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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Crying Out

O God You know all things You know all my thoughts and feelings even ones i have which I dont know are there or can formulate. I want so much to be free from things which bind me and keep me from letting Your Spirit lead and guide. I have had cwertain fears that have been tearing at my insides since a very young age I confess i think I have let emotions and fragileness of my self at seeing my dads death and just the relity of death itself become like a noose around my neck in a spiritual/emotional way. I know Jesus resurrected and overcame death Father God yet somehow I feel and believe I am disqualified from resting in the assurance of His salvation. I dont want to think or feel this God and alot of it stems from my wanting control over things only You have control of. Also because of sinful choices i have made even as a longtime believer. It is scary to face these fears God but You make it easier and possible more and more. Help me to accept and face the things i need to so I can live in freedom of fearing my place with You. Help me to not worry about what others may think about what i share and worry about being rejected or abandoned. Help me to do whatever it is You call me to do to be a *living sacrifice* holy and acceptable to You. Help me to do this the same way i breathe to do it to the point where i dont even think about it it becomes that normalized. Help me to be able to take captive all my thoughts to the obedience of Christ so that i can have His Mind and help me to understand all that is meant by that so i can do it as You mean for it to be done.

You know i have such unmet inner cries from ways I avoided pain in childhood and have become so skilled at keeping the wounds covered. Age doesnt make these wounds go away dear God so help me to let You do whatever You need so I can let Your presence be what is strongest and most present always in my mind and heart. I love You God and trust You despite the ways i fail to love You and trust You ao much everyday. Work in me help me let me be able to know Your love in Christ that You say is so incredible we cant even begin to ever humanly comprehend it. Help all of us find seek and recieve this love of Yours!!!! AMEN!!!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Hurry Up and Stand Still

A theme of struggle and hardship seems to be permeating across several landscapes of blogland lately. Funny how themes can happen to such divergent people almost equally regardless how different and varied the backgrounds and life situations we all have. I have really been wondering about the way in which we interpret the *emotional response* of God. When we read the Bible and come across certain passages of God speaking or Jesus teaching do we feel They are emotionally warm and responsive??? Caring encouraging accepting loving??/ Or are They more cold distant demanding critical aloof ??? Even as i write the 2 categories i cringe at depicting the Father and Jesus being emotionally negative however inside my own heart i often feel/think that is the way They feel and respond to me. This is deeper inside at an emotional/intuitive level but in the end it impacts my intellect and understanding at some point. I can reflect and realize why this is I want to go beyond that and change it.

My post title is a reflection of tensions and pressure points i experience daily. Take time to be still meditate on God and His Word pray intently for a longer period of time to recharge get up go out and do something to serve others be active find ways to lose yourself in investing in others GO WAIT MOVE BE STILL AIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

i hope my point came across as intended lol Do any of you ever feel that no matter WHAT you do your just always still falling short and you dont know how to get where you believe your supposed to be??? I mentioned the word *ambiguity* in a previous post. As i examine Scripture i come across this meaning more and more. God likes to be ambiguous alot. Well also i think He enjoys being black and white and gray all over!!! Hows that for blending conservative/liberal/whatever else all together eh???? There are certain things God is VERY absolute about. He alone is GOD Jesus alone is LORD and SAVIOR Jesus death and resurrection saves us from the penalty of sin. The ins and outs of just how to go about living life following Jesus well that not quite so absolutely black/white stated. Im sure alot may say that my dipstick aint touching oil but it seems that way to me especially the older i have gotten. We all have such different lives. God has left us with a guidebook a blueprint His Owners Manual if you will. Alot of us look at the same things maybe even have very similar events in life happen yet our way we deal with these things can be so different so diverse. Does God want us to be cookie cutters??? Does He want us to have a mantra and chant it in unison as we seek to carry out the Great Commission??? Yes thats rhetorical. lol I love blogging so much because of the answer to that question HEAVEN NO HE DOESNT WANT US ALL IN LOCKSTEP SINGING SAME SONG SAME WAY SAME TIME!!!!


Monday, October 29, 2007


That is a word becky over at *inthequiet* uses alot when she comments. Keep on trudging. It is sage advice and serves as a good reminder that the journey is tough and its definitely a marathon so trudging is necessary sprinting will only leave you worn out and depleted of the energy you need for the entire length of the race. i am wondering as many on here seem to be lately why does it seem to get harder and rougher to follow Jesus in the way we believe we are called to????

We all have differing pressure points vulnerabilities which affect our moods and attitudes as well as our will and ability to act. It is simply amazing how we all are so very different yet so much alike. Only God could pull off such a feat. One the greatest blessings i believe comes from blogging is that you discover *im not alone there is another who knows and understands what im going through* I just was looking over a newsletter tonight from *faithful and true ministries* It is a ministry to those with sexual addiction. It has a whole host of resources and supplies alot of wisdom and grace in reaching out to those of us who struggle in this way. There are innumerable addictions out there and just as many ways in which we can find ourselves caught up in things which lead us astray from God and the direction He desires for us in life. i think satan and our own penchant to beat on ourselves really rips us off when it comes to breaking free of whatever it is that hinders us by using guilt shame secrecy silence and shields to try and avoid dealing with whatyever it is that lured us from Gods path. The most diabolical lie of all time has to be the one where satan made God appear to be the bad guy. Satan disguises himself as an *angel of light* thereby also create an illusion of God as negative.

I have a whole host of thoughts swimming around in my cranium, hope to be able to articulate them coherently. Trying to escape pain is one of the biggest causes for choosing something other than God. The thing is no matter what the sedative may be it only works SHORT TERM!!! Only God the Father, Christ the Son and the Holy Spirit can give us peace that lasts forever. What I want to pursue is cooperating with God in the best way to let that happen. Distortions of who God is and how He feels about me drive so much of what messes me up in living. It hurts even moreso because I have the knowledge of who He really is and have had the experiences of Him showing me yet still have these maneuvers i make going off other directions than what is the most excellent way. This is a lifelong struggle and hopefully everyday I am guided to seek to rest it all in Him a lil more and a lil more and a lil more.

