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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Friday, October 31, 2008

Good Stuff

My company has a lil costume contest every Halloween. It is very fun seeing the creativity of so many people on display. The people there are mostly computer workers who sit at their desk all day long and nave no interaction apart from breaks and lunch with other people, unless they are customer service. So it is very fun to see them let their personalities be shown. I work in the mailroom and we decided to do a skit on the 80's. We had rockers who rocked out to ZZ Tops *Sharp Dressed Man*, girls who boogied to Cyndi Lauper's * Girls Just Wanna Have Fun* and a couple aerobics nuts to *Shes A Maniac* from Flashdance. I was the announcer. Needless to say we won Best Theme and were rewarded with a pizza party for our whole dept. I have a history of taking the spotlight at my company. I am usually involved in the annual skit which we film for our holiday luncheon and usually have a comedy role to play. I got to be the company President a few years ago which was cool. People comment that I am a good actor which stokes the fires of a once promising acting career i never pursued. I could have been a Not Ready for PrimeTime Player I just know it!!!!! Some dreams will never die lol

The really cool thing about it was that the guys i have talked about who usually are bullies and undermine me, actually told me i did a real good job. A very small thing but i really was cheered to have them say that. It is so weird how you can have such a difficult time relating to certain people and not for any obvious or good reasons. I talk to these guys about sports, money,life issues here and there, but most of the time they choose to relate to me like Im just there for their amusement as they see fit. I have tried all the different techniques to have them stop this, including being very upfront with them, to no avail. As a few have told me I cannot change people who choose not to change. So i try to let it slide best i can and just carry on.

Milly left me a comment that i really like. Telling me how although losing my dad at such a young age definitely shaped my dealing with life, it doesn't have to control it. I have seen and experienced growth and change, albeit slight, but for the better nonetheless, in the last 4 years I have been blogging. I sometimes feel like i become a broken record on certain topics which I bring up again and again but they are what is REAL and happening in the PRESENT. I can't begin to fathom the help i have recieved from various people who spoke to me either by comments or emails. God works through people. no doubt about it!!!! I look ahead to more good stuff even if it may come in a not so good form at first!!!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

TV and Comic Books

I have been reading Dan Allender's book * The Healing Path* A very solid book on how God leads us to the healing path even in the midst of personal pain and suffering. He had one chapter where he spoke of a man who had been hurt in life and who sought escape and solace thru tv and comic books. WOW I could have been that man!!!! I stopped ny previous stories about my own life back in 3rd grade. 3rd grade was a very tough year. I realized as i thought back, my dad died in august of 69. 3rd grade began in sept of 69. Hmmmmm I wonder if there is any cause/effect there much??? 1973 was another hard year. We moved from jersey to california in the summer of 73. I had gotten strep throat the last week of school before we moved. i never got to say goodbye to any schoomates. I didnt get to say a real goodbye as i had wanted to people on my block due to the sickness either. Especially this girl named Theresa whom i had the biggest crush on. Ah well cest la vie. The Mets played a big role in these years too. In 69 of course they were the Amazin Mets and managed to come from the cellar to win the World Series. My dad and i were big Mets fans and my mom made sure to let me follow them closely as it was a way to identify with my dad as well as to find something fun to focus on. In 73, Wille Mays had become a Met. Arguably the best player to ever play the game- a Met!!!! They again went to the World Series but didn't win.

I have spoken here about the hell that 7th and grade was for me. A new kid with a jersey accent in southern california. Shy,soft-spoken but a tall strong body. face covered in acne. I endured nonstop taunting and bullying everyday for 2 years. I never felt like those kids at Columbine or some of the other kids who got guns and killed their tormentors. I think i turned the anger inward. Somehow i kept a cheerful spirit even though it was nonstop headache from the time school started till it ended. I would come hime from school and turn on the tv, writing down the contents of every episode i watched as though it were a doctoral thesis. I read comic books voraciously and wrestling. AH YES PRO WRESTLING!!! I found a true escape to release my anger and aggression via the wrestlers!!!! I will never forget having the chance to shake Andre the Giants hand one night at a match in Long Beach!!!!

