom tried to help me but i gor so resistant and threw such bad tantrums she had to give up and i just never dealt with math. i have NEVER taken algebra never learned how to do word problems. i hate that still, and still hate math!!!

i will have more to share. This is a way to get out stuff in a new way. My sister told me something i think is very true that anything we do not resolve as kids we relivce as adults. i think that does happen. *Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it* I dont know if this will speak to anyone. I know it is a therapeutic way to turn this stuff over to God. Emotions are still such a struggle for me,especially anger because i bury it. Im sure its a link to my anxiety and obsessive compulsive type thoughts attimes. More to be written about soon. Thanks for stopping by as always.