Sometimes you have concepts in your head and it doesnt come out as you want it to when writing. i want to let go of what keeps the fear shame and guilt festering inside. God definitely has answered my prayer to wrestle I want to respond by seeking Him and all He says in His Word telling Him i want to let go of fear that hides Him and cuts me off from seeing Him and living in faith the way I desire so much to do. Just a real prayer to grow and mature more only can be done with His power.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

pain and peace

Those 2 are complete opposites arent they??? can peace be found when there is pain??? A major part of me says no way jose but as I reflect on Jesus life His words and teaching and actions I begin to wonder. He endured the greatest pain anyone will ever be made to bear. He relied on God all the way through. He knew complete obedience to God His Father was the only way. He knew He had to die and He had His struggle in absolutely following through.

His Word teaches there are 2 options after death, with Him or apart from Him. Heaven is perfect paradise of eternal life forever in Gods Presence no more dealing with sin or temptation or anything other than His love.. The other is hell total darkness weeping gnashing teeth anguish pain torment that never ends no hope nothing of God at all. Who wouldnt be afraid of that?? Jesus salvation overcomes the sting of death which is sin and punishment for rebelling against God. Jesus is the ONLT ONE who lived a perfect obedient life never *missing the mark* of Gods perfect standard No matter how good any of us are we can never be *good enough* to earn Gods acceptance and favor, or His love. Grace takes care of that. Grace and Jesus along with the Holy Spirit enable us to respond to God with grateful hearts so filled with love because of what He has done for us. This is the *good news* the Gospel!!!

Why then the fear struggle inside??? Perfect love casts out fear so if i have fear somehow Im not perfected in love. He calls me to trust and obey and He made it possible by coming dying resurrecting why then do i still cringe at just following His lead??/ He declares nothing absolutely nothing can separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus my Lord why then do I fight these demons inside that want to do things my way in opposition to His??? We all have them dont we??? For some its alcohol;drugs,sex.food,anger.workaholism,perfectionism,denial, the list goes on and on. I fight with myself in posting these struggles all the time because my deepest desire is to encourage to be a pastor to build up and cause smiles and all this is like a downer it feels. yet in sharing openly hopefully it becomes an encouragement to someone who may be facing similar struggles likeminded issues and needs to know and hear God is still there despite finding it rough to feel Him or turn to Him for whatever reasons inside. I have had lil intimations throughout the day that no matter what no matter what kind of way death happens no matter what form of suffering takes place and that includes mental and emotional which can often end up being more excruciating than physical, that God IS THER!!! He IS here!!! He knows and understands all my stuff whatever it may be and He wont turn me away and cast me out for struggling with fear and addictive sin patterns in my life. Those glimmers are great hope. I am so thankful for all the prayers I know have been offered up by so many. Im so grateful for being able to pray for so many able to let Him know im glad He let me encounter them and knw them even if its only a few posts or comments on here. God is so huge. I limit Him way too much when I let my fears narrow my focus and my sphere of vision. I want for life to just go and not be turned sideways but how insane is that??? He is here always despite whatever happens that includes good bad indifferent. Ultimately He will bring me to Him for eternity. i want to be accepting and thrilled to go to let go of the fear that tries to deny my admittance to Him. Thank You for loving me despite my resistance and my fear and fighting you Almighty God. help me to trust You and rest in You more and more as the song says DAY BY DAY!!!!!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

To whom shall we go?

The words of the apostle Peter to Jesus when He asked the 12 who they thought He was after Peter declared He was Christ the Messiah. Peters words ruminate like clanging bells in my head. Who else is there to turn to??? The New Age Movement which has all kinds of umbrella terms to identify itself now always ends up making the *self* the ultimate. Scientology has a whole mixed bag which again ends up leading back to a newfangled *self* (and you wont look like tom crusie or john travolta by pursuing it either lol). No one else made the claims Jesus made about Himself and asked what He asks of those who follow Him. Not buddha,allah or mohammed,and other claimers of divinity in some for or another.

I soaked up as much as i could when i first came to be a Christ-follower. Wanting to have a study Bible read as much as i could about ap9ologetics,knowing why i believed, knowing what i believed seeking to mix theology with emotion and experience. The reality of Jesus being the Way Truth and Life seemed to be so simply evident it was like how can anyone miss it??? i loved having conversations with people of varying belief systems it always seemed to help solidify the realness of Jesus as THE ANSWER!! The problem and struggle was and has always been YES He is the ANSWER so why so tough to follow and live out the trust and obedience He calls me to???? That seems to be a widespread dilemma though, at least imho over these many years of life spent amongst believers. In my home church as well as neighboring churches i have visited over the years i have seen the same syndrome happen again and again the preachers are evangelizing the saved!!!! 3 point sermons with the pivot point being COME TO JESUS!!!! HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO WE HAVE COME TO HIM WE NEED HELP WHAT TO DO ABOUT OBEYING AND FOLLOWING NOW!!! Sorry for the shouting but it just felt i needed to there. I give a disclaimer in that of course there is a lot of very solid expository preaching which does feed us and teaches us to be better disciples i am just speaking about a overarching trend that happens over and over again in many cases. One reason is that it is much easier to talk about coming to Jesus than it is to talk about how to follow Him especially if that is a major tension point for the preacher him or herself.

I am in the middle of so much internal change and alot of it also how I undestand God Jesus and the Holy Spirit and the whole relationship involved in being a *christian* There is that whole dichotomy between justification and sanctification. How I am seen and accepted by God by virtue of belonging to Christ as opposed to the actual reality of what i do and feel and experience in daily living. i want to love my neighbor as myself, i want to be a servant i want to love God seek to know Him better and be part of what he is all about in how to carry out life. Yet(i say yet so i wont use but) i also want my own way. i want certain things that dont align with Gods desires for living life. I get caught up in lil mind fits and emotional messes that i really dont even know why i do half the time. I let silly lil things get in the way of the larger bigger picture of my overall goal of being like Jesus. Sometimes i have small moments of time where it all fits and i feel like He speaks to me deep inside and fills me with a peace beyond understanding. Then as quickly as that happened im back in a maze of muck and mire wondering what happened to the clarity i had just a lil bit ago??/