I had a good convo with a fellow sunday school leader in my church the other night. We began talking about various theological ideas he had concerning satan, adam and eve and all that. We ended up talking about how to make our class more relational. He pointed out how long the congregation had been mired in a quicksand of slowness and resistance to changing and being open relationally. There is one guy who leads the class at times and just lectures, never really allowing for any questions or interaction by those in class. He has a hard time with what he calls, *touchy-feely* stuff. Another likes to keep things on a purely intellectual level and has a ver hard time dealing with emotional/relational issues. We talked about almost everyone in the class including ourselves, and could easily see how we all had various pain we experienced in life. *Risking Openness* was my title i had for seeking to lead a group where that would happen. He and I engaged in a little of that while talking that night. I had a moment where i was talking to him about my dad and i felt myself about to break down, but i felt it was not the right time to do that and was able to hold it together.

I don't need tv and comic books now. I am very thankful they were there back in 7th and 8th grade!!!! When I teach next i plan to have everyone say who they are, if they went to college and what major they had, what their work was, and say 1 thing they were glad they did and 1 thing they were sad they did. Nothing cataclysmic, just something. I hope this will be a small step to doing more in time, sharing relationally and doing the *one anothers* that are contained in the Bible. I know sharing on here and on others blogs has been a big help. May it just grow and grow. Hope to add more to my story soon!!!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Seeing What Will Be Seen

Just another day it appeared as Monday started at Burning Embers. People off to work,kids to school and all the hustle and bustle of normal life routines. Lusinda happened to be at home though, and chose to go in her backyard for a lil sunbathing. Summer was not quite over yet and she hoped to catch a quick tan before it vanished into the crisp coolness of fall. As she placed her towel down in her backyard and began rubbing the oil on her body, joey happened to look out through his bedroom window and the bkiniclad sight of lusinda caused him to stop and stare. He had seen her in passing various times and always thought she was a real hottie, but of course she was older. He felt his pulse quicken as he watched her sliding the oil over her curvy and voluptuous body. His mind began racing, zillins of images and thoughts flashing so rapidly as he felt himself getting warm looking at her.

Another pair of eyes were also watching lusinda, and she knew it. Cole always kept a close watch on his prize dancer. No one knew of the real relationship which existed between them except he and her. Cole had spotted lusinda when she was a giddy teenager and had worked his charms upon her, seducing her with a taste of the wildside which was so foreign to her. Before she knew it, lusinda found herself being like a captive to Cole. He made her become a dancer and lured her into various kinky acts which she had never imagined she would do. He looked at her and thought about their history, oh what a prize she had been. A tiny part of him felt guilty over how he had treated her though. he brushed that aside quickly though and waited for a lil more.

very casually lusinda undid her top and lay topless across her towel. Joey found his mouth drop open a bit as he saw this, that feeling like a rollercoaster about to plunge downhill rushing inside him. The near naked girls he had seen in the movies and a few magazines ran across the screen of his imagination. So turned on, feeling so hot and wanting to release the pressure he felt below his belt. Lusinda looked soooooo good the oil glistening on her lithe body. He laid down on the bed and began imagining being with her there, right next to her, inhaling her scent, wanting to kiss,touch,caress. AHHHHHHHHH SHOOT!!! It was over and he immediately felt a sense of shame. Why was she out there??? Why did he look??/ So many studies and talks he had been part of about sex and relationships. Any thoughts of Lusinda evaporated now but she and her body had been all he could think about just a few moments ago. Wasnt this a response any guy would have if they had been watching her topless??? It ony lasted like less than 3 minutes, how could that be so wrong??/ Why did the same scenario happen to him in his head everytime he gave in and had self-pleasuring??

Charles sat at his desk running various thoughts through his mind. He had been through so much over the last several years. So many struggles both personal and professional. God had always been the rock for him, but he had drifted in various ways from the straight and narrow path which had always been his aim most of his life. He wasn't sure why he had wandered but it happened and ever since the black/white style of relating to God and his own spirituality had never quite been the same. Girls. bane of his existence. LOL He smiles to himself and just wished he had been able to deal with them more easily. His mind went all haywire when he was attracted to a girl, especially if he wanted to interact with her. He wished he could be invisible so many times when he felt himself turning red and getting tonguetied and nervous for no reason. Why couldn't he have a suave coolness in handling liking girls??? Dream on he mused.

The main characters will be called by name. I hope to speak on themes and handle them in ways that might be a lil more stunted if done so in a regular non-story manner. Please feel free to comment on what you think the characters are going through, what might be good options for them and what you like about them and their situations they find themselves in. Again, alot of these themes and actions have a basis in real life but i take dramatic license. I hope i have a fair enough ability to be engagin gas a storyteller. Hoping you all let me know.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Burning Embers- A Fictional Ongoing Tale

Somewhere deep in the woodland of the USA, lies a community of people. They came from all over, some from distant countries, all seeking a place where they could feel at home,grounded and established. They knew well the history of how the USA came to be and wondered if they could form a new colony that would emblazon freedom and secure them amongst each other for the general welfare and common good of the entire community. Bold ideals and different thoughts for the current generation they found themselves in, but solid ones nonetheless. Burning Embers quickly came to be and its residents would create a scintillating history of their own, as time will tell.

Wanting to distinguish themselves, the community members decided that they would be a gated community, visitors would need a password to gain entrance. Though freedom was of utter priority, safety and protection stood equally alongside in importance. Houses and condos were built with blistering speed and all the essentials of a closeknit community became quickly established. Located on the outskirts of a huge forest, the nearest city was a bit of a distance, but close enough to satisfy everyone. Hospital,supermarkets,firehouse as well as the police were all enclosed in the city. Smaal little shops competed with the huge chains for dollars, and of course a few bars and pubs were scattered here and there. Churches were also central inhabitants within the city. A lil bit of everything as the members liked to say.

Charles was one of the founders of the community. In his early 30's, he had long hoped to belong to a community which would be welcoming of all and provide a sense of personal family. He had a bit of empty space within due to losing his father at a young age. He had not found it easy to gauge the ups and downs and sideways swipes life often threw at him, but he had gone to college and made a career for himself. He had bright optimism for the future.

Angela had come to Burning Embers seeking a place of solace and rest. She had been through so much as single mom, her 2 kids,joey and velvet living with her. She knew Charles somewhat and found him to be a decent man with whom she felt comfortable. many families in the community took her under their wing and supported her and the kids, helping them to feel like they had a good home their.

Lusinda wasn't sure just how she ended up there. She was not your typical community member. Working as a stripper in the only adult club within the city boundaries, she found herself somewhat ostracized by people. One of the men who established the community took seriously the ideals which were to be held by all inside of it. He saw the woundedness inside Lusinda, regardless of how bawdy and cantankerous she appeared to be. many conversations and displays of true caring led her to become a community member. Lusinda watched Angela closely, envying her and the life she thought she had. Little did she know how truly alike deep inside they both were.

Cole. Cole as ice, black cole. He was the villain of the lot. He lived a ways away from the community but found ways to visit. He happened to be the owner of the club where Lusinda danced. No love lost between them. Cole saw dollar signs everywhere he looked, and he seemed to have a bit of a Midas touch. He amassed a small fortune in his business ventures, although he was a wreck personally. He sought to blot out the outside world with liquor, money and girls. Still, a tiny bit of his heart wished to be rid of his demons. Maybe, just maybe one day.