One thought i had today which seemed to be comforting concerning my fear struggle. Jesus went to God and asked Him if it was at all possible for God His Father to let Him not have to die. Of course Jesus was dealing with alot more than just His own life but it is a comfort to know Jesus didnt just have a silly grin all the time and run around acting a;; jazzed about getting to hang on a cross and be crucified. Its very weird to think God is easier on me about my fears and my flaws and failures than i am on myself. I need to keep writing more on these themes here. Hoping God will lead me thru the wilderness into the promised land as far as taking in how wide deep long high and endless beyond comprehension is the love He has poured out to me in His Son Christ Jesus.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

dying to live

Life is difficult that is the opening line of the bestseller by M Scott Peck *The Road Less Traveled* It is really a great opening line because once you accept that truth it helps you to handle the fact that life is difficult it doesnt make life LESS difficult. I have been seeking to open myself to God to repent of old patterns and go with His leading to overcome some things. I have had my deepest hearfelt prayer be to wrestle with God. I was in theater in high school and once considered being an actor. I think I learned acting way too much long before high school. I know and believe God is love and He is good He is who He says He is in His Word. At the sametime I know and believe this I also have the fear and the secondguessing the attempt to try and somehow control life from having whati feel and think are *bad things* In the back of my mind for the longest time I have felt death chasing me trying to get me and even more so because i have been scared of it and tried to wish it away or deny it or just find some form of escape. What meakes it even worse is the guilt and shame i feel for feeling this way. For letting myself have these fears. God jesus and the Holy Spirit are in control. They call me to live life in faith trusting Them. i feel like Im 2 people as i write this. The one who believes and wants to live for God and be used as he desires to use me. The other one who is scared of Him scared He lets bad things happen that i deserve because i have messed up so much. I choose to run off to fantasy that takes away the pain over places inside where I feel a loss and i turn to fantasy as a way to fill that chasm. I fear being this transparent in sharing all this here but at the same time hope that in doingso it will be a tool God uses to transform me in ways i so want Him to do.

I am smart capable have gifts desire to use them a deep sense of caring for people and more YET i tie myself up in knots by letting fear a allencompassing nagging try to keep the lid on type fear and a inabilty to let myself fully feel my emotions. I run the other wau from the very thing I most want to do. i love and want God I fear and run from God. I find myself feeling so emotionally torn inside more and more just sensing the battle inside to let self die so I can fully live as He calls me to live. I feel like I have wanted to somehow become *good enough* for Gods acceptance deep inside. Even though the definition of grace is unmerited favor I have an inherent internal belief that i need to earn Gods love attention care affection and anything to do with what goes into a relationship. It really hurts to want to actually have it all together and be what you want God to want you to be but in reality know just how far short you are and wonder how to let Him make the desired self a reality. Have mercy on me O God!!! Blessed be the name of the Lord!!!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

A lil more about spirit

Still letting thoughts tumble around in my grey matter regarding God as spirit. Becky at *in the quiet* had a juicy post, as in one you just feel is so good to think about and wonder the implications of her thoughts. God is omnipresent which means He is everywhere at once. He is beyond time so He is in the past present and future. Hmmmmm makes you wonder about the whole timetravel phenomenon. Since He is always present and He is spirit He is love everything about God is positive and good why then do we have so many times when we feel totally alienated,distant.cut off or blocked from God???? Must be a flaw in our ability to respond and reciprocate His presence. Sin is said to cause separation. Jesus covers our sins by His paying our penalty. Can sin still cause a emotional/spiritual separation even when we are believers???

What is objective and what is subjective on Gods part??? Charismatic believers claim specific experiential happenings with God especially the Holy Spirit. Those who believe God doesnt operate the same way now as He did when the Church first began and before the Bible was completed believe He works through His Word. How do we know if God answers our prayers??? is there a need to have an openness to both subjective and objective truths in the way God interacts with us??? Since God is spirit does that leave room to understand Him and relate to Him in more than one way??? Does God present absolute clearcut commands as to just how He is to be known worshipped obeyed and loved???? Anthing that diverges from that is idolatry???

Isnt it fun to read a whole bunch of questions and no answers???? Well hopefully discussion will stimulate shared answers from various minds. God gave us minds and not pudding in our heads for a reason. It is good to reason together!!!! I love ambers description of God as crazy!!! LOL A crazy Almighty God hmmmmm crazy in a safe way right???? Look forward to responses as always.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Just Wondering

So many good worship songs I mean LOTS of good worship songs. All covering close to every quality and characteristic there is about God in all His majesty. *Where the Spirit of the Lord Is* comes to mind as a good one. God is spirit Just what does that mean??? God is a Person He has personality. He is all-knowing, all-powerful, everpresent. He created time and space so He is beyond it. He is said to live in unapproachable light, dont have the verse handy at the moment. Just what all is involved in God being spirit???

The mormons have a different take on this. They believe god is actually made of flesh and bones. One of their chief doctrinal statements is *as man is god once was as god is man shall become* They believe we can attain godhood eventually in a different dimension beyond this life. This is not an apologetic about mormonism that belief just helps to illustrate my topic. If God is like a human that seems to limit Him in alot of ways. Have you ever tried to hold a conversation with the wind??? lol Quite difficult but sure can feel it when its blowing hard and also when its gentle and breezy. God appeared in alot of very obviosu and easy to understand forms in the OT. A burning bush , a brewing cloud, an angel type figure. Jesus came and actually became God in flesh. Now we have the history of the Bible, Gods Word to tell us of how He appeared. As spirit how does God relate to us??? It often seems much of the time like God is silent absent not able to be reached Why is this??? As spirit He is always present right??? There is nowhere we can go and escape His presence right??? Why then do we so often experience Him as missing in action emotionally.relationally spiritually and even mentally???

I pose these questions in this way to elicit feedback and just ignite discussion. I have alot of thoughts on this but would love very much to be challenged about them by whoever chooses to share their own undestanding on the matter. I gratefully await all sharing to come.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

TNT- Contents Under Pressure

Pandoras box is a wellknown fable. So dangerous were the contents locked within her box woe to whoever opened it and let loose the maelstrom within!!!! Wise was the one who declared that pandoras box be kept tightly shut. Here is a small sampling of something akin to that diabolical box.

Smoldering deep way down within the embers burn and want the uproar to begin

dark delectable dripping with ease oh salivating to seduce and sieze

hungering aching scintillating stirs low moans emerging sensual thrill to converge

heart races pulse pounds mind races sweat traces barely making a sound

a delight to the eyes fills insides so much unquenching desire a longing to touch

try as you might the inner want wont be stilled need want pure searching just wont be chilled

once allowed escape all caution thrown to the wind will crave more always more till unveiled once again.

Lust desire of whatever although physical things may rub high at top of list. I have been reminded of the definitive power of words. James and Proverbs speak very forcefully of the danger and wonder of the tongue. Whoevrr said *sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me* I dont know but sure seems like they lived in another universe than me. I will gladly take any kind of physical pain or hurt than the ones Ive experienced from peoples words. ANYTIME!!! Helps that Im built like the hulk but thats another story lol

I hope to share varied descriptive poems on different subjects. i find it engaging and got a good response the last attempt. Words bond us together thru our blogs. Words bond us with writers whom touch us deeply. God spoke words. God SPOKE our entire universe into existence!!!! LIKE WHOA DUDE!!!! LIKE THATS LIKE TOTALLY AWESOME LIKE!!!

I look forward to alot of your words. As well as reading the ones on your pages!!! hasta for now.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Batman and robin

This post wont be easy. i have been wanting to write a post about my dad for a long time finally am making it. The title of the post will become clear as you read further. I actually started this post and was overcome by my emotions, eyes tearing up,chest tight feeling so drained and my dumb computer came up with some kind of error message and i had to delete it and start over. OK hopefully it was a good thing.

I always tell my mom the way she met my dad needs to become a movie. Young man in army falls in love with his nurse who treats him for cancer???/ jake gyllenhaal and kate beckinsale (sound good mom?) He spent sometime over in greenland for the army. Quite a stunning spectacle i saw lots of pictures used to love the green ice. Once he arrived back home he worked a cop in New Jersey. I know he was an outstanding cop my mom has a scrapbook with lil clips from his arrests as well as other memorabilia of being on the force. I got to have alot of good times with him even with his facing being sick on and off. Went to Mets games,watched football.went on a vacation to california driving in a ford station wagon. Talk about miracles!!! lol He was a funloving personable smart guy. Our house in NJ needed a paintjob one year. My mom can testify to how well liked my dad was by all the cops who took time to drive down and help pain our house. This was a split level house btw no easy job. It is good to remember how many friends he had, how much he was cared about.

One of our favorite things to do was watch tv at night especially Adam-12 and Batman. At the very beginning of Batman they have the scene where all the kapows zowies and sock are shown as the caped crusaders hit the villains. At the end they smile and shake hands. We did that with them all the time!!! Now you see why my title. My dad was a superhero to me.

1969 man lands on the moon amazin mets win the world series my dad loses his life to cancer. i remember seeing a huge scar on his chest where a lung had been removed. he and my mom chose to not tell me or my sister about the cancer. His death came as a shock. i was 8 at the time. Images of him run in my mind like snapshots as opposed to a movie. i think a large part of me just went into hibernation somehow hoping it was a nightmare that in some unimaginable way wasnt true. Death didnt work that way, doesnt work that way.He wasnt coming back. How was death to be sopped beaten cheated??// Would it take my mom too???/ Would it take me???? Was cancer looming in the background just waiting to devour another victim for no reason???/ Reality of God Jesus and Heaven are comforts but dont completely satisfy the vivid imagination of an emotionally wounded 8 year old. So many questions so much wondering about why how what if. Wanting to be strong and more mature than my age for my mom and sister yet so very fearful and weak inside.

People would ask about my dad and i would have to say he died. Awkward always is when you discover a kid has lost a parent. I learned to be able to say its ok and just let it pass. I learned to bury emotions deep inside. My mom tells me i had high blood pressure as a kid. i think i see why looking back. There ss much missed by not having my dad around while getting older. Just certain things my mom couldnt do. I think alot of my struggles i have had especially with fear and lack of confidence stem from my way of dealing with his death. I sense feeling like an 8 year old when trying to nail it down lots of times. As well as struggling in relating emotionally to God. My mature self knows the truth about God about the results of sin and thr fall and the way life goes all the ups and downs and different things in between. My immature self doesnt. Still will sit and wonder why death even has to happen atall. Why have to wonder about possibly being taken down by some tragedy???

I see the difference as i look at what i wrote. i am not trying to overdramatize i know many have suffered far greater losses and pain than myself. Im just wanting to lay out openly the struggle that occurs inside maybe in a fresh way and let it lose steam. I miss my dad especially when seeing movies or events that celebrate the wonder and joy of having a close relationship with a father. The absolutely most amazing truth though is that God and Jesus KNOW!!! The single worst possibile occurence to ever happen................ became the single best occurence to ever happen!!!! Jesus death Jesus resurrection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How great is our God!!!!!


Seemed like an apt title for this post. That is largely what have i been doing this past week. Working lots of ot which will help with money woes a lil bit. I have had God seem to give me clearerheadedness lately as well in ways that just so directly hit upon my fears and my struggles. Its so strange that Im like ok God wow yes that s so clear as You reveal it hmm imagine that You actually answering a prayer or prayers and i can see it and apply it!!! What a concept!!!! I seem to get so bedragggled in my own lil maze of worries and denial and pain and avoidance along with seeking glimmers of growth and moving on past the junk i fail to see what is so directly before me in relation to seeing Him.

Hope i didnt drive anyone away with the eschatology post lol just my take on something that really has been a illuminatiion for me to understand scripture better. I have so many things i want to write about and just hard to decide just what. I know we all hate to say we are addicted to comments but in all honesty WE ARE!!!! lol No one has been here and commented all week so i wait to post some stuff i really want to because i want it to be something I think would elicit comments. i hope alot of you feel this if you go through dry spells of comments even from your normal friends online. We all get busy and have so much going on in our lives its amazing we find the time to blog as we do. So just wanted to stop in say hi and hope to have more appearing soon!!! Hope you are doing great and discovering newness as it makes itself available and known to you in some shape form or fashion!!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


My buddy gary at *blessed are the poor in spirit* tagged me recently and I am now getting around to posting my answers. I am to post 3 negative perceptions of christians and 1 positive ideal. OK Lets see 3 negative perceptions hmmmmm

1. overly judgemental

2. isolationist

3. anti-intellectual

a positive ideal compassionate whether it be to individuals groups strangers or whoever. These are perceptions i have seen either myself or through others eyes pertaining to christians.

Lets see now I need to tag 4 people I will tag smitty,karen at tssol,shaz and jennypo Happy posting!!!

Pain has purpose

Fear and pain are inextricably linked i think. Pain hurts so it becomes something to fear then having the fear causes pain because the fear is an obstacle that doesnt belong. Round and round it goes. So many different kinds of pain. pain as a concept and something to understand is one thing, pain that affects you personally or a loved one is quite another. It takes on a diffferent dimension. Like the saying goes *minor surgery is surgery done on somebody else!* God is answering my prayers well the deepest level ones helping ne overcome my fear as well as wrestle with Him and seek that intimacy with Christ. Problem is He does it in ways i sure souldnt pick. Opportunities for growth. Oh that they would be easier.