So has begun my attempt at storytelling. These characters will represent the entirety of the story being told. I want to speak on themes that happen to these characters in ways that I don't feel as free to do when writing personally. All actions and occurrences have a basis in actual reality but i will take dramatic license as I see fit in order to make for a more compelling read. I surely intend to deliver the goods to you who read here. Stories are only as good as they impact the imagination of those who read them. I have been gratefully rewarded by many who found my personal story to be compelling and interesting. I most assuredly hope this attempt will be met with equal anticipation and enjoyment. Hope its a good ride!!!!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Worth the Price

A few of us at my church try to get together every other week to have some bonding time and just hang out sharpening each other on understanding and interpreting Scripture. We all are quite diverse from each other and often have quite spirited, lively discussions which make for a fun evening. This past tuesday we ended up focusing upon the meaning of the Kingdom of God. Is it present now?? Is it still to come??? Looking at many verses I think both statements are true. When Jesus was born, He brought the Kingdom to earth. But many aspects of the Kingdom are yet to be fulfilled.

As I looked on google for various sites discussing the Kingdom of God, I was struck by one site which spoke of how we need to return to a God-centered view of reality. The biggest ruin of the fall was our loss of centering life on God as opposed to ourselves. God is God. He desires to recieve glory from His creation and He deserves it because He IS!!!! My whole lifelong struggle with being afraid of death is entangled in this whole question. My dads death hit me deeply emotionally and it affected my way of seeing and trusting God. Mentally I can take in the reality of how sin causes a rupture and chaos, and can result in cancer happening as well as death. Emotionally though it still left me with trails of wondering as to God being love and caring as He declares Himself. I have been looking through a wrong prescription when it comes to all this. God is Almighty and He chooses based on His perfection as God. My weaknesses i have in handling the realities of trials and tribulations in the world as it is ultimately are not handled by God in a way I have sought for them to be. His supremacy over all is my need to come to grips with dying to my self and fully embracing Him as having absolute control at all times.

I hate how i sound so often when i talk in these terms. It looks so foolish of me to have struggled as i have with my fears and self-centeredness, especially after all i have experienced throughout life. All I can say is that what happens in my mind and my processing of it all emotionally has been genuine and so different from what i know as i sit here and write or when i am around people and living life. Part of me has had this attitude like. *bozo, you know all this and have known it forever really. Why are you always chasing your tail when it comes to death and fear and all that?? Accept what you know and get on with it* Well, just possibly I DON'T know it all and do have legitimate struggles which is innate to my humanness???? I hope this all makes sense and doesn't sound like gibberish. I truly do grow from all the processing through and sharing with all of you. He is worth the price!!!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Letting It Happen

I read a post by a lady which spoke of confidently confident. She was making the point of being confident about your own inner confidence. I was intrigued by this. I am finding that my sharing openly about various genuine troubles i am having with people and within myself have aided in bringing about a growth of confidence inside me. Imagine that!!! I just want it to continue :)

It is weird how the past can become so prevalent in the present. There are areas of dysfunction inside me that i cannot but believe harken back to a very young age. I developed these dysfunctions way before coming to an informed faith in Jesus. I think i have maintained a tendency toward *magical thinking* even now. I can cite some examples. Whenever I feel a pain in my chest or head, I worry it may be a heart attack or a stroke or tumor. I put a finger on my temple to feel my pulse there and just hope somehow it will be ok. I can get crazy thoughts out of nowhere, like all of a sudden thinking death might happen, no one knows when they will die, it could happen, no escape better accept it. I was in a safety committee meeting today and we watched a video on defribillators and how to use them, which is a huge thing for me as i have a heart condition. I found myself worrying that maybe i would have a heart attack right there as we were watching and would I be able to live???

I have had these kind of thought attacks for as lon gas i can recall. Sometimes I lose my grip and get a lil emotional, though i do my best to maintain control. The emotional pain is what drives it. I seem to have a hard time emotionally being able to put aside the fear of bodily and emotional pain and how it might worsen and i don't know or understand how to respond to it??? I have the double whammy of wondering to myself why I don't just have a peace as it happens and focus my mind on Jesus love and His presence and all the truths that Scripture speaks of about walking through the valley of the shadow of death and fearing no evil.

There are times when His presence and His love and grace are just so vivid and real to me internally as well as in my mind. What is the ultimate root that causes me to let fear outrank Gods love and grace??? As i type that sentence I wonder why i am not in a psycho ward because I would do anything and everything to tell anyone who was asking what i ask, *trust God, trust Jesus, They are exactly who They say They are and They will take care of you even if you feel like your in agony of body and spirit* I KNOW THIS!!!! But when it comes to accepting it I have these barriers that i am not even sure of what they are. I know of some friends who experience a similar experience. Am I wrong in thinking that i need to be completely free of fear and have a total inner experience of peace in dealing with the reality ultimately of my own death??? I hope in sharing this I find a growth towards the answer i seek. Does any of this resonate with some of you????


We had a memorial service for a lady at my church today. She was a well-loved lady, the sanctuary,fellowship hall and narthex were packed. The remembrances from her family and friends were very heartfelt and warm, all showing she was a woman who loved and cared about people and children very deeply and did so because she loved God the same.

Kumbayah. Come by here. I could sense the reality of marge, that is the ladys name who passed on,being in the presence of God now. So strange how His presnece can be felt so strongly and at the same time seem to just as quickly dissipate. What is it that makes that happen??? I ask that rhetorically because I know answers as to why. I just fight with them. I am in awe at some of the things people are going through in their lives, and how they find the courage and inner strength to move ahead. Especially when it appears as though God is not doing anything to lighten the load or assist them in the way they want Him to or think He needs to.

I want God. I want Jesus. I want the Holy Spirit. I want to obey the 2 greatest commandments, to love. I also fight this and I hate that i do. I have this combination of knowing and believing that God is All He declares Himself to be in His Word and as He has shown by His actions in history and by what Jesus has done. I also feel a pain deep deep inside that says God has let so many bad things happen to me,to family and friends and other people. It is an emotional pain that doesn't care about the logical,rational and intellectual truth about God. It cries out to be able to know and feel that God really will be there to love,protect and care about me as He says He does. I am feeling so much as i type this. I want so much to let what i have gone through in my life be used as a way to help and minister to anyone who it needs to. I feel the weight of carrying guilt and shame and not valuing myself as He desires me to because I believed that my acne made me ugly and that my weaknesses made me less somehow. I feel Him wanting me to be free from self period. I just have not ever really gotten just how to do that. I know and can understand it, but internally my fears and pain reverberate and create this boiling cauldron where i feel so trapped by this self that wants to find freedom in Him, but is caught by its inability to rest in trust and loving acceptance. Again, so clear how He does this for others, but something just makes me feel ineligible to really lay still and know I can trust Him and that no matter what He will be with me in a loving accepting and caring way.

Nothing i do can make God love me any more than He already does. Nothing I do can make God love me any less. He loves me unconditionally. Help that truth to penetrate the walls of fear and pain that keep it from being a emotional reality O God. Kumbayah my Lord Kumbayah!!!!!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Thinking Aloud

Still enamored with dana's post on faith. I come from such a mixed bag as far as faith goes. Raised in the Roman Catholic Church,made my initial public profession of faith at Calvary Chapel. I was baptized in the Christian Church (part of the Restoration Movement) and now have been a member of the Evangelical Covenant Church for last several years. Quite a bevy of differences amongst those 4. I wonder if Martin Luther had any idea the pandoras box he was opening by posting the 95 Theses. The Emerging Church movement has been progressing for a few years and there is a twinge in the air which may be whispering of a new Reformation to occur. Interesting times indeed.