If you pray for patience God tends to send things that cause you to develop patience. So if i pray to be free of fear well I wonder what He will send??? Hmmmmm He has give me alot more clearness at times during the day. He is always present and He will be present at a tragfic even as He will be at a joyous event. Somehow i have let a deeply embedeed emotional belief remain for as lon gas i can recall that i am *onedown* as in being lesser than others. Along with this is a feeling sense that God is either angry disappointed or disinterested.. The fear is tied in to these emotional beliefs as well as a sense that I should not have these to begin with and should be strong in His Word and in resting in Him and letting Him lead me as He calls me to. After all i have sought to stud His Word in depth even wanted to be a minister so how can I have these kind of issues in me??? Im trying to illustrate the whole scenario here. It seems at times i go in circles with my struggles but im just trying to deal with them headon and on here is really the most completely open place i can or maybe ever have. Its not a common thing to just openly share deep emotional and spiritual struggles that also can seem to cause you to feel as though you are missing the boat and somehow stuck in a place where you feel like a leper cast aside and unclean unable to find the way to the wholeness sought so fiercely.

As i trped that last sentence another thougt came to mind. Most of the things i talk about on here in terms of my struggles are internal and personal. I get along well with people. I am able to serve in my church and be a leader I have certain gifts God has generously allowed me to use as well as develop. I am usually able to enjoy my days and find much laughter and joy as wel as the ups and owns. But deep inside all these issues percolate. i guess they do for all of us mainly. I wonder what it would look like if we all had montors on our chests and messages would flash on and off displaying what was really going on inside us at any given moment. What a shock to the system we all might experience. I try to share on here in an open manner that remains true to my personality and style. I get selfconscious attimes when i see things written other places that talk about a certain thing that hits upon an issue or failing i have and I wonder if i am doing something wrong at times in certain things i share. I find other thoughts that balamce things out and most of you are very sweet and kind people who share with grace and truth and humor. Like my friend barbara says so often i truly am deeply thankful for my blog friends some whom i have just barely met and even those who are just infrequent visitors. You have brought richness to my life and that is the beauty of the internet that such genuine connection can happen over a computer!!!!!

I have a severe financial situation. i really need a second job to handle it but my health situation makes that untenable for the most part. I just ask for any prayers that God will help me to trust Him in facing it and to manage it. I really dont want to have to give up my internet because this blog and all of you are such a vital tool in my growing. I just lay it out here because prayer is powerful and i can use all of it I can get. Someone very close to me also is facing a very tough situtation just pray God provides perseverance as it works out. Pain definitely causes me to seek purpose even though I often just seek to sedate or blot it out in ways that dont work. God is dealing with that and He will continue to do so i pray I will choose a mature handling of it and one that increases my relationship with Him.

Saturday, October 13, 2007


Quite a long word again should be perfect for scrabble Apostle Paul used it in a sentence when he was talking about the character and nature of God. I think he was right on to a large extent in the sense that God is just wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy above our ability to understand although on another level He allows us to very profoundly understand Him. He is God. He created all there is He created all of us. I often just sit and wonder in awe at that . I love those moments can i can stall the fury rumbling in my skull and take hold of being able to consider His majesty and wonder. God is love God is good Jesus is God in flesh. Why the heck do I struggle so often to just remain in that truth and soak it up and let it be the foundation i act from???

My whole issue with fear really comes down to a few things. Fear that i will experience some horrible form of pain and suffering followed by death that will not be pleasant and fear of somehow falling short of Gods goal for me and having no way to achieve it. These fears are not rational and logical because in those areas i am locksolid on who God is who jesus is what Jesus has done and that in Him is eternal life. These fears are emotional and in that gray area where nothing is concrete and faith is all that is there to grab onto. Deep inside I always believe God will bring me through. Even attimes when i have felt like Im at the bottom emotionally,mentally,spiritually God somehow enables me to find a sliver of hope despite being overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts of ruin despair and dismay. Fear actls like a wall it blocks out being able to see or move past it. It seems to be immovable so often unavoidable. Hold on there bucko...... didnt God originate everything??? isnt God absolutely in charge at all times??? Doesnt God have love forgiveness mercy and grace that reaches so far He allowed His Son to become one of His creation who rejected Him to suffer and die for us to rescue us??? Knowing and believing all this i still find my way on the spinning wheel going round and round as various fears and hurts and doubts arise within and demand attentiion.

I see suffering all the time on tv in the papers and magazines hear it on the radio whether it be darfur africa homeless iraq racism on and on and on. Some cases where God appears to be absent or on vacation and then so much of people places totally oblivious to God and if there is a hell and thats where they end up so what it will be one nonstop party dude and many who think they can live good righteous llives without God at all. They have no concerns about sin about disobeying God and failing Jesus. My fears i fight against do involve disappointing and failing God and Jesus scared over choosing pleasure wants or safe things protecting self as opposed to unselfishly surrendering myself and being a living sacrifice. Though i long to be that and to overcome the barriers and blocks to being and doing that. Yet i still make choices which war against His will. I saw a few movies today very good. Michael Clayton and The Gameplan entirely different but both very good and moving. Gods reality kept hitting me throughout both movies. His ability to help me overcome fear and to realize He is always there He never leaves i just seem to lose that understanding somehow. Maybe just maybe He is helping me to turn a huge corner and go into a place where He just has available all the time resting in His care. No matter what could possibly happen God is there and wont leave me or anyone by themselves abandoned. Despite feelings to the contrary, This is the ISSUE. I need a post about my father. Just saying that right now is making my eyes start to well up. I have seldom talked about him. I truly belioeve so much of my fear stuff and feelings of distance from God are related to him and losing him. i think a post will be a catharsis for me. We will see. Blessings grace and peace all.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Realized Eschatology

I wanted to touch on something different here for a sec. I have written on this subject awhile back,when my blog was fairly new so hopefully now I will get more who read it lol. Preterism is another title that applies bacically meaning *past fulfillment* This is a particular way to look at and interpret the Bible hopefully one that leads to a fresher understanding and provides new awareness that may have been clouded previously.