Who is the Authority?? I am sure i saw this on someones blog very recently, just can't remember who. As divergent takes on how to interpret and live out our faith happens ever more quickly due to the speed of information sharing in place now, it can feel as though the ground is not solid under our feet anymore. Maybe God Himself causes the tremors and chooses to NOT intervene to make everything hunky-dory and safe.

I am thinking up my storylines. I intend to write in a way that can be provocative but with a clear purpose. God held nothing back in His Word. He used language which would get him excommunicated ot shunned in many congregations today. Hmmmm imagine that??? Song of Solomon shows indeed that God is the Creator of sexuality and all its splendor as He desired a man and woman to enjoy. People struggle with some very harsh,raw and difficult avenues in life. I am and have been among them. i want to let my writing be a tool to encourage,support,challenge and embrace people no matter what their life situation.

Mike Yaconelli said Jesus would ruin your life. Of course he meant the life that is built around satisfying self, even when it is done in a seemingly normal, unselfish manner. Jesus said He came to give life and life abundantly. I want to explore much deeper just what He meant by that. What is His full context???? Somehow I don't think being financially stable or well off, enjoying a leisure lifestyle and having almost all our wants and desires met was what He was getting at. What is Jesus take on our feelings??? Is joy a feeling only??? What makes it stay??? Is there a technique to abiding in Him, especially in a world so much more complicated than when He was here with us???? Just thoughts and questions to banter about .It is soooooooooo tough to get outside our own unique personal lil mindset boxes we all have isn't it??? So glad all of you are out there and can come here!!!!

Thursday, October 09, 2008

What's Going On

I love Motown and Marvin Gaye. His song really hits home so often. Dana at awareness posted on faith today and it is quite a remarkable bit of writing in the way she lays out challenges to the absolute,fundamental,traditional views that get lumped together and declared Christianity. Barbara linked to dana's post and said she resounded with almost every word. I can ditto those sentiments and I am sure many of you can as well.

The idea of God's expectation for us. He wants us to be holy because He is holy, but He knows we are caught in a sin matrix and we cannot achieve that even one iota apart from Jesus. My deepest longing is to be like Jesus in how I live life, actions,attitudes and feelings. Of course the thing is even though i have this deepest desire i still choose my own way and committing actions and thinking thoughts that are in total opposition to His will and holiness. I googled *struggling to obey God* the other night. The top sites that came up were all ones that claimed you were bad and maybe in danger of being *left behind* if you did not get your act together and immerse yourself in total obedience to God. That is the itch that keeps hitting me as I seek to pursue the upward call as I carry on. The calvinist ideal of Gods character and purpose seems to be one where He cares mostly about His holiness and how it cannot be breached as opposed to reaching down in love and grace to His creation, even if we are ones who have believed in Jesus but still struggle.

I go back to my fear of death. I originally had it i think because of seeing my father die and I am a hyper sensitive emotional person and a very vivid imagination. When death comes to mind, my imagination runs the gamut of all the torturous ways that it can happen. My emotions react to those thoughts of course. Then i squirm inside myself because I feel I should have no fear to begin with. I should have total faith and confidence in Jesus overcoming death and feel total victory and peace. Well, what about if i somehow have not been as good and a faithful a servant as im called to be??? What if there is something, sonehow that messes me up and my spiritual condition??? You see the merrygoround my insides go on here dealing with this??

Jesus said as His last statement on the cross- *It is Finished* I want to wonder all the ramifications of that statement. I often say i love how Jesus left much ambiguity in His words. So many want to say He could not leave ambiguity, everything needs to be nailed down solid and made to be understood and carried out. My coming to understand preterism has helped me in dealing with these questions and issues a good deal. Still so much more to go though. Go read dana's post I hope alot more discussion about faith and how its played out happens on soooooooooooo many blogs, even those who do not place themselves under the christian banner so to speak. Love to hear from any and all always!!!!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Man O man

I wonder sometimes about what being a man really means at the ultimate core?? I wrote in my last post about yet another incident at my job where I am on the recieving end of bullying. I hesitate in writing these posts because a big part of me feels like I am making a big to do about nothing talking about bullying by 20 something guys in a workplace to a 47 yr old man. I have an ongoing debate within myself. let it go, its just normal clowning that guys do, what's the big deal??? The other side says, they need to grow up and besides its a workplace. They shouldn't be acting like that towards a coworker anyway. it's not jr high anymore, they need to know it won't be tolerated.

Even typing that feels dorky in a way. I have often struggled with my identity as to what kind of man i am due to being raised mostly by and around women and having a more passive temperament. What makes it even odder for me is that i am a big guy. I am 6 ft and very muscular in my upper body, a teddybear tummy and solid lower body. i am very strong, have won arm wrestles more often than not, and have always enjoyed physical roughness. My voice is alot like mike tyson i na way though. No i dont sound like mike with that squeaky type voice, but i speak very softly and always have. I have had people say how can such a big man have such a soft voice??? LOL I blame this largely on my hearing problems i have had due to many earaches when young which make it impossible for me to tell the loudness of my voice. It does get a reaction from people though, they seem to read soft voice as soft person it seems.

I have sought to speak to and reason with the bullies I have encountered over the years. I cannot count the number of times I have had almost the same convo with the 2 guys who act this way at work. I tell them they cross a line when they joke in a way that is a putdown, and its disrespect. They counter with that they are joking and i should just let it wash off me. I tell them obviously i dont matter as a person to them and they try to say otherwisem but their actions betray their words.

Having this happen over and over again throughout life, just by changing characters, has left a scar inside to be honest. That phrase, * To love others you must first love yourself* has eaten away at me for years. I seek to love others. I am usually positive,cheerful and upbeat towards almost everyone. I have been told by so many that I have made them smile and have been a good person to know. Yet, I have the history of being the human punching bag for so many others from grade school till today. I have tried to stand up different times, but I tend to get nervous and lots of times my eyes tear up, my body shakes, i tuen red and my voice cracks. This tends to sabotage my attempt to overcome the attacks sent my way.

i cherish the words of wisdom and support from friends and others on here. Some touch me so deeply. I just am torn about why I have had this struggle. i guess it boils down to a self-esteem issue again. Why have i let myself feel so down on myself for so long. It has way more roots than my struggles i shared recently. It goes back to how i felt when very young, again partially the overprotection of my grandma. Partly my feeling like I could not stand and be strong internally. This opens a deep deep can here. Why does stuff that should have been dealt with at age 5 or 6 have to be so tough at 47??? Stories will start soon!!!

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Gods Acceptance-Not Peoples

I have written before about a situation i had at my work. I have these coworkers who for some reason see me as their human punching bag, they can verbally punch and jab as they choose and see it as just a game. I had another occurrence the other day. One guy came up and said he wanted to trade punches to the arm. one for one. I work with a bunch of guys and we have all done this before, I am very solid and found it no big deal. I took the first punch. I really don't punch right, partlu because I have always been strong in my upper body and was afraid of hurting someone. I also just never learned the right way to punch. Anyhow, he thought it was a weak punch and then took his turn. He hit me with pretty much all his might and i felt it, but i took it in stride. The other guys all acted like he really hurt me and one started laughing and saying, why are you beating up an old man??? Just the way he said it and was laughing made me feel again like he was placing me one down from him and anyone else.

I have always had a problem with being picked on by bullies. I am not sure it's because io have a gentle nature or what. I don't do anything outwardly to cause it. I am pretty quiet but i have an easygoing personality and can pretty much get along with anyone. I have a few things which may have been targets bullies saw. I have always been big for my age, but gentle and softspoken. I have only one good ear but I had tons of earaches when i was little and it caused me to not be able to gauge the loudness of my voice. I tended not to fight back and perhaps this made them want to push harder to force a reaction.