The Bible was not written to us. Nope it wasn't. I don't see paul saying *greetings to you Robert barbara gary becky dana shaz karen laura and all the rest of the saints in usa lol (had to throw a few friends in there to illustrate the point) He wrote to specific churches. Now the Bible was written FOR us. O yes as Gods Word it was written FOR all!!!! Important truth to note is that while it IS Gods Word He had it written in specific literary genres ones that we humans use all the time. God limited Himself by placing His Word in print in language in style. The whole debate about literal vs symbolic hinges upon particular literary genre when is a biblical author writing poetically,when historicallly and when prophetically???? Well we KNOW when talking about the role of women in the church and as wives its ALL literal!!!!!! LOL Dont shoot me ladies jezz a leetle joke hehe hoho moving right along phew :D

Covenant Theology has a lot to with past fulfillment as well. The Bible contains 2 covenants old and new. The prevailing theological system in the west which has been so since tne 19th century is Premillennial Dispensationalism. This theology actually came from a man JN Darby not sure the exact year. It has been popularized by Hal Lindsey and his books most notably *Late Great Planet Earth* as well as the *Left Behind* series. A high view of the OTand reinstituting the Temple is held by this view. The Rapture is a huge theme and is seen as a cataclysmic event coinciding with armageddon and the unveling of the Antichrist as God removes His people from the earth for Jesus to return Antichrist and satan to be overcome and the new heaven and new earth to be created everything is wrapped up Paradise Restored That is a very picturesque ending to time as we know it sums everything up very nicely. I think things actually take place a lil differently though and from the Bible!!!

Jesus spoke to His disciples and all the people He addressed publicly about calamities occurring tumultuous events signaling the end times and antichrists coming. It is a very common practice to interpret Jesus Words as prophecy concerning the *end times* and the future. I think there is a major problem with this though. He was speaking to the people of that time and telling them of happenings in their timeframe. The Olivet discourse which is Jesus sermon on the Mt of olives is a good demonstration of this. He says that one of the people present will not see death till the events He speaks of come to pass. So logically speaking they cannot be prophecy about the distant future but the near future to make sense.

A key to past fulfillment is the date the book of Revelation was written. In AD70 roman army laid seige on jerusalem and pillaged the entire landscape destroying the Temple. The actions John talks about happening in Revelation very easily describe the destruction of the Temple in 70 AD. It makes sense as to the symbolic language as well being used by John. Jewish apocalypticsm was common and the people would understand it and its meaning. Whereas the romans would be lost and not know what was actually being said and alluded to. The main point is that Jesus ALREADY came back and fulfilled all the prophecies in the New Testament. The destruction of the Temple ended completely the entire OT system and brought in the New Covenant that Jesus created by His death burial and resurrection. Jesus doesnt need to come back HE ALREADY DID!!! The New Covenant IS the *new heaven and new earth* Jesus restores us to God as we were prior to the fall.

Well thats a very quick snapshot of the view. I will go into more detail if its wanted on another post. I am not a heretic lol from studying over last few years i really have come to see how Scripture pulls together in solid ways that are hazy when looked at as future. Google preterisn if you want to investigate more for yourselves. I hope brian and tony will weigh in as they are preachers and just would enjoy their take. I hope to hear what many of you think. Email is always welcomed too!!!!! This has been a subject of deep interest and fun for me. Hope it serves as a thought-stirrer. Peace and grace all!!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Be Still and Know

Just what is the ending of that statement there????/ Ah yes it is a Scripture passage i think its *that I AM GOD* Very cool verse especially so consdiering that God declares His name to be I AM No wonder the pharisees sadducees and scribes all erupted in a fury at Jesus when He said *truly i say unto you before Abraham was born I AM* WOW!!!! Jesus declared He was God!!! I can hear paris hilton reading this when she was in jail and saying *thats hot!!* ummmmmmmmmm ok maybe not it was a fun lil snicker though :)

God has done good things over the last few years I mean He is always doing good things sometimes its hard to see it especially when focus is on non-eternal things. I have a kindling of desire to really seek to let Him move in me in a way i have feared or hid frfom for whatever reason and still i find myself getting caught up in same habits patterns and sabotages on myself so much of the time. I find ways in which He gives me ideas and thoughts that are so positive to do and be active for Him and then i let an old pattern of thought or feeling block it out. i dont want to lig around the *fear* anymore and however i labeled it and yet i seem to keep it likes its something i just cant part with. I want to let go of obstacles to growing i have from past hurts and wounds and thought my mind clearly grasps the realization of how i can change and move on my emotions and will seem immune to that whole process.

I guess i am haunted inside by makingso many wrong choices for so long due to immaturity and recklessness. i have spoken of my emotional pain i experienced in jr high and high school and especially in relating to girls, i always found fantasy an outlet. Even as a younger kid fantasy and the release that comes with it was a tension and stress reliever as i know it is for many.. My problem has been I turned to it way beyond age appropriateness and it became an addictive thing that impacted my life in serious ways that influenced why im in the job i am now . i had hoped to be a associate minister or christian counselor either/or. I was very highly commended on a skilled abiltiy by psychologists i had in jr college. I was on my way to pursuing my dream and yet I turned to my addiction when i felt under stress. i was actively involvrd in church in ministry in seeking God being in a leadership group in a small group seeking spiritual growth. I still chose to give in to the addiction and as one of my senior professors told me sex problems are death to a career in ministry. Just to be clear my action was making calls to a phone sex line while serving as a youth minister. I say this openly because I want anyone who may be in a similar situation to be encouraged God can still bring you through. i say it because I want to show I am one who does actively want to seek God and follow jesus yet has issues that mess me up. I have made allusions to this before i have been impacted by some others who have openly shared very personal battles with true courage and grace. part of me shares this because it just pains me that I let this be such a failing and one that hurt me in so may ways.

I would love to be involved in something else jobwise. I have been told alot i have a great voice for radio My mom and niece have a running joke with me about my *sexy voice* i have on my voicenail lol grrrrrrrrrrr crazy thing is a lady from church called me once and as she left a message she said * ooooo what a sexy voice* blush lol just more fodder for mom and niece lol Anyway radio would be wonderful some kind of counseling would be great even possibly going and dong something in an iron curtain country as some form of ministry. I work as a mail clerk its ok but it requires no skill i have been there now 15 years. i have had many make comments about being a *lifer* and how come i am 46 and still in a mailroom??? I really didnt want to say the true reasons why and havent except to a chosen few. Im not seeking to have a pity party here i am just laying real live struggles and real live issues i have had and still have in the midst of wanting to follow jesus and be still and know He is God. I pray He uses anything i share to be of some use to others. I praise Him for how encouraging challenging and moving so many others are and wil continue to be to me. Help me to have Your direction in what i share God and to grow closer and stronger in relationship with You everyday!!!