I just am posting on this because again as it has all through the years, i wonder why it is they seem e this way and what it is that has made me a target in this way??? I also have have struggled feeling like I was somehow less than others because of my shyness and hard time standing up for myself. The inner feeling of lack of confidence and shame has seemed to be rooted in there since i don't know when. God accepts and loves me as i am with all this, even my own lack of self-acceptance. I had a problem of stuttering and wetting the bed for a few years growing up, and I think these could have formed a conditioned sense of feeling shamed which just remained even after all these years. I'm just thinking out loud here, because i really wonder why I still have the struggle with these feelings from such a small,random and mostly insignificant event that happened.

Anyone relate or have something which may be similar??? Any suggestions on just letting it go??? Just crazy how things from a long time ago can affect the present so powerfully. Thanks all!!!

Saturday, October 04, 2008


I so liked writing my narrative stories based on my life experiences, I plan on again telling stories, only this time what i will call real fiction lol I want to talk about things which are alot harder to do on a personal level in ways and forming a storyline seems like a good move. I cannot be more thankful or appreciative to all who have sent encouragement,prayers and well wishes after my sharing my struggles. I also know many read and don't comment but your presence is very valued and wanted as well.

I was thinking yesterday of how God is not magic. He really can be quite nonchalant in a manner of speaking as time goes by. We have the record of all the miracles and supernatural events He chose to perform for His chosen people as well as all Jesus did. It really strikes me though that God prefers to work in more natural,normal everyday kind of ways as opposed to the spectacular and amazing. I believe He does act supernaturally still and can do so as He chooses for after all- He IS God!!!! I just observe life as i have seen it day by day and it strikes me He whispers as opposed to shouts. Does He really want us to be His instruments for displaying His presence and actions to the world??? I seem to think Scripture says a bit about this. Maybe george burns testimony on the witness stand In the movie Oh God was closer to the mark than anyone could expect from hollywood???

I will come up with a community of characters to build my stories around. Hopefully i can use my creativity to spark imagination in a challenging way. I always seek your input and support.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Under the Surface

Alot of different stuff zingzanging around my head. How to be still and know that He is God??? God is omnipresent, He is always here. Why do i have this seemingly unending struggle then to realize,believe and relax in that truth??? I have this part of me which is always on alert mode trying to be ready for when the other shoe drops and I get a life threatening something happen to me as did to my father. This is totally irrational and emotional in nature but it STAYS!!! part of me chastises myself and says come on man your dad got cancer and it killed him, it happens all the time to people get over it move on let it go bite the bullet and be a MAN!!!

A part of me accepts my woundedness and that i have parts of me which are broken and do not know how to handle certain tough areas of life and the unexpected and ominous occurrences that happen daily. part of me wants to fully accept what i see laid out in Scripture very clearly that reveals God cares for us unceasingly and without fail even despite our selfishness and rebellion against Him we so often display.

God is Almighty. He is that He is. He is love. He is awesome and majestic beyond my comprehension. i want to embrace,love, trust and obey Him with all my being and I find that I fight against this very thing, even while gritting my teeth and kicking myself for my craziness. These varied ideas of God and how He sees me and how he feels about me, did He create me with freedom to choose Him or destined to be the non-elect because of my fear and struggles with addictive behaviors and hurting heart???

I like to be very clear and concise usually when posting. So much of the time my mind is a clutter of so much all at once. Attempts to express it cohesively can be a difficult task indeed. To seek Him and His kingdom and His righteousness first, to be not afraid and to be still and know He is God, to let go of sinful choices which seek to put something else than Him as a way to meet my needs and my soul thirst and hunger. These are my deepest desires and goals, my dreams and wishes. i pray by sharing openly and laying myself out there with my failings that some may empathize and that He will nudge me letting me know He understands and stays with me as I trod along.