Saturday, October 06, 2007


I love reading peoples blogs. So cool to peek in and get a glimpse of their life whatever it may be like. I think that no snowflake is ever duplicated???? All of them are entirely unique??? Well no 2 lives are the same ever either. Incredulous how alike spme people can be and yet alrogether different as well. Even isentical twins have the exactly alike/complete opposite dynamic in many ways. What a piece of work is man.

God calls us to trust Him and to love Him. it is taught by some, not sure if its kohlberg,piaget or another developmental psych type that we are like a *tabula rasa* when we are born a *blank slate* I dont think so. I think God places something within us even as we are fresh from our mothers womb and it just gets nurtured as we develop. Atheists may claim God doesnt exist but there very ability to formulate the belief begs the question of Gods presence. I have known a few atheists,one was even a roommate in Bible college, he went to a secular university lol. usually got along fine with them. Emotional struggles seemed to loom largest as far as their problem with God far beyond intellectual ones.

I find it hard to deal with how when I look up books or articles and research journals or other helps of this nature, emotions seem to be discarded as though they were pieces of garbage to be thrown out. Questions and probing the vastness of the problem of pain and suffering or evil or determinism vs freewill are so often treated as though ONLY rational and intellectual reasoning should be deemed fitting for reflection. Any attempt to inclide emotion is passed on and relegated as immature. I cant say this happens all the time as an absolute blanket statement but i have come across it often enough for it to trouble me. Are we not our feelings??? Are we not our feelings??? I mean yes we need to balance them and not let them run eoughshod over us but all too often they do indeed get away with just that. Our emotiions and our feelings are the sparkplug inside the engine of ourselves with the motor of the mind. balance is tough to accomplish. I find that it happens easier in community alot but can also be more difficult in community as well.

I am not sure just exactly what im wanting to say here. I know my emotions dont act the way i want them to so often. My thoughts dont either. i want to think strong bold active courageous thoughts and my feelings keep me bound up fearful worried anxious and selfabsorbed to the point of paralysis. I have taken IQ tests and the result calls me a *word warrior* saying Im very adept with words. One of the reasons i love blogging so much. Funny how I find it so hard to say those words and act on them in so many situatioins where i find myself challenged. Tony Myles over at Dont Call Me Veronica made a post that inspired this one. Self needs to be transformed, wants to be , yet so resists it at the sametime. I deeply want to follow Gods lead and let Him use me as He sees fit yet i also find ways to avoid Him doing that or just freeze and dont know how to just follow His call His lead. I dont even know how to qualify my fear so often it seems to be just a condition i have allowed myself to be in like a bad habit you just cant shake. I see Gods hand as i read so many blogs and yes thats a personal observance but we all make them. Who is anyone to have the brashness to say they see God at work??? Yet how dare we not if we are seekers of Him??? Tension not contradiction but tension(thanks tony)

I have tension in wanting to give it all to God because He IS GOD and He IS able to handle everything although i may find His way of handing things not to my preference and lking. Pain and struggle and tough going dont seem to faze Him much wish i could say the same o boy do i!!!!! I also want certain things my own way i want to have a certain control or my lil illusion at least and have the comfotableness of knowing how certain things will go and feel. Gods way can bring upheaval and unrest. can be uncomfortable and diturbing. Buts its GOD!!!!!!!!!! How can I NOT want to go along with GOD??? Hmmmmmm i wonder how many of us how many of those in the Bible asked that of themselves???/ In writing this post i see chinks snippets chseling done by He who is theMaster Sculptor. I see His work in others i see patterns i see uniqueness so hard to see it in myself so used to laying the smackdown on myself yet somehow in some small ways i see it . I see Him!!!!!!!! I pray transformation of myself will keep going and going lil by lil and he will help me to accept and be ok with that. Lil by lil!!!!!

Friday, October 05, 2007

Maslow and Jesus

I have an AA in psych from a jr college. Only time I ever got a 4.0 gpa whoohoo lol Psych is a very interesting field I inherited my interest as my mom has been a psych nurse for the majority of her professional life. One of the concepts covered in psych 100 is Maslows *hierarchy of needs* It consists of a pyramid with most basic needs at bottom level and highest level at top. The goal is to become *self-actualized* The base of the pyramid is physiological food water sustaining life. Next level is safety and security and all that provides for them. Next is acceptance and belongingness and fianlly self-actualization. Hope I didnt leave a level out. Being self-actualized is to be free of baggage psychologically relationally and emotionally that cripples your ability to function at the rate you desire to and which you were meant for. Finding ways to have all the needs levles met gives us the best way to acomplish our goals.

Maslow had a solid theory humanistically speaking but where is God in this?? What about our fallen condition which has us messed up at the core level??? I thought of this because i have been perusing various blogs and saw some very intriguing discussion about the failure of evangelicals to communicate their faith and relate in a basic normal human fashion to atheists,pagans and others who are not within the *christian subculture* i think Jesus taught the most basic of all psychology. He taught that God meets all of our needs. God takes care of nature and His creation and He takes care of His most inventive creation humans. What are the 2 greatest commands according to Jesus???? Love God with all we've got and love everyone else as we love ourselves. Hmmmmm no need for a special understanding to get that. It seems we have become so adept at labeling people we just forget Jesus simple yet most profound commands LOVE GOD LOVE PEOPLE!!!! So many verses get twisted in their meaning about how once we are *christians* we are to act towards the *world*

When i first became a christian i began to go to Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa california its a pretty famous church actually. I used to go to the concerts on saturday nights where they had christian bands play and a sermon as well. The whole focus was always *Jesus is coming back ANYDAY so you better turn or burn and get all your family and friends saved!!!* My mom and sister can attest to the effect hearing those messages had. i mean i was a brand new christian late great planet earth was the craze it was a trendy thing then to believe the Rapture could happen any moment and I wanted to make sure my mom and sister were not missing out!!! So of course i used all kinds of stuff to reach them and save them including i believe telling them to turn to Jesus or they would go to hell.. You have to understand i was seriously wanting to use ANYTHING that would influnce them and lead to their salvation. Well i make a terrible Holy Spirit and lo and behold they both came to their own unique relationship with God Jesus and the Holy Spirit despite my frenzied efforts. The thing about Calvary Chapel also they had sooooooooooooo many people come forwars to accept Christ yet they had little to no discipleship program as do so many churches. So clear where our focus is all too often in the church get em *saved* then go on to the next one. I think Jesus wanted to be concerned with the *whole person* not just their soul. But well that takes time a LOT of time hard work often challenging scary out of the comfort zone and we do live in a *fast foodnation* Im preaching to the choir all so dont get combative lol i just am really having my eeys opened to deeper realities of how Jesus REALLY wants us to go about being His servants so much to say i will be having plenty of posts to come. happy weekend all!!!!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Leit It Be

One of the classic Beatles songs and yes layla Im a paul guy lol this post is not about the fab 4 however. The meaning behind the message is what im after. Blogosphere is alot like life it has twists and turns ups and downs thrills chills and spills. Sometimes it seems all is on a positive upswing then swoon dowwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn we goooooooooooooo oh watch out hairpin turn whiteknuckler hold onnnnnnnnnnn tightttttttttttttt ah easy relaxing so good oh no here we go again ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Hope that felt a lil like the round room at Disneyland when they show the rollercoaster in 3D motion!!!! Just dont get cybersickness on me k???? lol

I so wish i could just *let it be* Casually let life go on by not get caught up in so many various things that swirl inside my mind and heart. But is that really what i want???? Honestly no Emphatically no!!! Much as I feel like telling the world to stop i want to get off I cant imagine carrying on if it did!!! I asked God to wrestle with me a few years ago. I made that a truly specific prayer. Hmmmmmmm lets see since making that praer i have had a stent put in a clogged artery,gotten diabetes,experienced serious financial problems and had congestive heart failure. Just a walk in the park riiigghttttttttttttttttttttt as bill cosby likes to say. Of course i also have become more involved in my church,gotten closer to some friends,experienced wonderful encouragement and challenge from so many people thru blogging,had a deeper realization of God always being there regardless of the circumstances or if i FEEL Him or not. I wonder how the scales are tipping??? I definitely am dissatisfied with alot i have tolerated in myself and want to be broken so that i can move beyond what I think/feel/know has been limiting me from growing closer to Him and what He wants as far as active following.

I had a moment here, while writing this post. My body felt weird. MY head got a lil fuzzy and I felt a lil shaky a thought went thru my mind... stroke this could be it time to go cant be helped its just going to happen. And I just stood up and prayed for resting. If it happened what could i do??? I know i want to be able to have an attitude and thought of joy to be going and being with Jesus. I want to let go of the junk that clogs my thinking and expression of my faith as i want it to be. i am just very glad God is full of grace and mercy and love and accepts me with all the flaws and failures and will keep helping and prodding me bit by bit everyday to move closer and closer to taking on the full characteristics of His Son. Jesus in me Jesus in we. Hope of glory!!!!!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Poetic attempts

Light peeks in from slumber slow awake lasted one more night my soul He didnt take

Train whistle birds chirping kids on way to school laying contemplating on the bed

hoping on my pillow there be no drool slowly arise get clothes to wear and to the shower

go what happenings await ahead truly this one not know water rinses shampoo off my

head and on to work i go in the truck on down the road cool breeze blows agaisnt my face

looking around a smile breaks out how amazing is His grace!!!!

A dimlit room the candles glow dark crimson all around siiting still taking in the sights

and romantic musical sounds glowing green eyes long red nails sweet scent that

intoxicates knowing glances sparkling smiles and a longing for close embrace o the

giddiness of sweaty palms parched lips and pounding heart so eager so vibrant

excitedly anticipate this amorous dance to start

entirely different themes to be sure!!!!! In looking at a few blogs i noticed poems being shared and discussed so figured when in Rome well you know the adage :) Will be fun to see the responses Just wanted to also show I can display more than my serious side all the time!!!! Carpe Diem!!!!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Back to Basics

Life comes at you fast so says the pitch line of a certain commercial. How true it is. Have you ever played that game *If i were God*??? You know where you just try to come up with your own inimitable fashion for just how you would pull it off??? I cannot even remotely fathom it!!!! The enormity of it beyond boggles the mind!!! The intricacy of life and all its v ariables yikes no wonder i hate and fear math and logorithms and that ilk Minds are a funny thing. They can take so many twists and turns even in the course of a few seconds!!!! I wish i could more understand my own mind . I seem to go off on so many different directions. The only constant is change hows that for a lil irony eh???

I wanted to make a post titled ambiguity yes because i sense that a way which God operates in this Creation He has formed. The Bible is His Word and as Gods Word it has Authority but how clearcut black/white is that Word??? How simple does God make it for us human types to come to a unilateral agreement on what His Word means and how vits to be applied??? Wait whats that funny look on your faces??? Why the cocked eyebrow semigrin tilted head??? Isnt it a slamdunk that it is an easy thing to do that with His Word??? Well surprise surprise surprise and shazam gomer!!!! I wonder what would have happened had God allowed the tower of babel to be erected. Hmmmmm.....

Trust and obey for theres no other way to be happy in Jesusssssssssssssssssssssss (held out that note) than to trust and obey!!!!! I love that hymn!!! I have made that my underlying prayer so often. Why then does it not just automatically happen??? I trust and obey Him to an extent I have manmy ways in which i dont and i see almost everyone i know Im talking Jesus followers here folks so dont get it twisted dont completely do that either. Whats the deal??? I do a circle in my mind often starting with God searching out the doubts questions wonders problems disputes and such till i come back to God again. His Word satisfies me. The Bible proves itself to me. I dont get why i cant just live like how Jesus asks us all to within His Book. Im like the guy picking the daisy she loves me she loves me not ..... I obey and trust You I dont obey and trust You not and lots of times i have no clear reason why this is!!!!!!!!!! My feelings seem to take over and what the heck causes them to feel the way they feel???/ John 3:16 is the Gospel in a nutshe;ll. Why does my mind and heart fail to just live by that so oftem even as i scream out inside I WANT TO LOVE AND OBEY YOU AND BE YOURS GOD!!!!!!! I WANT TO BE WHO YOU WANT BUT I FAIL AND I FALL HELP ME TO GET PAST IT!!! That is my innermost cry. A few friends inspired this post Im so thankful once again for my blog friends they serve as Gods comfort and presence so often and funny thing is I think that is how God maintains His ambiguity. He wants us all to BE His presence His hands His feet His mind His heart as we relate to one another. What a concept!!! And we hear the stinging words of Gandhi in our ears * I like your Jesus i can accept Him its christians i cant deal with* or words to that effect!!!!

Make me like You Lord You are a servant make me one to Lord i am willing do what You must do to make me like You Lord please make me like You!!! AMEN!!!